Wednesday, February 13, 2008

V Day

Valentine's Day is a huge load of horseshit.

Oh, elaborate?

OK. Anything for you, my dear reader(s?).

I hate the thought of a single day out of the year (or two if you are from Ohio and celebrate Sweetest Day) where two people who care about each other are pressured by card companies and other retailers to buy crap that they probably can't afford for a grossly overpriced sum of money. Why can't we do that anyway? Of course, if the big box companies and jewelry stores figured that out, they would come up with a "just because" day. Seriously.

When did people stop being spontaneous with the ones they love? How hard is it to buy that special someone a card one day to tell them how much they mean to you? I just don't comprehend a day where you and your significant other feel like you HAVE to buy something, but you're broke from Christmas, so you put a spending limit on the item that it supposed to show the other person how much you love them.

My perfect present:

1. It has to be a Surprise - and by surprise I mean a real one. I am the hardest person in the world to surprise, but when it is done correctly, I love it.

2. A road trip to Pittsburgh, Columbus or Detroit. .............I can hear the gasps from here. Why would I want to go to any of those places?

3. For a hockey game of course. I love watching live hockey. It is probably the most difficult, athletic, fast paced professional sport around. Watching it on TV? Pfft. No go. But haul my lard ass to an arena filled with beer guzzling, foul mouthed assholes and I feel right at home. The speed, the agility, the hot men, the missing teeth, the ten dollar nachos..... I'm getting a little misty. My EYES are getting a little misty.

4. Follow the hockey game with a late dinner, some cocktails and a hotel room that we can destroy by having hot, sweaty monkey sex.

5. Wake up the next morning and eat breakfast at some greasy spoon.

That is my perfect special day.

I just realized that I have started growing testicles.

Oh and someone named my penis Juwan last week. I will have to save that story for another time.

Now I must fill up 67,000 bags of Valentines Day candy so that my little one can take them to school for his friends. Gah. Why me?

Fuckpissshitdamncockvaginalwart!

I need a new vulgar catchphrase. I have used up my other ones and they are starting to get stale.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!

ADW

P.S. If you see any errors, I apologize. It seems that my spell check is not working with my new Vista platform. Crap.

26 comments:

Xtine said...

Leaving Victoria's Secret with my friend today, a local reported snagged us to ask about Vday. She shoved me in front of the camera ("You're the talkative one!")

The reported asked what I was doing, if anything, to spend less on Vday, and the first words out of my mouth were "Well, I broke up with my bf, but before that, we didn't do much for Valentine's Day. Every day was special - no need for a holiday."

(Then he asked how I'm frugal at other times, and I said, among other things "I use coupons. My mom raised me right.")

Mrs RW said...

When you've been married 30 years you've used up all the spontaneous shows of affection, so you really NEED to have a day to remind you to be loving and spontaneous!

I can't tell you the last time I received flowers, a box of candy or a card for no reason. Cards on birthday and anniversary, yes.

I wait for that Valentine. I want the giganto heart-shaped box of candy and I yearn for flowers. I may be shallow, but getting any of those things shows that someone took the time and effort to think about me.

Hockey? Not so much, here. Getting flowers, especially since I'm surrounded by mountains of snow and ice and spring seems like a century away would be heaven.

George said...

It was probably invented for the fucktards who forget things like birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Yes, I am talking about my brothers ... the men. It's much easier to dump her than have to remember do this, buy that, make her coffee this way, not that way ... especially after she stops the blowjobs.

Do I sound a little bitter, disillusioned, tired of all the bullshit in the world?

Yep.

fatwonkkid said...

Happy Venereal (Disease) Day

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My eyes must be playing tricks on me. Did you say you wanted to eat out a greasy poon??!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Come on. Valentine's Day isn't all bad. One could reproach Christmas on the same grounds.

I feel bad. I've pooh-poohed your last two posts.

But I'm SO GLAD to see you're posting again, ADW.

If I could give you one of those Valentine's Day candy hears with the messages on them, it would be the one that reads: "True Friends."

marky said...

Valentines Day is a nice hit for THE ECONOMY. After the Christmas rush retailers NEED SOME MONEY. And here, apparently, is a woman (ADW) who doesn't have to have the shiny expensive stuff (jewelry) but a little alcohol, sports, sex, and Waffle House she's happy. ALL RIGHT!

ADW said...

xtine - I love coupons. Too bad they don't make a "buy one get one free" for diamonds.

Mrs RW - Flowers are nice, but apparently my evil insides shrivel them up before they are put to good use.

George - Marry me and we will be Mr. and Mrs. Disillusioned together.

Fatwonkkid - wa ha ha. VD.

Dyck - it's better than eating IN a greasy poon.

Bug - 4-evah

Marky - funny that. I ate at a Waffle House just last week.

Mr. Fabulous said...

There is a Sweetest Day?

Glamourpuss said...

I find the whole thing about children celebrating VD by giving each other sweets a bit weird. Sounds like a total scam to me.

Puss

badkelly said...

Oh gawd, don't get me started on SWEETEST DAY! Valentine's day is bad enough. And it is so true... I really feel awful not doing anything for Valentine's day. I feel like the jahovah's witness at Christmas, and I hate it so bad!

I'm making him dinner and wearing sexy lingerie, Friday. (which, for the creepy tv station lurking outside of a lingerie store, to save money I bought on sale) Out of protest for Thursday.

rowr. I will go back to hating it on Saturday. ;-)

Paticus said...

You should slap a copyright on "Just Because Day" before someone from Hallmark stumbles uopon your blog.- I can see the commercials for it now."Six months salary...Just Because."

Avitable said...

You switched to Vista? Retard.

Can I see your balls?

Miss Britt said...

Surprise love is always the best.

As for a catch phrase? I don't know - I've been using "clearly, you're retarded" for a long time. And that never gets old.

metalmom said...

Don't get me started on hockey!!

Hubs was given 2 VIP box seat tickets to tonight's Flyers game.(Not that they are doing great, but still...) HE GAVE THEM TO MY SONS!!!! Because why would he want to sit around and get cold while I got hot! ASS.

lspoon said...

I've always told my husband that I don't need anything fancy for V-day. Yay for chocolate ice cream and gummi bears. It never disappoints.

And last night I saw a license plate that simply read ADW and I got so excited. Then I remembered you are in Ohio and I'm NC. And then I got sad.

Chuck said...

I usually just poke her back with my man tool and wiggle it around. Isn't that Valentine's enough?

I'll start putting more thought into Valentines Day when she starts celebrating "Steak & Blow Job Day" on March 14.

Seriously, though. I don't need a reason to buy my sweetie a card. Since she likes to receive cards, I randomly give them to her throughout the year. My motto is "if it makes her happy" then that makes me happy. (As a benefit, when she's happy, she makes my "man tool" happy too!!) so everybody wins.

Take care, ADW. I hope you get your testicles stroked soon. ; )

Chuck

Marianne said...

Ahh, Valentine's Day. I knew it was just around the corner when the folks at Wal-Mart started putting out the Camoflague Nighties.

Tug said...

I'm with you on the hockey - they had an IHL team when I lived in Vegas; we went a LOT. Happy Day ADW!

Memphis Steve said...

You are the perfect wife! Hockey followed by sex? You are my dream woman!!!!

To be fair, the woman I'm currently married to is a huge hockey fan, too. The university where we met was the national champs in hockey, beat Alaska-Fairbanks in the 7th game of 7 games and triple overtime, so we went to a lot of games on our dates.

Happy H-Day, honey! That's H for hockey, of course.

Julie_Gong said...

We do do (do do... ha. Officially 12) hockey pretty well in Pittsburgh.

If you want to venture to West Virginia then you can go to dinner, watch the Wheeling Nailers, and have hot monkey sex for $99. Don't take my word for it tho because I try and stay away from all things in West Virginia.

http://www.wheelingnailers.com/Pages/Tickets/promotions.asp

Crazy Lady said...

I hate to watch Hockey on TV - but take me to the arena - and it a BLAST! I agree that would be a great trip.

RWA said...

Can you really do #4 after drinking all of that beer and eating all of those nachos?

ADW said...

Fab - ONLY in Ohio and I think one other state. RIDICULOUS.

Puss - I think the dentists have a stake in this too.

Badkelly - Sexy Lingerie? You mean a t-shirt and boxer shorts right?

Paticus - I will get right on it.

Avi - I did not switch, my company switched. And but of course.

Britt - my catch phrase is close... it's "clearly you're an asshat."

Metalmom - that is sad and an excuse for a justifiable homicide.

Mim - I should check and see if that license plate is available in Ohio. Well, that or ICEPRNCS

Chuck - that made me laugh out loud and snort a little bit in the middle of a crowded Panera Bread. Like I need to draw anymore attention to myself.

Marianne - Were the pajamas made out of acetone?

Tug - you too!!

Memphis Steve - there should be a national hockey day. There really should.

Julie - Pittsburgh is actually the only place I have ever seen a live NHL game. I used to go a lot when Cleveland had the IHL Lumberjacks and then the Barons.

Crazy Lady - it's mind boggling how much fun it is live.

RWA - yup and when I fall off the chandelier, all of the alcohol keeps it from hurting.

Kim Ayres said...

Valentine's Day is our daughter's birthday, so she gets the attention on Feb 14th. This suits us fine as we despise the commercialism of the idea too and are just romantic for the rest of the year instead.

cassette45 said...

I never really minded valentine's day. I kinda wish we still did cards and candy for everyone in the class (er, office) just for fun. Those candy hearts are yummy!