Tuesday, June 5, 2007

3' Felon

I've been a little backlogged lately (not in that way Dyck!!) and I haven't been posting, but I wanted to let everyone know how the MD trip went.

Do you remember in the last post how I said that my egg donor was a huge fucking cunt who deserved to be butt fucked by satan himself? Well that still applies after my trip to see my sister - even more so now. When Psycho found out that one of my other sisters in Va Beach and I were going to be there to support our little sister when she had her baby, she refused to watch my niece for the first two days like she agreed and told my sister that she picked "us over her." Now Tree and I are lucky because we have another set of parents to support us but Red isn't so lucky. She has Psycho and her father and that is it and he does whatever Psycho tells him to, so he is no comfort to Red.

So we dealt with it. I went down Thursday night - made it from Cleveland to Rockville (north DC) in 4 hours and 50 minutes which is my all time personal speed record. A friend was watching my niece over night and I stayed at the hospital to be with Red. My new niece was born at 8:37 the next morning and after, I left to go to the Panera across the street to get some work done. Yes I am a frigging workaholic - whatever.

That afternoon I picked H up from daycare and drove her down to Rockville to see mommy and the new baby and then we went to Tyson's Corner. Holy Shit!!! When I told Red where I was going, she asked me if I was going to 1 or 2. I was like, "I don't have to shit, I'm just taking H to build-a-bear for her birthday present." Then Red explained that Tyson's Corner was so big (it is in McLean, VA) that it had a #1 mall - the ritzy one with Nordstrom's and Sak's - and a #2 mall, the commoner mall with Sears and JC Penney. Of course, the bear place was in #1, so that is where we went.

Can I please say that if you ever have the opportunity to go to a Build-a-Bear and are totally into having a psychotic episode, then be my guest. First of all, why would anyone give a child so many choices? It was like giving Whitney crack. She went apeshit. "I want a bear, no I want a puppy, no I want a Winnie the Poo, no I want..." On and on this went until I picked out three bears and gave her the option. But did it end there? No, of course not. You had to stuff it and fluff it and pick out clothes and name it and get a birth certificate. After all of that I was so exhausted that I had no desire to even shop - a freaking miracle people. She was so cranky that by the time we were finished, we just grabbed some dinner and headed back to my sister's house.

The next day Tree and her husband came up from Va Beach and after visiting with Red and the new baby, we checked into the hotel. Now we made these reservations knowing that this hotel had both a pool and a bar. Apparently, this particular MENSA level management group decided that their hotel pool wasn't going to open until AFTER Memorial Day. What the fuck? I promised my niece that we would take her swimming and to be honest, I was looking forward to having some adult beverages poolside.

So I did what any self-reliant woman would do, I improvised. I remembered that when we stayed at a different place down the street for my grandmother's funeral the year before, the hotel had a pool that was in the back of the hotel and you didn't have to have a key card to access it. I told Tree my plan and she went along with it - grudgingly. We got dressed in our swimsuits and drove over to the other hotel where I had the best time of the whole trip. There was a biker rally in DC that weekend and the place was packed with bikers. We went into the pool and weren't there a minute when H said that she had to go pee. Now H is 3 days away from her 4th birthday at the time and I told her if she couldn't hold it to go in the pool. Did she? Yeah. She squated right down at the edge of the pool and pissed all over the SIDE of the pool. We were cracking up until the stream turned and headed right for our stuff, so we moved all of the crap out of the way.

Then we settled in and proceded to get a little sun nourishment. About ten minutes go by and I hear H say, I have to go poopy and she started grunting. We were all looking at each other like "what the fuck are we going to do now?" My bro in law thought I should take her to the lobby. Seriously? If I had an actual room at the hotel, why the fuck would I need to take her to the lobby to drop a turd? We argued about how to take care of this little situation when inspiration struck. I took H over to a little alcove in between two of the structures where there was an ice machine and drink dispenser. She squated in between the ice machine and a brick wall and dropped a little package. Then I did what I do whenever my dogs take a crap in public - I scooped it up with a plastic bag and dumped it into the garbage can. Whoever came out later that day to get some ice after the ninety degree heat was in for a little surprise - hee hee. I know, I know. Totally wrong. But seriously funny. I thought Tree and her hubby were going to piss themselves, they were laughing so hard when we came back. Whatever. Shitting in public isn't a crime - is it?

Now we are finaly enjoying the sun and water. H is bugging all of us to play with her, but she won't move from the steps of the pool and I just wasn't in the mood to freeze my arse off. One of the biker guys, who was from Ohio as well, decided to take a dip and I told H he could be her new friend. I was just joking. The guy sits down to take his shoes off and H starts asking him a million questions. I apologized to him, but he just laughed and said she made him miss his little boys at home. H started in on us again and when we ignored her she decided to use a different tack. She said the following to my brother in law:

"Uncle S, why don't you come into the pool and play with me?"
"Come on H, I don't want to come into the pool."
"Well why don't you come in and play with that guy (pointing to biker dude)?"
"H - boys don't play together in pools. It's just not right."

Later Biker Dude gets out of the pool and H asks him if he likes her swimsuit. While pulling the entire front of the thing open for God and country to see. The guy starts laughing and asks her where she learned to do that. H smiles and says "my mommy taught me." I thought we were going to totally lose it. My sister fell off of her chair she was laughing so hard. I told Red the story later and she thought it was hilarious. Slut!!!! Just kidding.

So to recap, the following things happened within four hours:

1. Broke into a swimming pool so we wouldn't have to pay to go to some nasty ass public pool.
2. Taught my niece how to pee in public.
3. Taught my niece how to shit in public.
4. Threw said shit away in a hot ass garbage can not ten feet away from three hotel room doors.
5. My niece flashed her baby nubs at a forty-year old biker dude and outed her mom for being a dirty slut.

Oh and I forgot one.

6. Apparently H can sit down and scratch behind her ears with her FEET. Just like a fucking dog. What is my sister teaching this child?

The next day, my sister came home from the hospital and I headed back to Cleveland and Tree and Uncle S went back to Va Beach. It's nice to know that while I do not get to spend a lot of time with my family, the time we do spend together is Quality. I just hope H doesn't grow up to be some weird bendy circus freak who flashes her boobs and craps on sidewalks. (=

Thanks to everyone for their kind comments on the last post!!!


Tug said...

I've been lurking for awhile, but just have to say this cracked me UP. Too fun.

And Build-a-Bear? Torture with kids. But try going there alone (gifts for kids) during a birthday party, when they make you kiss the heart & make wishes & pump stuffing because OTHER KIDS ARE WATCHING. And THEY can't kiss YOUR bear's heart.


fatwonkkid said...

I am assuming you are light on some of the details...like wiping H's ass. Because if you didn't wipe her ass, now she has a shit patch on her bathing suit, and she left shit particles in the pool.

I think it is pretty classic to defecate and urinate at a hotel pool that you aren't staying at.

tfg said...

That kid is headed for the convent, for certain.

ADW said...

Tug - thanks for the comment - I wanted to open up with a paintball gun on the whole scene. Not a real gun, cuz kids you know, but red pellets.

Fattie - I did wipe her ass with some napkins I had with me. Sorry. I was laughing at the memory of what had happened and probably left a few things out.

ADW said...

TFG - the legacy lives on!!!

El Guapo in DC said...

I would take this moment to say that "a huge fucking cunt who deserved to be butt fucked by satan himself" is by far the best description of someone I have ever read in my entire life.

Women that talk like this are always married...

Amy said...


Well, have to give you props for being so resourceful, that's for sure!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

If you didn't want the kid's turd to get hot and stink up the joint, you should've tossed it in the ice machine. Then some unsuspecting hotel guest would end up with a POOPsicle.

Kim Ayres said...

Pee & shit in public, and can scratch her ears with her feet. Sounds more like H is being raised by wolves.

ADW said...

El G - Yay!! You paid me a visit. And for the whole language thing, well I've always kind of spoke that way in certain settings - my dad was a sailor. And ummm.. did you see my pic? I've been married twice, I think the language deteriorates after a divorce.

Amy - Yay! You came to see me too! So excited (=

Dyck - It's NO fun havng your tonge stuck to a frozen turd.

Kim - She is freaking hilarious. She almost destroyed my entire house once when she came for a visit (at age 2) and she is not even up to full force.

Avitable said...


You know, hotel lobbies have bathrooms.

themuttprincess said...

Holy Hannah that was funny shit.

You taught your neice things that she will remember FOREVER. And if she doesn't you will just have to remind her!!!

metalmom said...

I,too, have been lurking for a while (Hi Tug!) This was some seriously funny shit! *pun intended* Teach away! My nieces' favorite childhood memories are the ones when they learned life lessons from me!

Variant E said...

I keep waiting for somebody to combine a Spencer's mentality with Build-a-bear concept. Imagine what you could put together there!

Also, when I hear about peeing in public and craping in public, I don't here it in the context of swimming pools. That naturally leads me to think...