Monday, June 11, 2007

Old Man Golfer

This weekend Mr. ADW and I decided to go golfing.

I suck at golfing.

I am faboo at beer drinking.

This makes our relationship work.

We got paired up with another set of golfers, both by the name of Ron. This worked out well because after a few beers, I started calling Mr. ADW Ron to avoid any confusion.

Big Ron was exactly that - a larger man in his early fifties, he was a few months away from retirement from a truck driving company. Since I swear like a trucker, we got along like two old whores with a double-ended dildo. Big Ron had approximately 2 beers for each hole we played. On 14, Big Ron decided that the 200 foot walk to the port-o-shitter was too far and decided to piss in the woods. Gotta love it!!

Old Ron was somewhere in his seventies and he is my most favorite Ron EVER. The dude did not give a flying flip what anyone thought about him - my favorite kind of person. Old Ron farted about 1400 times over 18 holes of golf. He farted when he teed up, he farted when he bent over, when he got in and out of the cart...
He farted while he was walking up to his shot. Each step was a little fart:
pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft
In my head I was hearing:
"left, left, left, right, left"
By the 18th hole, Mr ADW and I were laughing so hard we had tears rolling down our faces. The Mr. was actually shaking so hard because he was trying to control the great big belly laugh threatening to come out.

I am not a big fan of being paired up with another set of players when golfing. One, I am worse than bad and I could throw a ball farther than half of the shots I take. Two, I swear - A LOT!! It's not that I care if I offend the other golfers, but I normally go to the same three courses because they are realtively inexpensive and since I suck ass, I would rather play there than a really great course and I would like to not get kicked out. And Three, I have to be nice to people every day and suck ass for work and I don't have it in me to fake friendly on the weekends. This time I didn't mind the guys we were with. They were funny, didn't get impatient when I pulled my Happy Gilmore golf hijinks, they liked to drink and swear and fart. Really what more could a gal like me ask for?

Oh yeah - I just realized that I didn't say fuck once in this post so:
fuck fuck flibbity fuck
cuntfuckulicousness fuckbag



fatwonkkid said...

i would think two old whores and a double ended dildo wouldn't get along.

1. they are old and crotchy (hehe...pun)

2. one whore maybe suspicious of the other whore for having the herps

3. older whores, i would think, are less likely to partake in some hot lesbo action

4. old whores are real nasty to think about. young whores are where its at!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Such a touching story. You and I would get along swimmingly. I also enjoy flatulating at will.

Legaleagle said...

fuck fuck flibbity fuck no less. I too love drunken golf. Or Midnight-Strip-Golf. So much more exciting than regular golf.

ADW said...

Fat - You do have a point, young whores are where it's at

Dyck - I knew you would appreciate this

Eagle - please post the rules for midnight strip golf, this I gotta see

Avitable said...

I want to hear more about your Happy Gilmore hijinx.

themuttprincess said...

How can other people not like a trucker mouthed, beer drinking woman?

Kim Ayres said...

Whenever someone mentions golf, it reminds me of that joke:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

ADW said...

Avi - that may be a separate post altogether

Mutt - that is what I keep saying

Kim - now, now, there is no reason for name calling. Plus anyone who knows me knows beter than to question the size of my balls. Especially when they are bigger than my boobs. (=

Malnurtured Snay said...

I love it when you cuss!

Variant E said...

Whew. You squeezed in those fuck words right at the end. I was worried! I kept checking the blog to see if I was at the right one or if I'd strayed to the disney site!

tfg said...

You ought to get a Pulitzer for cuntfuckulicousness.

ADW said...

Snay, E, TFG:
Can anyone guess my favorite word?

Malnurtured Snay said...


Anonymous said...

Drinks beer? Foul mouth?

You rock so hard I'm linking you, whether you like it or not.