Sunday, February 10, 2008

Hanky Panky

When?

When is the hanky panky?

Before or after the cleaning of the house, the homework, the pet care, the sports practices and games, breakfast, lunch, dinner, grocery shopping, bathing....

Maybe the video game playing. Maybe if we cut out the video game playing, the hanky panky would return.

Oohh, oohhhhh. I know. Pick me! Pick me!!!

How about not tiling your parents' bathroom floor all weekend? Maybe if you instead, hmmmmm, I don't know, did some shit at our house, the hanky panky would return. But no, mommy and daddy call and we spend all fucking weekend at their house tiling their floor so that they can sell their house at a better price. (And by we, I mean you, since I no longer grace them with my evil presence.)

Yes, we can do all sorts of manual labor for them, but when I need to be taken to the emergency tomb on my doctor's orders and you call your mother to drive all of 20 minutes to watch our son and she asks you if you "tried the neighbors," well that is a load of horseshit.

Ugh!

Honestly. It is a huge joke with men that once you marry, you might as well put your pecker away since there is no longer a need for it, but the joke's on you. Women get just as frustrated with the lack of copulation. Sure we need the correct humidity, timing, words and so forth, but we needed them before. You didn't notice at the time because you were too busy trying to get us to drop our panties as often as possible.

What is it about the increase in expenditures that go along with cohabitating that are directly proportional to the decrease in bumping uglies? Someone needs to do an economic study on that one. I swear to you that it would grant that person an immediate doctorate. Really.

This is such a common occurence with women that it has now reached epidemic proportions. We need some kind of ribbon to bring awareness to the cause. Like a big fat penis ribbon.

Holy shit! I just realized that my mom now reads my blog. Oh well. She knows me.

Anyway, back to me. I find it constantly amusing that men seem to think that they are the only ones who are presented with married sex issues. In truth, it is way worse for women. We are not only expected to continue sleeping with you, but we are expected to do so under less than desirable circumstances. We no longer look/act/feel the same as when you married us? Uh, look in the mirror brother. That boat travels both ways on the river of love. We get to hold down careers and have children (which hurts you non-sympathetic assholes) and make you dinner and juggle 72 other balls in the air all while you expect us to lick the two that are attached to your body.

Sick.
Of.
It.

MAYBE if you actually took us out to dinner or a movie or even pretended some interest in our lives, we would be more inclined to let you back into the crevice of pleasure.

I am sure that I will get a shitload of grief from all you guys out there, but I could give a fuck. Sometimes, when life gets mighty frustrating, the free-association vent is what a girl really needs. As I was thinking and writing, this subject was the first one that really caught my attention. I am sure that I haven't explained this nearly as eloquently as I thought it in my head, but that's how it works with me. I write and I don't really think of the words as I do. They just flow out of me like venom.

So, the next time you are trying to get some ass, ask yourself if you couldn't have done something to entice your woman. Try telling her that she is beautiful at random moments in the day. Kiss her hand. Open a car door. Ask her what is going on in her life and actually LISTEN to what she says. Turn the TV off and play a game of backgammon. Make dinner for fuck's sake. Do something. But please, please, do not expect to cuddle up to us after an eighteen hour day spent dealing with everything thing that life throws at us and poke us in the back with your man tool and then wiggle it around. Unless we are extremely hard up, we would rather floss our teeth with barbed wire than bounce on your penis.

The End

ADW

32 comments:

lspoon said...

Man, you speak the turth. Amazing. I know it will get worse for me once we have kids but even now I'm amazed...and we're still newlyweds!

And the dropping everything and running to mommy when they need help! Bah! So frustrating!

I <3 you :)

Glamourpuss said...

Sounds like you need a pair of rusty scissors and a wank.

Puss

George said...

My, my ... feeling a bit bitter are we? Seriously, what you say is correct from your perspective just as what we say about having sex with you is also correct. Why do we fuck up such an extreme pleasure with little mental games ... mental games such as forgetting to love the person you're with.

Chuck said...

"poke us in the back with your man tool and then wiggle it around."

That doesn't work for you women? Seriously? Naw, you're just yanking my chain, right? It says in the "How To Please A Woman Handbook" written by M. Y. Penis clearly says that method should work. He even quoted Ron Jeremy as a reference...

Seriously, though. I hope things start looking up for you. (no pun intended)

Take care.

Chuck

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wow. Funny that you posted this, when I posted the male perspective of the same issue in my current post.

However, I'm in agreement that it's a two-way street and that both partners need to do their part to keep these lively and exciting.

josh williams said...

Came here from the good Doctors post, both pretty much hit the nail on the head. Kind Regards JW

themuttprincess said...

Love it! I think men fail to realize that women need it too, but we need some love BEFORE we give it up.....

Thank god for batteries.....

Avitable said...

Why would we give you shit? Sounds reasonable to me.

Not a Granny said...

High 5's to you!

I love the "wiggle it around". To be honest, hubster did that once and I burst out laughing. I think I hurt his male pride.

Effortlessly Average said...

You know, I sat here a while trying to figure out what to say, then thought "why would she give a shit what you think anyway EA" so I'll just write that I'm sorry that anyone feels underappreciated and "under"-loved in their marriage. Sometimes, though, a husband CAN do those things and still be cast aside, ya know? I hope he realizes it and you come together again.

fatwonkkid said...

heheh...crevice of pleasure...makes me want to go spelunking!

Poppy Cede said...

Please tell me there is hope for sex after marriage. Please?

Mr. Fabulous said...

I don't have a penis. It got shot off in the war. So this never comes up.

Open Grove Claudia said...

My underwear is made by Hanky Panky. Does that count?

Miss Britt said...

The problem with men is they think of "how can I get laid" about 2 seconds before they want to get laid.

If they started wayyyy earlier in the day, they'd have much better results.

I feel ya sistah!

ADW said...

Mim - I heart you too.

Puss - Send the scissors, I have just the wank to use them on.

George - I am back to my snarky form.

Chuck - M.Y. Penis - ha ha

Dr. K - perverted minds think alike.

Josh - I am trying to hit the head with a hammer, not the nail. Thanks for the visit!!

Mutt - batteries are great!!

Avi - I hate to do it, but I will once again point out the fact that you are a girl in a gorilla's body. But in a good way.

Not a Granny - there is too much make pride. They should only be allowed to use an ounce a day instead of the kilo they normally process.

EA - I know that. But I was talking about the way things go 85% + of the time.

Fatwonkkid - Just as long as you're not looking for cheese puffs while you're in there...

Poppy - stay engaged. And preferably in separate residences.

Fabby - which war? I am thinking that it was that hinky War of Northern Agression that did your member in.

Claudia - Ha ha. I forgot about that. But no, it does not count as true hanky panky.

Britt - ding, ding, ding. you wind a year's supply of blow up dolls.

Effortlessly Average said...

heh. Perhaps for you, but it's been my experience that I'm on that losing side 85% of the time. I suppose each side would claim to be the jilted party.

I really do hope you work it out and that this is only temporary!

ReckenRoll said...

Wow. Love this post. I sum this up with a thought that has been running through my mind a lot lately:

I AM NOT A ROBOT!

I need a little romance please.

Kelly said...

HELLLOOO! You read my freaking dirty ass mind sometimes!

Just got make out with your friend until he dies of sexual frustration.

Buy another vibrator and deny him next time. Then go use it instead. spitespitespitespite. It drives me!

abstractjenn said...

Good Lord I've missed you!

nudeman40 said...

Ya know we can't win. I act the way you want a man to and I still get nothing?? I get home from work first and cook supper many nights. I send flowers to her work for no apparent reason. She loves dark chocolate and I like milk. I allways bring home dark. I pick up after her as she can't leave a flat surface empty. I take the dog out at night because she likes to shower and get in her jammies and it is to clold out for her. I tell her I love her and rub her feet at night while watching TV. Still very little sex. This is why I wind up on Yahoo messenger... So it ain't allways like you women say..... Sometimes we get the shit end of the stick.

ADW said...

EA - I understand and respect your sentiment. Me too.

Reckenroll - I love that. "I am not a ROBOT" I will have to use it sometime.

Kelly - It's a shame that spite wasn't added to the deadly sin list after the Conference of Deadly Sins by Pope Leo the X. It really should be considered the next time.

Jenn - <3

Nudeman40 - You lost me at Dark Chocolate. I love dark chocolate. You sound like you are working hard at it. I really think that one party gives more and cares more in every relationship.

Good luck.

zen wizard said...

It sounds like a little "choreplay" would liven things up a bit--like him on his knees in a French maid's uniform, scrubbing the toilet with a toilet brush and Clorox....

That, plus maybe he should get a Back, Crack, & Sack Wax Job...

And lose twenty pounds with the Abdominizer....

(Wait, tiling the Mom & Dad's bathroom is suddenly starting to SOUND GOOD...)

Tug said...

OMG my daughter could have written this...I just hope SIL wakes the hell up before it's too late. I hope your hubby does, too. You're too awesome for this.

And nudeman40? Got a brother/uncle/twin-ish type person just like you? ;-)

RWA said...

Wow. You're going to find this hard to believe - but I think you're exactly right.

Married or not, there's nothing wrong with a little EFFORT and INTEREST on the guy's part.

Flossing with barbed wire, huh? Ouch.

drowninginlaundry said...

All hail the queen!

My partner wonders why I don't want to do "it" after working a 12 hour shift and chasing a child around all day (an not sleep for over 24 hours) when he can't even rinse out a glass and put itin the mo-fo dishwasher!

fatwonkkid said...

Man you really want a cheese poof review....i'll try to get one out this week. I decided to take pictures of the bags, so that is why it is taking so much longer!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

My wife couldn't agree less.

Memphis Steve said...

I read this and never commented. This is the danger of Googles Reader. I love when you just vent without editing your thoughts first.

Miss Kitty said...

Amen, ADW!

Maven said...

"poke us in the back with your man tool and then wiggle it around." See, my man does that AND does the "shlong windmill," where he starts swinging his dong like a propellor.

Woman, you pretty much summed it up for me and my own situation (mins the rug rats).

CatScratch Diva said...

Ain't it the truth.