Monday, June 18, 2007

Metrosexuals and The Al-Qaeda Dogs

My mother-in-law painted my three-year old's fingernails this weekend!! Why ADW, you ask, what is the problem with that? Answer: he's a boy. My little baby boy. I don't want him to paint his nails. Ever. Period.

Now don't get me wrong, I could care less if the grown up boys out there want to paint their nails. But if you can't be honest in your blog, where can you be? We all say we are cool with alternative lifestyles and blah, blah, blah, but how many of us would actually prefer our children grow up to be gay or transexual or transgendered or trans anything?? Not me. And if you are honest, not you either. I have gay friends. How can you work in the service industry for 14+ years and not. Guess what people? Every single one of my Mo's said that when they have children, they would prefer that they not grow up gay. I am a hypocrite. I know this as well, but aren't we all.....

Now painting my kid's fingernails is not going to make him gay - duh, I am not an idiot. But it could be even worse. He could turn into a metrosexual, the least manly of all men. If you are offended at this (which means you are a superMetro), then fuck off and stop reading now. Or keep reading and leave me hate messages, I don't really give a shit. My mother-in-law excels at turning guys metro. Take my brother-in-law. He used to be a marine. Now he is an aging male with frosted tips and pierced ears and he looks refuckingdiculous. I can't believe that guys still think it looks good to dress like the "Night at the Roxbury" douchebags. She also encouraged the piercing of my nephew's ears. Both of them. At age ten. And the highlighting of his hair. And the girly haircut. I just don't get it. I want a guy to look like a guy. I do not want the following:

UPDATE - doing one or two on the list is OK, but the issue is when you are so waxed, plucked, loofahed and polished that you longer resemble any type of man who could pick me up and carry me. I like that - A LOT!!!

1. A man who takes longer to get ready than I do
2. A man who uses more product than I do
3. A man who is prettier or would like to be prettier than I am
4. A man who diets - AKA a manorexic
5. A man who won't let me touch his hair
6. A man who meticulously landscapes the base of his joystick
- Caveat: some trimming is fine, but if you give yourself a "fade" downstairs, we've got issues
7. A man who wears ANY kind of make-up - chapstick is fine
8. Any kind of eyebrow waxing - period

Any additions to my list?? Feel free to add.

I have some girlfriends who love the "Gotti Boy" look. They date guys who are so groomed they look like they belong in an Abercrombie window. I personally don't get the appeal. As a female, I am high-maintenance enough. I don't want to have to tell my guy that his ass looks great in his jeans, or comfort him and cajole him to go out at night when he is having a bad hair day. That is what I do and it is his job to reassure me. Now, because of this "pretty boy" look that is sweeping the nation, my gaydar is going haywire. I can't tell up from down, gay from straight and boys from girls. Lucky for me, I have a guy already and don't have to worry about it, but these changes are just making the dating pool more diffcult for the rest of you.

My point is, I do not want my mother-in-law painting my kid's nails. Even if he WERE a girl, I would expect a phone call asking my permission to use nail polish on my child. It is not your place to make those decisions for my kid. I don't think she can help herself, but I told my husband that if he didn't lay down the law with her, I would. I am not nice and I really don't care if I piss my in-laws off, they already hate me, so my feelings on the matter is fuck 'em. So my husband took care of it. Well, he better have taken care of it because if not, and either one of my kids - boy or girl - comes home from her house with makeup or piercings, I will peronally drive over there and administer ancient Osage torture methods handed down to me by my grandfather. It involves an anthill, the sunshine and a piece of wet leather.

On to the second subject of my post:

My parents own a cabin on the St. Mary's River in Southern Georgia. The last time we were all out there, we were introduced to the two stray dogs that took up residence at Huckleberry Place (my mom picked the name out - in the South they name their houses). My mom named the two bitches Snowball and Tiger. I have no fucking idea why she even bothered naming them. My parents proceded to bitch and moan about the fact that the strays decided to take up residence at the cabin, when I had a brilliant question.

ADW - "Dad, are you FEEDING these dogs."
Dad - "Well your mother gives them scraps and water when we're out here."
ADW - "Then quit bitching about the fucking dogs. If you quit feeding them, they will go away."
Dad - "I quit feeding your mother and she stayed around."
ADW - "Ha fucking Ha."
Mom - ...smacks the back of my dad's head and glares at him before walking away

Fast forward to a conversation I had with my dad when I called him for father's day.

ADW - "Hey dad what's up?"
Dad - "Well we went out to the cabin and those stupid fucking dogs each had a litter of puppies. Nine nasty ass puppies were running around my property."
ADW - "What'd you do?"
Dad - "Your mom and your sister and her friends went out and brought the lot of them back here to give away to people. They got rid of six of them and are working on finding homes for the rest. If it were up to me, I would have just put a bullet through their heads. Fucking Al-Qaeda Dogs. Little Commie fuckers. Just kill 'em and get it over with."
ADW - laughing hysterically while trying to drive... "You would not and you know it you softie. You cried when Mocha (our family dog) had to be out down, you faker. If anyone would kill poor defenseless puppies, it would be mom and you know it."
Dad - "Yeah you're right, she would. But I still say those dogs are enemy agents sent to infiltrate the top levels of our government and report back to Osama bin Laden."
ADW - "I love you dad, you are insane."
Dad - "you want to talk to your Mother?"
ADW - "Put her on."
Mom - "Did your dad tell you about those stupid dogs?"
ADW - "Yeah" I relay our converstaion... "and I told him if anyone would shoot the dogs it would be you."
Mom - "I would but I don't know how to shoot. The last time I tried I got knocked on my butt. But you're right, you're father is a big pansy."

I love my parents. They are still REALLY young (my mom JUST turned fifty) and they love to have a good time. My dad is hysterical and when they have a few beers in them, they will tell you stories that will have you falling out of your chair. They can be a little eccentric at times and my mom can lose her car in a 7-11 parking lot, but they are great and I am so lucky to be able to have this relationship with them now that I am older and out from under the thumb of my egg donor.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I am in a shitload of pain from too much exposure to the sun. When you have kids, you tend to slather them in SPF 557 and forget about yourself which is what happened at this weekend's soccer tournament. Thank goodness we have six week hiatus from soccer. Maybe we will actually have a summer this year.



fatwonkkid said...

hahaha...a fade down there. i wanna do that now, because it would be funny.

Variant E said...

I had a date with somebody that wanted a metrosexual guy. I had to google metrosexual; had no idea what in the fuck she was talking about. I think only in clothes do I pass as one. I did stop biting my nails though and actually clip them...aack, I'm going over to the dark side!

Avitable said...

I'm kinda metrosexual, but I have to be to avoid being captured by Animal Control as a gorilla on the loose.

I don't manscape, but I use Aveda facial moisturizer and shampoo. I use hand lotion, and I only use body wash, not soap. I occasionally have to get my eyebrows plucked, although now I'm thinking about wax, because otherwise I only have one eyebrow, not two. So, it's all for a good cause.

Kim Ayres said...

What I find disturbing is not just that there wasn't a single thing on that metro list that applies to me, but there wasn't a single thing on that list that it even occured to me that I should even think about.

It kind of makes me feel old and very aware of a generation gap.

ADW said...

Fat - Send in pictures. PLEASE.

VE - It's OK if you are one or two of those things, but all of them?

Avi - I know exactly what products you use. Like I said above, some are OK, but when you end up looking like a Gotti Boy - uh problem. AND - the eyebrow thing is OK if you have a unibrow, but I am talking about the waxed like a lady's eyebrows dudes.

Kim - I had not doubt that a crusty old sea dog like yourself would not be on the list. It's a good thing (=

Anonymous said...

A caveat to your #8 is that exceptions should be made in the event of a unibrow. Nobody needs to see that shit.

ADW said...

All - UPDATED the blog with.. sheesh you people are picky. Just kidding. Seriously. Please don't leave. Then I will have no friends. Sad. Desperate. Ex. Hooters. Girl.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

As far as the gay thing goes...does clown makeup count?? Please say no.

fatwonkkid said...

i would have to clear that with the wife. how about pictures of the clippings instead :D

ADW said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ADW said...

Dyck - it is not gay if it is on a monkey, anyone else, then yes

Fat - tell her that the faces will be blackd out to protect the identity of innocent wive everywhere

Subservient No More said...

A Gotti boy. That's great. I've never heard it called that, but it brings to mind a certain picture. Those guys with all the gel in their hair that look like they stood in front of a 747's engine and it blew every strand on their head straight backward - you mean them right?

ADW said...

SNM - Yay!! A blogging queen has graced me with her presence.

I was so flustered I forgot the question. Yes those boys with the 747 hair. They also have fake blue contact lenses and tweezed/waxed/shaved brows within and inch of being bare and the requisite silk/satin/sateen shirts and jewelry and... well you get it.

Thanks for stopping by.

Da Monkey Code said...

Would I still be considered metrosexual if I diet, wear nice clothes and take moisturizing baths if I also counter it with the fact that I can often be found standing around my back yard at noon on a Sunday in my underwear with a beer in one hand and a power tool in the other?

ADW said...

Monkey - No. Again, it is all in the presentation. It is one thing to care about your appearance and another one entirely to try and upstage your woman. When I think about it, men should really be considered accessories. Like a handbag or a great pair of shoes.

Legaleagle said...

I once dated a guy who stole my hair products. That's a deal breaker for me.

Glamourpuss said...

Groomed is nice - especially in the pubic area (my pet hate is pubes in the back of my throat) - but vanity in a man is a total turn-off. He should keep himself neat and clean but not care if he's pretty or not. I think that's the difference.