Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I don't think it's the wine

Fuuuuuuuck - totally one of my favorite words.

OK, so I thought that when I got "sick" after dinner a few weeks ago it was because I drank a whole bottle of this menage a trois wine.

Then, I had dinner again a week later and got "sick" again.

Then, after dinner last night.... Yeah you are a fucking genius... Sick AGAIN!!

What the fuck??

There was no wine last night.

There was fish on all three nights. Twice it was Chilean Sea Bass and last night it was Tilapia.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.

I am mother fucking pissed. Yes, that means I am mad enough to fuck a mother. What the fuck - I say again.

A little personal information:

I am allergic to shellfish.
Part of my family is from Maryland and I lived there once upon a time.
Old Bay seasoning and Crab Cakes are a food group to me.
I can no longer eat Crab Cakes (I capitalize the words Crab Cakes because I love them THAT much), due to my allergies.

I love fish.
I love all kinds of fish.
Salmon, Sea Bass, Grouper, Snapper, Tuna, Tilapia, you get the frigging picture people?
I think I am allergic to fish.
I am probably still going to eat fish.

What happens when I eat fish?

Lately it feels like my intestines are trying to leave my body. My ass opens so wide, if you looked, I bet you could see out of my mouth. I get all crampy and feel like a popped zit for two days straight. I lay around and moan and groan. I get bitchy(er). There is a burning pain from my esophagus all the way through my entire digestive system, ending somewhere around a foot outside my asshole. Also, the toilet gets clogged. It's not from the size of the load, but the quantity. I think if you weighed my turd output over the last 24 hours, it would come out to more than my current body weight and I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE, but it is.

I am rambling.

This happens when I feel hollowed out and empty, yet full at the same time.

My O-ring is on fire.

Fuck, I think I need to make another trip to the bathroom AKA the diahrrorium......

I love you guys.



tfg said...

Ironic. I live in Maryland and despise all types and kinds of seafood. The mere smell of it makes me ill. I actually think there is an underlying allergy, but I've never been tested.

Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Awww, I feel for you! For the last five years or so, I have found that I will get a stomachache, kind of like I have to "go" but can't but still not like constipation really, for SIX HOURS after I eat eggs. I love eggs, scrambled, hard-boiled, fried. Sometimes I will still eat them anyway, doing the math as to when I will feel better and trying to anticipate whether feeling that sick will actually inconvenience me.

But when you started out with the post I thought you were pregnant. That might actually be more positive than being allergic to seafood.

ADW said...

TFG - Sometimes the reason you don't "like" a particular food is your body's way of keeping you from eating something that could harm you. (The above statement is probably bullshit but it sounds good anyway)

Kalleigh - So you know what I mean. It really sucks. I have decided that I will eat fish anyway and maybe my body will adjust over time. (I ain't crossing my fingers though)

Denise said...

Um. Lovely.

I could have told you that fish are toxic, nasty things. Just think about the disgusting water that they swim around in.

anonymouscoworker said...

I don't know what I would do if I couldn't have crabs and shrimp.

ADW said...

Denise - yeah but I still love 'em.

ACW - It is truly heartbreaking. I have some to terms with the shrimp and crab, but if I have to give up something I eat at least once a week, it is going to change the way I do a lot of things. Plan meals, shop for groceries, have sex. Really.

Legaleagle said...

Again, this proves my theory that everything in life always comes back around to poo. Sorry you feel like crap. I hope you get the miracle cure. If all else fails, go shoe shopping. It's a cure-all.

Chuck said...

You have a great way of writing. I am really enjoying your stories.

Two things: Shit out more then you weigh? Priceless and funny as hell.

I have seen that wine and have a picture of it in my phone, but have never had the guts to try it... (Even though, if menage-a-trois isn't every man's favorite wine, I don't know what is)