Thursday, February 28, 2008

Help, Can't Breath

I hate kickboxing. I was going to post about the awesomeness that is "Wicked", but I can't. Why? Because I have a kickboxing instructor who is an undeniable sadist. I feel like my whole body is made out of jelly. He kicked my ass tonight and singled me out for it. He made me a team leader, so he watched me like a hawk to make sure that I didn't slack off.

We did running drills, kicking drills, punching drills and I am pretty sure I got drilled at one point. Right in the pooper. AND THEN!!! After class was over, I was standing by the open door with steam LITERALLY rolling off of my body and he took one look at me, laughed and then told me I would thank him for it later. I responded by telling him that I hate him.

Note to kickboxing instructors - Do not look at a woman that you have abused for an hour and laugh at her while her soggy hair is plastered to her head, her legs are bowed from 192 fucking lunges and her arms are laying limply at her sides because she can't lift them higher than her kneecaps. If you work someone out until they look like a wounded, oozing Ebola Monster and then laugh at them, it won't matter how many degrees you have on your black belt. There will be one bitch out there with just enough adrenaline left in her to kick your ass from here to next week. Please read one bitch as this bitch and know that I tend to get a little emotional when my heart rate goes over 300 beats per minute. There should never be that much adrenaline in a woman unless she has to lift a car off of one of her kids.

One woman told me that I shouldn't stand out in the cold air because I could get pneumonia. After growling and doing my own version of an exhaustoglare at her, I told her that at least it would put me out of my misery. Then I left the dojang wearing nothing but my dance pants and a tank top. In below zero weather. And I drove home like that.

I really had steam coming off of my body. How does that shit happen?

As I lay my head down to sleep tonight, I will say the following prayer and I would appreciate the rest of you saying it with me:

"Heavenly father, please forgive me for all of my sins; many though they are. Please watch over our men and women who are in service to our country both here and abroad. And pretty please, give Master S...... a bad case of the shits. Pretty, pretty please with cherries on top. I know you have way more important things to do, like laugh at a Congress that places more importance on whether baseball players are taking steroids than oh... say everything else in the world. But I would really like one week of working out where I can still walk the following day. Thank you. Amen."

OK, maybe I won't have the energy for the first part, but I am definitely slipping the last little bit in there.

Maybe I will stop shaking by tomorrow morning.

My kneecaps hurt.

So do the tips of my ears.

At one point, my toes went completely numb, but the feeling is back. Also, I can finally hear in my right ear again. I went deaf for a while.

Maybe I shouldn't drink a large coffee right before working out. That can't be good.

I hate working out. It's the worst part of aging.

Good night now.

P.S. Blogger is being an asshole and I can't spellcheck and I am not proofing this. You get it as is and if you don't like it, tough cockhairs.


wafelenbak said...

But if you keep going to class, just think how hard you could kick your instructor in the nuts!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Why don't you just buy an Ab Lounger like a normal middle aged woman going through menopause?

Tug said...

I hate exercise.

Ohio must still be snowed in, because our payroll overnight that goes from Idaho to Colorado is snowed in somewhere in Ohio. Thank God I have direct deposit. ;-)

George said...

This reads like it should contain one of your motherfuckingsnatchlickingcumgobbling aavant garde curse words.

Have a great weekend.

fatwonkkid said...

how you supposed to kick your instructors ass if you are a pile of jello?

metalmom said...

I felt like this two weeks ago when I got the have my sympathy.Drink some wine, take an Advil and then, if you're up to it,go kick Dyckerson's for that comment!

Chuck said...

Hint: Kick your instructor in the jimmy at the start of class...

1. You'll be able to move, so the kick will actually hurt.

2. You'll get a lighter workout 'cause it's difficult to teach kickboxing with your balls in your throat.

3. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be a hero to the rest of the class. HOORAY ADW!!

4. There is no 4, I just felt like I needed to have 4 bullet points.


Avitable said...

I always think it's cute when little petite girls take kickboxing.

ADW said...

Wafelenbak - Hard

Dyck - Who are you calling middle aged you poo-eating hobbit? I still love you though.

Tug - Yes, we are snowed in and right now, we are getting an Alberta Clipper.

George - in too much pain to be witty and swearworthy.

Fatwonkkid - I will wobble over and ooze him to death.

Metalmom - pay no attention to the clown. He is just mad because I refused to pick his lice off and eat them like his other bitches.

Chuck - "and then a hero comes along... with the strenght to carrrrrryyyy oooo-oooo-ooonnnnn and you'll cast your fears aside...."

Good idea. I love being a hero.

I am the last Girl Scout.

Avi - 1. Compared to Britt, no one qualifies for petite.
2. I am taller than over half of the women in this country.
3. I wear only high heels, which pushes my height to about 5'10".
4. Like Chuck, I feel the need for a number 4.

Avitable said...

Your high heels don't count!

Memphis Steve said...

I was at the gym last night, too, after having been a total slacker for a long time. I guess working out with minimal food and fuel inside you is a bad idea or something because I nearly passed out on the treadmill, which was only supposed to be the cooldown at the end of the workout, and then I went into the locker room and actually had to lay on the nasty cold tile floor with my head on my gym bag and my feet up in a chair to keep from puking and konking out. I was seeing stars and feeling that unmistakable quake in my belly that says "let's see how far we can hurl" and all from a really minor workout of benchpress and some shit.

Loved your prayer. Loved how you mentioned our gay Congress that seems to think baseball players taking steroids (as if we didn't know already) is the biggest crises ever to face the United States in the entire history of our existence. Fuckers. Find something better to do.

I love your blog. I wish I had a kickboxing class near here so I could do that instead of dodging steroid-using teenagers maxing out over in the freeweights all night. One of the drawbacks to moving out into The Boondocks is no classes of any kind, no trainers, no hot chicks with steam coming off their glistening bodies as they hurl threats from the doorway, no nothin'.

I drove home in the freezing cold in my sweaty gym clothes, too, with the vent wide open and the windows down in the hopes that the constant blast of cold air would keep me from passing out.

Memphis Steve said...

I'll count the heels. I love girls who can almost look me eye to eye. I mean, when they're hot and buff with long blonde hair, not big fat monsters who just happen to be really tall and just as wide.

Effortlessly Average said...

"...her soggy hair is plastered to her head, her legs are bowed from 192 fucking lunges and her arms are laying limply at her sides because she can't lift them higher than her kneecaps"

Well I must have been really drunk, cuz I don't even remember nailing you.

NYD said...

Your instructor is right, you will thank him. You will also contemplate his murder many times before that day comes.

Hillarious post.

The Charming Hedonist said...

In sympathy, my hair hurts for you.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm glad you stuck with kickboxing. I bet you can really tell the difference in your body and your attitude. Hurray! :)

I've been doing Jillian Michaels "making the cut" for the last month. no evil teacher only evil workouts.

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