Monday, July 23, 2007

10 Things I'd Rather Do

Than go camping:
  • Remove my own tooth with a rusted out fork, subsequently exposing myself to infection and death.

  • Spend a night in Gary, Indiana.... If Newark is the armpit of America, then Gary is the Vaginal Wart. Ughhhh.

  • Be forced to not purchase lovely, wonderful, soul enlightening shoes for a year.

  • Perform lewd sexual acts with Rush Limbaugh.

  • Eat Mushrooms. I am not a picky eater, but I refuse to ingest something that thrives in a pile of shit. The mere smell of a mushroom is enough to keep me from eating a meal and I have actually vomited after accidentally consuming a dish with mushrooms in it. I know it is a pet peeve of servers, but I WILL LIE and tell people I am allergic to the fucking little bastards to keep them out of my food.

  • Babysit ALL 12 of my nieces and nephews overnight at the same time. My husband might be sacrificed upon the alter of their unholy demands and evil actions, but I am pretty sure I can survive.

  • Be staked to an anthill, naked, covered in honey. Shut up you sick fuckers... nasty asses, thinking about me all gooey and nekkid and tied down...

  • Sleep Naked. OK, so that sounds pretty normal, but I have a huuuge pet peeve about sleeping in the buff. Everyone has heard the statistic that the average person swallows 3-4 spiders a year while they are sleeping. Well, once I thought about it, I decided that I am not taking the chance that one of those hairy mother fuckers is going to make its way into my creamy nougat center if I can help it. Yeah, yeah, you're all thinking I'm crazy and that there is no way a spider could make it up there unless I spent the last 10 years being fisted by Andre the Giant's dead corpse, but I ain't taking no chances with the vajayjay.

  • Photocopy my girlie bits and e-mail them to my entire client list.

  • Wear a Michigan Wolverines jersey during every game that THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES play this coming football season. I know that Florida whooped our asses in the National Championship game this year, but I still despise Michigan Football with every fiber of my being. To wear one of their jerseys would be sacrilegious and would most likely result in the demise of my marriage since Mr. ADW is the craziest Ohio State fan I know. In fact, he would probably make me do items 1-9 on this list if I even brought up the subject of becoming a Michigan fan. Psycho.

News flash, I hate camping. Actually, hate is too mild of a word for doing something that I abhor as much as "roughing" it in the wilderness. And by wilderness, I mean a camper with TV and air conditioning and a kitchen and shower. But still, I have lived in a camper FOUR times in my life - extended periods lasting up to two and a half years. Suffice it to say that I am sooooo over camping. There is absolutely zero appeal to me in packing up half our shit and moving it to a smaller place to vacation for a week. Give me an all-inclusive resort with 24-hour childcare any day over bugs and beasts and the certain guaranteed percentage of white trash hillbillies that frequent even the nicest campgrounds. Blech. I say it again - blech!!!!


FUCK Camping and the horse it rode in on.


That is all.

P.S. Blogger is an asshole - this was supposed to post at midnight, but it got hung up. I've also been having issues with not being able to enter in the Title Bar....

24 comments:

fatwonkkid said...

creamy nougat center...very interesting

Scary Monster said...

Personally me likes camping. Getting a campfire started with nothing more than a lighted match and an overabundance of flatulence be one of me favorite pastimes.

On the less serious side. You can tweak the post by using the 'post options' tab at the bottom of the page and Me overcame the problem in the title box by mouse clicking in a blank field and then using me 'Tab'button.

Keep your nougat stompy!

Kim Ayres said...

I can cope with camping, almost, but I can't cope with campsite toilets, or even worse, the idea of digging your own hole in the ground somewhere. The last time I wnet camping for the week, the tent never left the back of the car and each night we ended up staying in a B&B

Mr. Fabulous said...

I could not agree more. Camping? The best cmaping is done at a nice hotel with room service overlooking the beach.

You had me at "vaginal wart"

Mim said...

I feel you on mushrooms. If I'm going to eat them, I'd better damn well get some kind of hallucinogenic symptoms b/c otherwise, they're coming right back up.

ADW said...

Fat - I liken myself to a milky way

Monster - Thanks

Kim- that's my idea of camping

Fab - I thought that was a nice touch

Mim - Not even then - I would rather anything else. I never could bring myself to eat them even recreationally.

DangerDoll said...

Um...so how do you feel about, say, camping?

metalmom said...

Did the camping thingy once or twice and found out SPIDERS(!) tend to show up!I do not camp any more.I guess sleeping nekkid is out too (THANKYOUVERYMUCH!)You have officially caused my love shack to close down temporarily from fear! Metaldad better come up with something spesh to make me open shop again!LOL

Jenny! said...

I will join you on all 10 if it will keep me from camping! I would rather shove nasty mushrooms up my nougat center than camp while laying on an ant hill! Camping sucks!

Miss Britt said...

... and where I live is the ass juice.

Jeannie said...

Thanks for stopping by...only about 7 years ago now..

I'm in total agreement about camping. Even with all the trailer ammenities (been there, done that) it was still less convenient than home - less comfortable - and twice the homes to take care of. No thank you very much. If survival depended on it, I would camp but otherwise a 4 star all-inclusive is all I need.

Miss Kitty said...

You grossed me out mightily with #4.

[vomits]

ADW said...

Doll - I love camping - my favorite thing to do (=

MetalMom - ha, ha, ha. Now I have other people freaked out about the coochie invading spiders

Jenny! - its nice to be agreed with on occasion

Britt - elaborate please - I am not all there on Mondays - NEVER mind I went back over it and I get it now. But you are moving to the schlong of the USA, so that's good.

Jeannie - I love knowing I am not alone

KittyKatLover - Bwah ha ha *evil laughter echoes through my office*
I was waiting for someone to comment on that one.

themuttprincess said...

I HATE HATE HATE HATE camping. OF any kind.

Hotel ONLY.

K thanks.

Avitable said...

Can I at least still fantasize about you sleeping naked?

ADW said...

Mutt - peraching to the choir baby

Avi - yeah, fine, whatever. Just don't fantasize about me nekkid with creepy spiders all over me.

Princess V said...

I am soooo with you. I mean I have four effing bathroom, why the hell would I pee in a bush???

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I have just purchased five gallons of honey and a length of rope. I'll be there in an hour.

Tug said...

Damn. I want to buy an RV & just move wherever the hell I want to, when I want to.


But it would have to be a nice one. ;-)

Open Grove Claudia said...

Ok, if you decide to photograph your girlies bits? Please don't send them to me.

So are you going camping?

Gaz said...

Fisted by Andre the Giant?

ROFL

ADW said...

Princess V - I have peed in a bush, it wasn't fun for either of us.

Dyck - more like five and a half hours...

Tug - it's just not for me, but have at it (=

Claudia - why not? and no - NEVER again.

Gaz - I can't wait to see what searches bring people to my site after this post....

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

"Fisted by Andre "The Giant's" dead corpse?!?!?!?!?! You're a special lady.

Glamourpuss said...

I am so with you this. If God wanted me to dig a hole in the earth and crap in it, he would have made me a cat...

Oh.

Puss