Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Point 1 - To clarify my last post, it was my 100h post, but a few were lost in the shuffle, so it looks like I am only on ninety-something if you look at my archives. Which you all should because there is some early blogging gold in there.

Do you all LOVE Christmas?????????


The whole time I was growing up I loathed Christmas. For several reasons. First off, growing up with and living with the "Incubator" until I left home at seventeen was not the best of times. There was constant fighting and bickering at Christmastime. My sister Tree and I quite often felt left out because it seemed that the half-siblings got better, more, yadda, yadda, presents than we did. Those memories are so far past that I can't really remember if that was the case or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was. I ALWAYS ended up getting into trouble over the holidays and was grounded (that was getting off lucky) for some made up infraction of THE RULES.

I always envisioned this lovely dinner with the family, singing carols and opening up presents. The reality of the affair was that we opened up our gifts on Christmas Eve, not because we had anywhere else to go, but most likely so we wouldn't wake Cruella and her minion up at the ass crack of dawn. We were also not allowed to believe in Santa Claus. What, you say? That is correct. As I child, I missed out on the pleasures of the story of Saint Nick and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and leprechauns and unicorns and all of that other awesome kid shit. I was also not allowed to play with barbie doll and it wasn't because the witch was a feminazi or anything. Come to think of it, I am really not sure why I wasn't allowed to play with them, but one Christmas, my stepfather's sister gave us barbie dolls and La Bruja threw them away as soon as we left the step-aunt's house. What a cunt.

I am rambling, which is normal, so I no longer worry whether my readers will stick it out.

Christmasses were never filled with the happy family times that I kept praying for, but sometimes, I think that prayers go unanswered for good reason. Now, I am making memories and traditions with my family that I hope are passed down to their children and so on. And these memories are even more special because they help to erase the trying times of my childhood. Don't get me wrong, there were good times, but they were always (in my memories) due to my grandmother or my siblings. I don't have many fond memories of the hyena who gave birth to me and four other children. To be honest, she must have struggled against her natural instinct to eat us at birth, so I am glad to be here.

To address the Santa Claus issue, I think that we weren't allowed to believe in him due to some kind of religious beliefs, but I don't get that. How can the belief in a man who does nothing but good for small children be a bad thing? I constantly struggle with my religious views and I almost never discuss them with others, because.... well it's religion and never a good topic. Plus I do not push my faith on others or judge them for believing in different things from me, or not believing in anything if that is their wish. Most people are quite surprised to find out that I have a religious faith and even that I attend church services, on occassion. I don't know why that is, other than the feeling that many people tend to judge you on their interpretation of what they think a representative of a specific faith should be instead of realizing that we are all who we are regardless of what we believe.

Going back to other unpleasant thigs, the other reason that I disliked the holidays as a kid was my birthday. Birthday!!!!! Yeah. On freaking Christmas freaking day. Oh sure, the whole world celebrates on that day. I get to share it with a really important person. But guess what? I got the shit gipped out of me.

I started writing this post the other day and decided halfway through "fuck it".

My fucking birthday is on Christmas day = SUCKS Hemorrhoids

My FUCKING 30th Birthday is THIS CHRISTMAS DAY = Kill me now


I have learned to love Christmas. Not so much the birthday.


For those of you who are younger than I am - KISS MY FLABBY ASS!!

For those of you who are older than I am and are THINKING about leaving a condescending comment on how not bad turning 30 is and it will just get worse, et cetera - GO FUCK A RHINO


I hate my birthday.

I don't wanna turn 30. Waaaaaaaaaaaa.......

21 more days. I see the lines. I see the sag. I see the cellulite. I see the crow's feet. The end is near.

Just shut up and let me pout before I take out my virtual Uzi and spray your asses with it.

You better all - EVERY Single one of you, including the lurkers - BETTER leave me a comment. Tell me I am pretty and I look like I am 22. Tell me that I have skin like the lovelist golden pearls. Tell me that I am so NOT getting chubby.



*****PS****** I want a love link from all youse bitches. Ya hear me.********


RWA said...

My goodness. I am older than you, and I was going to leave a comment saying 30 isn't bad - and neither is getting older.

But then you started talking about fucking rhinos in the ass - and I changed my mind.


Dude, there's no way you're 30! You're lying. I would never have pegged you a day over 24, what with your beautiful clear skin, luxurious hair, svelte figure and those boobs! Oy, you hide it well!

Like that?

ADW said...

RWA - Good idea

Marfsbaby - Your may have the perfect comment

Tug said...

So I'm supposed to anally fuck a rhino, AND you're going to spray my ass with an uzi? FUN TIMES, GET THE PARTY STARTED!

If I were lesbian & you were into grandmas, I'd totally do you, you hot young thang!

Samantha_K said...

You're pretty much the hottest chick I've ever seen.

Actually, I am blinded by your glorious and angelic beauty.

I always felt really sad for people who had birthdays close to or around Christmas. What a gyp.

marky said...

Sad stories. Put up some nice photos of yourself showing off all your assets and I will give you an honest assessment. (heh heh he said assessment)

Miss Britt said...

Sweetness, you are gorgeous. Inside and out.

fatwonkkid said...

i don't see any of the lines, sag, or wrinkles. if they are there, you should post full body nekked pics so i can verify :)

turning 30 ain't so bad, especially if you forget when your birthday is. I normally forget when my birthday is, but my stupid family and wife always keep reminding me, calling me, and sending me stupid cards.

Not a Granny said...

You are the most awesome thing in the blogosphere! In the whole internet!

Besides, you are really hot! If I was into younger women I would dump Not A Grampy!

Kitty said...

Turning 30 fucking SUCKED. it sucked a rhino's arsehole.

i cried for days and even though my handsome and debonaire husband bought me a massive multi-thousand pound diamond knuckle duster i threw it at him and told him to go fuck himself.

i'm 34 next year, what a cunt.

Miriam said...

For reals, I gave you 27 max and that was being mean. I <3 you and think you're beautiful.


Memphis Steve said...

Actually, I was going to leave you comments about how hot you are even before you threatened me. If you are what 30 looks like, then 30is hot. You get comments every time you put your photo up here about how gorgeous you are. That's not just random people trying to get you to give them your account number so they can transfer $10 million into as they flee Africa, all the while actually robbing you blind. No ma'am, that is genuine love and affect. That is true lust. That is a lot of jealousy because you are a righteous hottie and all the men and most of the women want to do you.

You know it's true.

Memphis Steve said...

For whatever it's worth, I actually thought you were in your mid-20s. You fooled me.

Effortlessly Average said...

Wow, you're pretty hot for an old broad.

Effortlessly Average said...

Ok, ok, now that you're fuming at me, I'll tell you the truth:

I think you're beautiful. I'm sure angles sing when you walk into a room. heh. Honestly, though, I don't think you have anything to worry about; you look nowhere near your age and I have no doubt you turn heads every where you go. I'd suspect you're what most people would consider way out of my league. heh.

Happy birthday anyway. If I knew how to find you I'd send you something special, but no, it wouldn't be Depends or a coupon for the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

VE said...

Well I thought you were pretty in 1922...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I feel for you. When I turned 30, I lapsed into a debilitating depression that lasted over 4 years. If I were you, I'd get yourself a bottle of sleeping pills and take the easier way out.

George said...

Reading strikethrough is fucking difficult so don't do it again. If you weren't so beautiful and with a body designed in Playboy ... I would smack that gorgeous ass ... but I wouldn't want to mar that sexy skin

DangerDoll said...

Holy shit, girl, you're fucking beautiful. If someone who looks like you is worried, then I may as well open a vein. I've said it before and it's still true: I'd do you.

Can't do link love 'cause I dropped a bomb on my blog and blew it to smithereens. Heh.

My grandma's birthday is Christmas Day, my granddad's birthday is New Year's Day, and my mom's is New Year's Eve. Yeah, they all get fucked. I make sure to get them all TWO presents each.

And: WTF on Santa??? I fucking LOVE Santa. Dude showing up once a year just to give me presents, and I don't even have to give him a blow job? Bring that shit ON.

abstractjenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
abstractjenn said...

I get screwed and my birthday is in November so I can imagine your birthday sucks moosecock. I'm going to avoid the anal rhino raping by telling you I can't believe you are over 21. I figured you were using a fake ID and your boobs to get into all the bars with your friend BSH (brick shit house right?)

Your gorgeous, funny and don't take any shit from anyone - if I likes girls I'd fly to Ohio and take you out and well you know do lesbian things to ya.


Marianne said...

I am older than you by 5 years and two months. If you think 30 is bad, 31 is worse. It was for me anyway. I said if I was not re-married by 31, then I would not be having a second baby. I refuse to be an old and tired mom. So when 31 came, I cried for three months and then made the appointment to have my tubes tied.

But here's the icing on the proverbial birthday cake. The sex is kick ass. I mean KICK MOTHER FUCKIN ASS. Enjoy. Seriously.

BBS said...

OK. For starters you are one of the most beautiful women I know. I can say that with total conviction because I hang out with you in "REAL LIFE."
Secondly, I am so happy that you are starting new traditions and memories with Peanut Butter and Miss Diva because Christmas is the best time of year for everyone!
Thirdly, turning 30 is hardly such a thing. I am sure we will go out, I will treat you to a lavish dinner and we will dance our little aging hearts out. You don't look a day over 24 and that is the real truth ma nigga.
Miss you.
love you.
Happy Early Birthday.
Looking forward to seeing you ASAP.
Yours truly,

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Relax. You have several years left before men regard you as over-the-hill, unsexy, barren and old. Imagine yourself as a sportscar with 50,000 miles on it. You still look and run great, but in the next 10k or so, it'll be time to trade you in before the expensive problems present themselves.

But as of this moment, you're still pulling it off. Vroom, Vroom!

Now, how's THAT for a compliment?

Amanda said...

Man you're pretty. I wish I were half as beautiful as you are. If only you didn't have such flawless skin and such a stunning physique

Moi said...

You are 30? Darl, I hope to christ I am half as hot as you when I reach that age...

golfwidow said...

You're freakin' hawt.

Jeannie said...

Turning 30 can be traumatic.

Hint: dab vitamin E on crow's feet (forget the capsules - get the little bottle of the oil). Dab it on before your moisturizer- it's like sticking honey on your face - use the moisturizer to spread it around. Works wonders.

I noticed the tiniest of crow's feet at about 29. 50 is bearing down on me, I tan for a living, and the crow's feet are still not readily noticeable to the casual observer thanks to the E

Kim Ayres said...

Would you want to be pre-pubescent again? Of course not - once those hormones hit, you wanted to grow up even faster. Could you have told your 7 year old self that boys could be fun? would she have believed you?

Would you want to be a teenager again? Of course not - swamped with acne and insecurities.

Would you want not to be a mother? Of course not - your life changed in a way you could never descibe to your pre-maternal self.

Your 30s are so much more fun than your 20s.

Stop your whinging and grab your 30s by the balls.

You have your stunning looks and body, and a mature enough mind to enjoy it.

Embrace your MILFhood.

metalmom said...

You fart butterflies.Your shit smells like flowers. Your skin is flawless as fresh snow.

(Butterflies come from catterpillars and I don't want to know why caterpillars are up your ass. Your shit may smell like flowers but I never said whether they were fresh cut or rotted. And sometimes fresh snow gets peedd on.)

YOU'RE 30??? Holy shit girl- You look gooood!!

Avitable said...

Your birthday is on Christmas?

Are you Jesus?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Jesus was born on XMas, and I think he died when he was 30 (didn'the?). Not that that will happen to you, or anything.

Ah nevermind. You look beautiful. There's no way you are about to turn 30.

Dan O. said...

From where I sit, you look wonderful. Not a day older than (was that 22?, yea) 22. Skin as smooth and soft as a freshly wiped and powdered baby's ass. And speaking of ass, well all that kickboxing has certainly been paying off.

So quit yer whimperin', suck it up and DEMAND double the presents on DEC. 25th or you're gonna kick all their asses.

As for linking, you've been on my blogroll (and rss feed) since the first time I visited your blog.

Happy Birthday, early!

Open Grove Claudia said...

I've said this before, but everything good that happened to me, happened in my 30s. Being 30 is awesome - there's so much opportunity to grow and become. Relax - you'll have a great time!

Bonnie said...

Apparently the threat of anal rhino sex worked with all of us bloggers, right? We're telling you how freakin' hawt you are (which you really are, by the way) so see if it works with presents - threaten your family and friends with the rhino thing if you don't get AT LEAST two presents on the 25th. And then, be sure to follow through with the threat (I'm sure you can find a willing rhino on e-Bay or something)

RWA said...

I will say this, and I learned this a long time ago.

Age is what you make it. You are as old as you want to be.

That being said, you can tell me to go screw a rhino or whatever now.

Betty said...

That's the thing about time. It waits for no one.

You'll be fine.

ADW said...

Tug - who said I wasn't into grandmas?

Samantha - That is right, but do you feel sad enough to send me a present?

Marky - How do you post pictures of sarcasm and rapier wit?

Britt - speak it sistah!

Fatty - How do you propose I "forget" a Christmas birthday?

Granny - it's not that hard to get into younger women. You just need to turn into a rich old man.

Kitty - Cunt is a great description for turning thirty.

Mim - I will settle for 27, thanks.

Steve - I KNOW it, I just need it reiterated by my minions on a daily basis.

EA - I'll take the depends for the hubby (=

VE - that's it smartass, you are off the Christmas/Birthday BJ list. SO there.

Dyck - I feel better knowing that you are older than me. For some reason, it makes me feel more intelligent.

George - you didn't have to read the strikethrough, I was going to erase it and post it later, but I was just being lazy. Smack away.


Jenn - I think you should send me some of your art for my birthday. (=

Marianne - Sex? What?

BBS - I love you. Call me.

Bug - I am just going to have to drive real slow over the next 50 years. Or get plastic surgery.

Amanda - You get a gold star.

Moi - WHAT???? No young 'uns allowed. Just kidding.

GolfWidow - Succinct. I like.

Jeannie - Great advice. I will start using it ASAP.

Kim - What a set to. I needed it. Now if I could just figure out where 30's balls are, I'd be set.

MetalMom - That's the spirit.

Avi - What are you new? No, I am no he and please stop praying to me, it is interfering with my sleep.

Cherry - Jesus died at 33.

Dan O. - I want blog post links to me.

Claudia Clause - I will try. We'll see what happens.

Bonnie - Nice to see you out of the closet. Do you have a blog?

RWA - Go sit on a Rhino Tusk. No lube.

ADW said...

Betty - Time can go suck a goat teat.

fatwonkkid said...

concentrate on christmas...duh.

i would think with a christmas b-day, there would be many people that would forget. so all you need to do is not remember and you are home free.

Moi said...

I will not give you any shit about 30, because your birthday is on Christmas and that sucks big fat donkey dicks.

I am older than 30. Meh.

You could not be more beautiful or funny or thin. Honest.

Angela said...

You are lovely and talented...how did I do?

Janis said...

You are popular!

Steve said...

Not only are you younger than me, but you are also smarter than me. Allow me to prove it. I turned 30 two months ago. Therefore I am older than you. However, you graduated from high school a full YEAR earlier than I did. I did not get held back, and I did not start late. Thus, you are wicked smart. You're also very cute. I've always thought so.

( . )( . ) said...

You look totally hot and awesome. And get to pash hot girls. Did you know that for every girl you pash, it takes 5 days off your age. So, just pash a load more girls and you'll be sweet!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Suppose I should go fuck a rhino now......

Dan said...

You young whippersnappers never cease to amaze me! 30! Oh to be young again.

You and Jesus share a birthday. Not bad!

Glamourpuss said...

I once fell in love with a man who said women didn't get interesting until their thirties. At the time, I thought he was an asshole. Now, I see he has a point.

What better way to take the focus off the whole brithday thing than to have Christmas on the same day - way to go ADW!

Oh, and being thirty and looking thirty are two very different things

BottleBlonde said...

ADW, you're so young looking, your husband runs the risk of being charged with pedophilia every time he slips his boa (a hot pink boa with lots of feathers) in your snuffleupagus.

But really, you are a fucking GODDESS with boobs so perky they make me wanna grope you inappropriately. (is groping ever appropriate?)

*boobie squeeze*

Divalicious said...

You are a sexy bitch! I love your sarcasm and general disdain with life. You look smashing in your photo, a helluva lot better than I did in my wedding gown...
I resembled the staypuff marshmallow guy.

xoxox and cheers to you and your birthday!! I would be a considerate friend and get you two presents... fuck-a-bunch of two in one gifts.

Franki said...

I'll go fuck a rhino anally in a moment, but lemme just say, I'm almost 40 and I like myself more now than I ever did at 30. My body is holding up fairly well, but my mind is much, much improved!

Frankily Yours

Franki said...

Lord that made me sound like an ol' toothless gramma didn't it? Pass me my walker bitch!


Frankily Yours

Slick said...

Awwww, Christmas Day you're 30?? If it's any consolation, mine is the 30th and people would hand me presents on Christmas Day and say "it's for your birthday too"


30? You're just now getting in your prime!

Tony said...

When I turned 40 I told myself it was the new 30 (see my blog for an example of how to wallow in self pity), hence, you are barely 20.

Besides, time has no effect on beauty such as yours. (i.e., you're a stone cold hotty)

Angela said...

Thanks for your comment! You are a sweetie!

Bo Bo said...

I found you through Kitty’s page and laughed my fucking ass off.

I can’t tell you what 30 will be like cause I’m 28 but I can tell you I don’t wanna fucking turn 30. But you wont have to worry about it for at least another 6 years and with a body like yours you wont have to worry at all….. Hope that was an ok comment…didn’t wanna push the envelop too far on my first correspondence…

Crankster said...

29 sucked, but 30 felt anticlimactic.

Then again, I turned 30 three days after September 11, 2001. Everything seemed anticlimactic, and nobody wanted to listen to me bitch about getting older.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You'd probably still be the hottest girl working at Hooters, but not like in Miami or something like that. Seriously though, like in Davenport or another Midwestern town, you'd be the hottest piece of ass in the joint.

In all seriousness, you're still looking fine as hell.

Memphis Steve said...

Telling hot women how hot they are on a daily basis is a service I offer to subscribers. All you have to do is sign up. I'll need your full name, address and home phone number, along with email and blog or MySpace URL where you'd like my fawning lustful comments to be. After that, I may or may not show up at your front door to hit on you in person.

Slinger said...

YOu have the hottest ass I have never seen! And I mean it.

I am lurker, from time to time, but deiced to comment to give you some love.

Cherylann said...

Happy Birthday Honey!

Janis said...

You have see all the new stuff I bought. Come look.

Mustafa Şenalp said...

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Palm Springs Savant said...

well for starters I am MUCH older, practically ancient, and you are young, great looking, and charming. (amd I doing Ok so far?)

well the 30 thing is sort of a state of mind...you'll be in your sexual prime anyway.

Angela said...

Oh new post darling...we miss you

Janis said...

OMG post already! I love your style.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Yes, 30 is rough, and unfun.

But 40 is so freakin' awesome, you won't believe it. It will be the polar opposite of what you're feeling right now.

Hang in there and live well.

Happy Birthday!

(I don't even remember how I found this blog...)

Kelly said...

hahahaha I am sorry I have been too busy to compliment you... I mean visit you...

You are beautiful. Like a super celebrity with great beauty... without the botox.

Lovely. Really.

:-) I expect the same in a couple months... do ya hear me?

Chuck said...

I said it before, I'll say it again. You are a sexy biach.

I would love to eat my way to your heart. : )