Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Where to Begin?

I really don't know where to start in describing the wonderful Christmas/birthday that I had this year. Abstract Jenn sent me some wonderful artwork (Thank you so much I love it and have to find THE MOST PERFECTEST SPOT for it) and even thought I didn't know gorillas had access to the Internet, one sent me a box of my favorite chocolates along with the following message:

"Happy birthday bitchcakes. You're old now. Time to let yourself go!"

One more truffle, and my ass is going to burst the seam in my stretchy pants.

Here are some bullet points from the past few days:

  • My brother-in-law told us all about how he shit his pants on the way home from a Japanese steakhouse. The smell of crap made my sister, who was driving and is pregnant, puke her guts up all over the dash of the car. Afterwards, he figured since he already crapped himself that "fuck it" he was gonna piss too. When they got home, they stripped down in their back yard and hosed themselves off. My husband laughed so hard he started crying.
  • Someone accused my mom of being a little "tipsy" last night. She said the we would know when she was drunk because her clothes would start coming off. I didn't have the heart to point out that she took her shirt off in exchange for one of my tank tops because she got a little warm...
  • We played Apples to Apples on Christmas Eve. If you have never played the game, it is a cockful of fun. We came to the conclusion that Schindler's List trumps any other card played.
  • Somehow, this morphed into our naming of the Turkey ceremony where my dad and I decided to name the Turkey Oscar Schindler. My mom and sister were horrified. I pointed out that we were just honoring a man that saved thousands of Jews during the Holocaust..... Then my mom pointed out that we were ROASTING the turkey in an oven. OK. Not my greatest moment of triumph, but the name stuck.
  • We then decided to name the Ham. Actually I decided that. I named him Saffron Longshanks.
  • In two days, I made the following items: 20 lb turkey, 10 lb ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, asparagus, butternut squash casserole, green bean casserole, more fucking cookies, salad, rolls, blah, blah, blah.
  • I received a knife set from my husband for Christmas. I have wanted a really good set of knives for a long time. I sliced a finger open before they were completely out of the packaging. Dumbass me.
  • My short attention span contributed to my picking up the turkey lid that I sat on top of the stove while checking the turkey, with my bare fingers, burning my thumb and three of my fingers.
  • My mom and I snuck out into our garage about an hour before dinner prep and polished off two bottles of champagne.
  • I got a sot's pint of Captain Morgans in my stocking. My husband is such a funny man.
  • It was a wonderful Christmas and even the in-laws coming over later that evening did not ruin it. Our friends, who live next door, came over with their daughter and ate dinner with us. It was fun and peaceful at the same time.
  • I won $2 on a scratch off ticket.
  • My mom and I spent all day today shopping out little hearts out.

I have been offline for most of this week and probably won't have much time to spend online until next week.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and that you have an even better New Years. Stay safe and enjoy the people you love.



Poppy Cede said...

Happy birthday, ADW. Glad your wounds were just of the flesh variety if you had to have wounds at all. I love the name of your ham. And better you shopping than me. I went downtown for lunch with The Cousins and almost anxiety attacked all over all the people walking around with shopping bags. Eeek.

George said...

Happy belated Birthday, Happy belated Christmas and Happy New Year.

Your description of the last couple of days sounds so inviting ... I won't say to whom.

be good and have fun.

Avitable said...

Sounds like a great Christmas. Don't try to masturbate until your fingers heal, k?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Well...did you get the Chia Poon I sent you???

Mr. Fabulous said...

Sounds like an interesting couple of days. Glad it went well!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! that first one is unreal! LMAO

Also... sounds like your family are all just like you. A family party to be at I'm sure.

PrincessPolly said...

To be true to one of the themes of this blog, I nearly pissed myself laughing! Sounds like you've been having an eventful festive season anyway!

Glamourpuss said...

So you're thirty now? Bwahhahahaha. Join the club.

And glad things turned out well.


Anonymous said...

I got a knife set too! No sliced fingers yet, I think that might have been the alcohol :)

Happy Birthday...a little late. I <3 you :)

Chuck said...

I'm glad you had a good Christmas and birthday.

Have a better New Years and stay safe...


wafelenbak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wafelenbak said...

Yeah, what Chuck said!

I love Apples to Apples. My group of friends actually succeeded at playing it so much we grew tired of it.
Our trump card is "Helen Keller."

Effortlessly Average said...

"...enjoy the people you love."

I'd like to, but the restraining order says I can't! Fucking courts always ruin the best parts of the holidays.

Dan O. said...

All that pre-holiday/birthday worrying for nothing. Glad to hear it!

Sounds like you really had a blast.

RWA said...

That story about your brother is HILARIOUS. I can't imagine having the nerve to ever tell anyone about that if something like that ever happened to me.

You won $2 on a scratch-off ticket, huh? That makes the holiday perfect!

Jenny! said...

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas! Two bottles of bubbly in the garage sounds like a good ole time! I bet that made for an interesting meal!

marky said...

A grown man shit his pants in traffic? I like the word 'cockful'. I want to see a pic of your ass busting out of your pants. Happy Birthday and Happy New Year. Hope 08 is great.

VE said...

Look out folks, she has knives...

metalmom said...

I can't believe your brother actually admitted to doing that!!

This year my sis didn't get trashed.....I DID!!! YAY for me! then Mom called her 13 year old granddaughter "a royal bitch" and I almost punched her for it and I went home!

Glad your Birthday was better

Franki said...

See? Thirty ain't that bad...Happy New Year!

Yoda said...

Wow that's some Christmas :-)

Glad to know that you had so much fun. I have to check out this apples to apples game. This is the second blog in a day I saw endorsements for it!

The Charming Hedonist said...

Did you tell the Turkey he was just going to "get a shower"?

I'm sorry, I had to. It was a given.