Sunday, December 30, 2007

From Fabulous to Fucked Up in Two Days

My parents left on Friday morning. By noon on Sunday, my life has been spun around. It's nothing serious, but it IS irritating that you can write someone out of your life completely and then turn around and have them pop up, out of the blue, and throw a bagful of wrenches at you.

My Incubator (AKA the hyena who gave birth to me) sent a message to me through one of my sisters. God this is such a convoluted mess, but please bear with me.

1. Incubator and my dad marry and have two children: ADW and Tree
2. Incubator pulls a preying mantis and they split up.
3. Incubator gets custody (AKA child support) of ADW and Tree.
4. Incubator remarries
5. Incubator and StepTard have three children: Jay, L and III

I also have two sisters from my dad and mom, but that is another story.

The only sibling that I speak with from step 5 is my sister L. We are fairly close and I usually see her 3 or 4 times a year.

L called me up today with a fantastic tale, but to understand the new saga, you have to get a little backstory. About 6 months ago, Tree and I went to visit L. Apparently the incubator had approached L with some paperwork that she wanted us all to sign off on. This paperwork was for a deed to some property that was placed in our names.... sort of a place where you have memberships and the elected of the owners govern the rest of the owners kind of thing. How my name, as a minor, ever got placed on that piece of paper is beyond me. I suspect that there was some kind of tax break or clause (Incubator is crazy, but wicked smart and a huge schemer) and that is why all five of us were placed on the paper as property owners. Anyway, The Bator asked L to please have Tree and I sign off on the deed so that she could then sign it over to Jay and her new husband.

Answer? Anybody? Bueller?

Yeah. Fuck off cuntface. Tree and I both laughed. Poor L was stuck in the middle, since these are the only parents that she has and she still tries to maintain a relationship with them even though they are complete cockwads to her.

So the signing off on the deed was a no go.

Fast forward to today.

L calls me with yet another request for Tree and I to sign off on the deed. Of course the Bator couldn't call us herself. I have not uttered one word to her since my grandmother's funeral and I do not have anymore words for her that aren't of the curse variety. She knows this. In fact, if I could have, I would have had her sent to prison on manslaughter charges of neglect. I even contacted the local Sheriff's department and State Police to see if there was anything that I could do. To even have moved forward on the issues would have been next to impossible, so I just focused on grieving and my family. I should have made the bitch rot in prison.

Anyway, this time the story is that she wants my brother III off of the deed and in order to do that, Tree and I have to sign some paperwork in the next six days and have it notarized. M'kay, follow along:

1. I do not sign random paperwork..
2. Especially not from crooked asshatchets like the bitch that birthed me.
3. The previous paperwork was, I GUARANTEE, written by her in some gobbledygook legalese that she probably made up. I laughed when I read it sitting in L's kitchen the first time.
4. No way in hell is that cracked out Ogre getting access to my signature. Ever.
5. How come this time the deed needs to be signed off on for a different reason? In another 6 months, what's the reasoning going to be? Someone is dying of typhoid fever and they need our signatures to save them?
6. 487 other reasons not to trust this person

L told them all of this. My brother called her up and told her she was a "stupid bitch." Yeah, abusing the ONLY member of your family that Tree and I have anything to do with in order to get us to do what you want is not really the greatest idea you moron.

Anyway, I told L my answer. Period. No go.

An hour later my phone rings. Guess who? That's right ladies and gentlemen..... dummmmmm, dum, dummmmmm....... The Incubator.

My husband answered the phone and brought it upstairs all excited by the drama. He proceeded to tell me that "Now you can tell her what you think of her." I responded by saying, with the mouthpiece and receiver wide open, that I had already said everything that I needed to say and had nothing further to discuss. Then I pressed the end button on my cordless phone.

Fifteen minutes later, my phone rings again. I let it ring. I checked the message about an hour later and the gist was that if we didn't want to sign off on the deed that we could start paying the dues and she would assume that we would want to start taking responsibility, etc, etc, etc.

Can anyone say bluff? I NEVER signed a document as an adult giving anyone permission to place my name on anything but my mortgage. If she wants to have a pissing contest, we can go right ahead because I drink Captain and Diet and I can outpiss a fucking camel.

In fact, I NEVER signed any documents for this deed now that I think about it. Interesting.

I will keep you appraised of the drama, but I have one thing to say:

Bring it on Bitch!!!


abstractjenn said...

Holy holy shit...christ what a mess. Don't give in to asshatchet (I know you won't). What a crazy bitch. You a right in 6 month what will be the reason...

I have an uncle who is married to a stuipid stuipid woman (I don't use that word lightly) she has a slutbag pychotic disgusting sister who had twins at one point. My uncle is a good guy and they used to take one of the twins a lot. At one point they offered to adopt her. The sister can't keep a job, is on public assistance and is that typical leach on the system.

She said no...but she would sell the daughter to them. Nice huh? The only reason they didn't is because they knew in 6 months there would be a demand for money. Sick fucking bastards.

Keep us updated...this is far from over. I can tell.

And HEY Cleveland WON that's great!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You're sexy when you're angry. I am truly aroused.

Avitable said...

I'm a Bator, too, but more of a Master.

ADW said...

Jenn - but is looks like Tennessee is about to win too. Crap.

Dyck - You get hard when Oprah sneezes

Avi - Really. Get to it. Just remember that blow up doll day is coming up soon.

Kitty said...

I hung off every word of that post by my fingernails. Fabby.

Desperate for the next installment.

marky said...

Dayum! you're my fuckin Empress. I would love to be in your opera baby but I must admit I probably couldn't handle the real life drama of it all. I'm just too mellow and laid back. On the other hand a good fight can really get my adrenalin pumping and make me feel like an ADW STUD. I would have LOVED having you at the Warriors/Nuggets game with me at the Oracle. Sheeeit! Adrenalin, fast paced for 60 minutes, screaming, yes, EXCITING BABY!!!!Anyway, YOU RULE. I love a fiesty little babe.

Chuck said...

And in this episode of "As ADW's World Turns"....

Seriously, who has this shit happen in their life except you?

I am loving your creative use of swearing in this blog. You should have been in the military....

We are all behind you, so keep up the fight!!


Anonymous said...

The incubator is crazy.

You are wonderful :)

RWA said...

"If she wants to have a pissing contest, we can go right ahead because I drink Captain and Diet and I can outpiss a fucking camel."


She really has no idea who she's messing with, does she?

Happy New Year.

Franki said...

Wow, that is some shit. But your creative cursing is hot, hot, hot. You seem to have your wits and sense of humor about you, so go get her!

fatwonkkid said...

So your name is on the deed, but whose name is on the mortgage? I would think that is the only way to get you to bear any financial responsibility on the house. Then again I am a code monkey, not a real estate lawyer.

George said...

I have always thought highly of people who live in fairly close proximity (ie the same state)to the city where the river caught fire. With today's story and fiesty challenge to the oven ... I have even more respect.

LOL ... have a pleasant New Year ... does ADW ever have anything as boring as "pleasant"?

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm sorry that people can reach up from hell and disrupt your life. She's so insignificant now. I'm sure she just wants a piece of your life.

My "birth" mother had surgery this year to remove a (and this is a direct quote) "cyst from her womb". (She had a total hysterectomy in 1966.) She came out with a face lift. Wha la. No one can mention the facelift, just the life threatening cyst on the non-existant womb. Crazy.

I'm glad you didn't sign the papers. You were absolutely right.

Anonymous said...

Hello I just entered before I have to leave to the airport, it's been very nice to meet you, if you want here is the site I told you about where I type some stuff and make good money (I work from home): here it is

Kim Ayres said...

Er... Happy New Year?

Hope 2008 is better to you than 2007 :)

Tug said...

Your last post cracked me up, but I'm only commenting on this one 'cause I'm catching up & LAZY. Can't wait to hear the rest of the story Paul Harvey - hang tough!

HAPPY HAPPY 2008 - Let's kick it in the ASS!

The Charming Hedonist said...

two words.

Law. Yer.

Good luck.

I guess that was four words.

The Charming Hedonist said...

oh, and btw, I'll be rooting for your team come Monday.


PrincessPolly said...

what a fanny! good for you for sticking to your guns though. any developments on this yet???

Miss Kitty said...

My sister and I went through all kinds of shit like this with our dad's family after he was killed. Stick to your guns, ADW, and keep kicking ass. I just wish I'd had your ability to curse waaay back then--would've saved me a lot of time and stress. :-P

metalmom said...

Isn't it true that anyone under the age of eighteen cannot enter into any type of contract? Maybe not, but that's what I remember hearing. Good luck with that cunt.

VE said...'s like a mini-series without the commercials. Will ADW and the incubator reunite? Will ADW shove incubator off a cliff? Tune in next post... I wish I had caniving backstabbing relatives too; I'm so jealous.

Effortlessly Average said...

Wow, ain't family grand? heh. And here I was all peeved that my nephew broke into my garage last week rather than calling me to unlock the door. You win.

And I'll bet right now would be the perfect time to knock it out with you; you'd probably kill the guy. heh.

Miss Britt said...

Fucking A. I'm glad you had quality time at least with the family you DO like!

marky said...

A Document Wasted?

Anonymous said...

hey girl, I am sorry you are going through this. you got the short end of the straw in terms of a Mum, that is really sad.

Stick to your guns, the good guys always win out in the end.

You rock chickie!

Dan O. said...

I'm a week behind reading blogs, but just wanted to say this is way better than anything on TV right now!

El Guapo in DC said...

Send me an e-mail.