10 Things I'd Rather Do

Than go camping:

• Remove my own tooth with a rusted out fork, subsequently exposing myself to infection and death.


• Spend a night in Gary, Indiana.... If Newark is the armpit of America, then Gary is the Vaginal Wart. Ughhhh.


• Be forced to not purchase lovely, wonderful, soul enlightening shoes for a year.


• Perform lewd sexual acts with Rush Limbaugh.


• Eat Mushrooms. I am not a picky eater, but I refuse to ingest something that thrives in a pile of shit. The mere smell of a mushroom is enough to keep me from eating a meal and I have actually vomited after accidentally consuming a dish with mushrooms in it. I know it is a pet peeve of servers, but I WILL LIE and tell people I am allergic to the fucking little bastards to keep them out of my food.


• Babysit ALL 12 of my nieces and nephews overnight at the same time. My husband might be sacrificed upon the alter of their unholy demands and evil actions, but I am pretty sure I can survive.


• Be staked to an anthill, naked, covered in honey. Shut up you sick fuckers... nasty asses, thinking about me all gooey and nekkid and tied down...


• Sleep Naked. OK, so that sounds pretty normal, but I have a huuuge pet peeve about sleeping in the buff. Everyone has heard the statistic that the average person swallows 3-4 spiders a year while they are sleeping. Well, once I thought about it, I decided that I am not taking the chance that one of those hairy mother fuckers is going to make its way into my creamy nougat center if I can help it. Yeah, yeah, you're all thinking I'm crazy and that there is no way a spider could make it up there unless I spent the last 10 years being fisted by Andre the Giant's dead corpse, but I ain't taking no chances with the vajayjay.


• Photocopy my girlie bits and e-mail them to my entire client list.


• Wear a Michigan Wolverines jersey during every game that THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES play this coming football season. I know that Florida whooped our asses in the National Championship game this year, but I still despise Michigan Football with every fiber of my being. To wear one of their jerseys would be sacrilegious and would most likely result in the demise of my marriage since Mr. ADW is the craziest Ohio State fan I know. In fact, he would probably make me do items 1-9 on this list if I even brought up the subject of becoming a Michigan fan. Psycho.

News flash, I hate camping. Actually, hate is too mild of a word for doing something that I abhor as much as "roughing" it in the wilderness. And by wilderness, I mean a camper with TV and air conditioning and a kitchen and shower. But still, I have lived in a camper FOUR times in my life - extended periods lasting up to two and a half years. Suffice it to say that I am sooooo over camping. There is absolutely zero appeal to me in packing up half our shit and moving it to a smaller place to vacation for a week. Give me an all-inclusive resort with 24-hour childcare any day over bugs and beasts and the certain guaranteed percentage of white trash hillbillies that frequent even the nicest campgrounds. Blech. I say it again - blech!!!!

FUCK Camping and the horse it rode in on.

That is all.

P.S. Blogger is an asshole - this was supposed to post at midnight, but it got hung up. I've also been having issues with not being able to enter in the Title Bar....