Monday, May 7, 2007

Enough is Enough

The lovely Miss Britt had a post on her blog today that made me think. Since this doesn't happen often, I would like to elaborate on what went on in my head today.

Britt's post was a question/answer for a woman whose boyfriend was getting out of jail after he violated a restraining order she had against him. She wanted to know if she should take him back.

Seriously? Seriously.

If you want the full story, hop on over to her blog and then come back.

Anyway, I posted the following:

All I can say is: Oh Wow, right on!!!

Well that is not all I can say…

I grew up with an abusive step-parent. I even had my “mother” - while taking me to the freaking ER after he hit me with a 2×4 beg me, crying, not to tell anyone what had really happened.

If you are reading this post - question asker - THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. There is no way that you should ever put them in that position.

Here is a question that you need to ask yourself:
“Would I rather be with this man now, or would I rather have my 3 children grow up to hate my guts?”

I am telling you right now, with 100% certainty, that will be what happens (Or something even worse) if you let this guy back into your life.

And if you decide that it is more important that you are with him at this time, then I hope children services takes your kids away you stupid fucking cunt.

I think that the question poser had a problem with my response because she countered with this:

ADW - I apreciate your kind thoughts. However someone in my position who has to ask for advise is not someone who is stupid, remember there are no stupid questions. Fucking cunt would have been just fine.

Breath. Breath deeply and breath calmly.

I feel for this person and her situation, but I still think that the question was stupid. It never should have been posed because there is only one answer.

Anyway, her question brought to mind a lot of the shit that I went through growing up. We won't get into the full of it right now, but suffice it to say it was not an easy time. I had it better than some, but worse than most.

I went out with an old friend who was in town from Maryland this weekend and that made me think of my childhood as well. I had not seen him in over a decade and we were sweethearts once upon a time. I was fourteen and he was sixteen when we started dating. He cheated on me and my heart was broken. I was devastated and inconsolable. But I realize now, looking back on everything, that I was pinning a lot on this adolescent relationship. I was in a horrible situation in my home life and I had this guy who seemed to be crazy about me. (This is all in perspective to me now, since I was so very young at the time.) I think that I saw in him a way out of my misery. Even if it was only holding hands when we walked to class, or stealing kisses at football games, that relationship opened my eyes to a new world. One where you aren't wondering where the next hit will come from. One where someone cares about you and doesn't make fun of you or call you stupid and worthless. This kid was my way out of that awful life and then it was over in the blink of an eye.

Now for all of those who know me now, you are wondering why he is still alive. The truth is, the blame really wasn't on him. I placed that relationship so high on a pedestal, there was nowhere for it to go but down. We were children who had no idea what it is to love someone for real. For all the good shit and bad shit that comes along. Plus I wouldn't put out....

We stayed friends, even after we broke up. I cared about him too much not to have a relationship with him. We even went to his senior prom together, since he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. Then time passed and we lost touch and I didn't see or hear from him until about six months ago.

Now here we are, fourteen years later and I still see in him the sweet, wonderful boy that he was back then. We had a few drinks, a lot of laughs over old times and took in the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight this weekend. He is a wonderful father with a great wife and a good life and I would never wish anything else for him. I have two beautiful children and a pretty good guy myself and I am happier than I ever thought I had the right to be.

In some ways, he changed my life in the time we spent together. He made me realize that I deserved more out of this world than what I had at the time. I went out and got that more.

To my first love, I have to say:
"Thank you for seeing in me what noone else did at the time. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me realize that I could have so much more out of life. Thank you for giving me my first, sweet taste of love. I forgave you a long time ago and when I thought of you in the past, it was about the good times, not the bad. That is the key to telling how positive of an effect you had on me."

I know this post started out on a different topic, but there was a purpose to that. Love is not cruel, it does not hurt you, it does not hit you and call you names and make you feel worthless. I don't want to get into the details of my childhood at this time, but if there is anyone out there reading this who is either abused or an abuser, I have one piece of advice:

Get professional help. There are people out there who are well trained on how to help in every situation imaginable. Your children love you and you are the example they see day in and day out. Stop and think about this - do you want to see your child in the situation you are in right now when they grow up? Scary isn't it?

To those who prey on the weak and the small - I hope you die a slow and painful death. Then, when your rotting corpse lay in the ground, I hope a pack of wolves dig up your skull and a Sasquatch finds it and fucks you in both eye sockets.

I'm still fucked up and dealing with my issues - obviously. Thanks to those of you who read this post. I know that it probably won't change anything, but I got a little torqued up when I read that woman's question.



Malnurtured Snay said...

What a fucking twat she seems to be!

Kalleigh Hathaway said...

That was a beautiful post, ADW, and I can honestly say that I never thought I would say that without a trace of sarcasm on a blog with the name "Hooters" in the title.

There are many of us from different walks of life for whom someone shows us a different way or a sign of hope. I had a very normal upbringing but had someone like that in my past too, who is very dear to me today.

The responsibility of how we live our lives once we have children is something that becomes very ingrained for some of us and not for others, though, and I find it's not understood well by those who don't. I make different decisions when dating now that I have a child. I don't let myself get swept off my feet. I keep him protected. I will put a man through hell before I put my child through a tiny fraction of that in getting to know someone who is not going to stay in his life. There's the old joke about eating for two when you're pregnant, but what people don't realize sometimes is that from that moment on, you're doing all your thinking and acting for someone else's interest for a very, very long time. Sometimes that can give you strength to do the right thing, but sometimes it also means giving up something you want for a greater good.

Thanks for that post tonight, I needed to read that.

Anonymous said...

That was an awesome post. And I do, absolutely, having grown up in a similar place myself and carried around lots and lots and lots of baggage... understand your response.

I think I need to rethink how I look at my first love.

ADW said...

Snay - Yup (=

Kalleigh - Thank you for the kind response. Most people have been affected by doemstic violence in some way and it takes a lot of strength to get out of it.

Britt - It is easy to hate someone for letting you go when you thought they would care about you forever. It is a lot harder to look at the truth of the situation (with time and maturity) and recognize that sometimes the best thing for your life is also the toughest choice to make.

Thank you for posting that question on your blog. It made me realize that maybe I can write about my painful experiences and that there are people who will understand where I am coming from.

Anonymous said...

Your post brought back some memories. Some good and some not so good--but not in fact bad.

Anonymous said...

You totally owe your old boyfriend sex. You should pay up, since you still have a bit of a relationship.

That's all I got. I'm simple.

Kim Ayres said...

Since when did anyone "owe" someone sex?

I guess the anonymous commenter is your old boyfriend

Girl in a Guy's World said...

Great post. In my line of work I so often see those women who claim they love a man who beats the shit out of them and their children repeatedly. I don't think it's love, I think it's fear. Fear of being alone, fear of having your limits tested, fear of living without restriction. And, fear is a very powerful thing. I have seen it happen too much. And (on more than a few occasions) end with her being pushed over the edge and shooting him. It's sad. Sad, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Old boyfriend here...did not post "owes me sex"!!

I tear up when I read that post. Amazing to know how one can affect someone's life so dearly. What an amazing person ADW is!


Helen Skor said...

ADW, your post was awesome, but I'm going to respond to something that probably doesn't even merit a response: How effing funny is it that the advice-seeking c*nt was cheeky enough to inform you that she wasn't stupid, but indeed a c*nt. I loved that! However, I do indeed believe that she is stupid.