Monday, December 17, 2007

Lady of the Manor

Well Lah-di-fucking-dah!! I have gone and done it now. Yes folks, I have taken your advice. *GASP* You read me correctly. I have hired someone to come and muck out the stall that is my house. We have a kick-ass new cleaner at our office and I will be the fourth person to have her come clean my residence. After the last few weeks, I have had more than a few people tell me that I am a dumb ass jizz stain if I don't get someone to come help me out. So there you are. Happy now?

But what, oh what, will you bitch about now ADW, you ask? Well, these are the following things left to bitch about:

- Inlaws
- My vagina
- Waxing
- Idiots
- Dickweed drivers
- Snow
- Ohio sports teams guaranteed to choke even if they make the playoffs
- My husband
- My kids
- My pets
- My neighbors
- People who should be there when you need them, but aren't
- Small Penises
- Speaking of the above: SPAMMERS
- Russians and why they never visit me
- Tom Cruise
- Dildos
- Cooking
- Anal Bleaching
- Hooters
- Mastubation
- Camel Toes

Need I go on?

The list is endless. And it's not me, it's them.

Oh and over the course of 36 hours I baked 35 dozen cookies. And I am not done. Here is my cookie list:

1. Chocolate Chip
2. Double Mint Chocolate
3. Pecan Tassies
4. Kolaczkis
5. Cinnamon Chip Cookies
6. Sugar Cookies
7. Gingerbread Men
8. Peanut Butter Cookies
9. Peanut Butter Blossoms

What I have left to make:

1. Buckeyes
2. Russian Tea Cakes
3. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
4. Andes Mint Cookies
5. More of the ones I already made.

See!!! I cook. Suck on that one.


lspoon said...

Ooh, buckeyes. I have had a buckeye in years. Christmas care package?

I <3 you and I'm glad you got some help!

Avitable said...

Oh my God, Bitchcakes, you'd better fucking send me some of those cookies.

George said...

Queen of the cookie dough

abstractjenn said...

HA! You took my advice. SUCK ON THAT.

Let me know when the package arrives - like a shithead I didn't insure it and you know it's worth a freakin million dollars.

Miss Britt said...

You know, I was going to send you this heartfelt "I've been thinking about you - let me know if you want to talk" blah blah blah email.

But you're making fucking cookies. 35 dozen cookies!!


ADW said...

Mim - mmmm.... Buckeyes. If you promise to root for us in the National Championship.... -mail me your address.

Avi - I'm a workin' on it. Asschubbo the Clown.

George - Do not mock the power of the cookie. Especially my cookie.

Jen - Didn't get it yet. I'll let you know. I still can't believe you sent me something.

Britt - Ah, I love whn you lend a sympathetic ear. Bitch.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

What, no jizz stain cookies?

Tug said...

WTF are you doing with all those cookies? DAMN girl.

I don't think I've ever had a Russian visit either...things that make you go 'hmmm'.

fatwonkkid said...

so why are you always bitching about your vagina? you should treat your vagine well and it will treat you will.

VE said...

The best part were all of the "before" shots your cleaner took and then posted on the office web site. Hillariously embarassing!

metalmom said...


Yoda said...

Of the things you want to bitch about, I'm all ears for masturbation


ADW said...

Dyck - You have the recipe... send it to me.

Tug - I give the cookies away (=

Fat - If I treated it well, it wouldn't have any fun.

VE - Yes... All of my before shots are embarassing

Metalmom - COOKIES!!

Yoda - You shall see...

marky said...

May I have some cookies please? Since I entitled your picture on my blog "Empress of the Universe"

Chuck said...

Anal Bleaching? WTF is that?

Edit: I just looked it up. Do people actually do that? Who the fuck came up with that?

[I]"The treatment is said to sting quite a bit."[/I}

No fucking kidding? Who'da thunk that putting a chemical coctail up your jaxie would sting? Stupid cunting motherfuckers!!


themuttprincess said...

Good for you getting someone to help clean!!!

Is it 2008 yet????

Kim Ayres said...

Tom Cruise, the dickweed driver, with the small penis, spams your husband and kids when Ohio play in the snow after bleaching their assholes with specialised dildos. Meanwhile your Russian neighbour cooks the toes of camels belonging to his idiot inlaws instead of visiting Hooters. This only leaves you unable to find anybody to help wax your vagina after you masturbated and the entire bitching list is complete in one paragraph...

Anonymous said...

Your neighbors? I resemble that.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Maybe the woman can clean your vagina as well while she is there.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Can you take pictures of the cookies you bake and post them here?

Memphis Steve said...

I don't so much want to suck on your cooking, but let's get back to that first list, where you mentioned bitching about your vagina. Can we get on that for a minute? Oh, speaking of vaginas, you've been tagged. Come over to my blog, 'cause I'm too fucking lazy to write the whole thing in your comments, and see what I'm trying to guilt you into doing, like a Jewish mother without the sagging tits and mustache.

By the way, in case I haven't said it lately, in addition to you being really hot, you're also funnier than Rodney Dangerfield on crack. Yeah, I mean that. I'm not just kissing your ass, although I will if you stick it in my face and shake it a bit. A little more. Bit more. There you go.

Memphis Steve said...

Hey, people are sending you shit? How come you didn't tell me? I'm sending out Christmas cards to freaking England here. I think I can squeeze in Florida or wherever you are if you just freakin' tell me.

Memphis Steve said...

Sorry, Ohio. Sheesh, you can't get much more anti-Florida than Ohio.

abstractjenn said...

I can't believe anal bleaching and camel toes are so far down on your list.

marky said...

Have I told you lately how lovely you are?

Amy said...

Wow, we have eerily similar bitch lists!

George said...

Didn't you mean the power of nookie ... do not mock the power of nookie, especially your nookie.

ADW said...

Marky - I saw that...

Chuck- How come you aren't blogging?

Mutt - I wish it was.

Kim - You crack me up and you are still my favorite pirate.

Anon - Well of course you do, but I wasn't talking about you

Fab - I think the vag cleaning is extra.

Bug - Maybe

Steve - I don't know which comment to address, but Ohio is definitely not Florida.

Jen - I should have put "In no particular order..."

Marky - There is not a day that goes by that I don't love hearing that.

Amy - I can definitely believe it.

George - The nookie is in my cookie.

Glamourpuss said...

That is a lot of cookies - are you a feeder?


Miss Kitty said...

Damn, I love those buckeye cookies. Now, you're talking about the rolled-up peanut-butter thingies dipped in chocolate, right? Mmmmm.