Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Manho Cho, Jesus and Peep Toe Friday

I love my stylist. He is a complete freak, so it is quite possible that we were separated at birth. I long ago dubbed him ManHo Cho. Let me set the stage if you will. ManHo is Vietnamese. He was born in Vietnam, but moved to America about 20 years ago. He is flamboyantly gay. He is about 5' 2" tall, wears glitter all over, is addicted to extremely tight Dolce and Gabanna pants with shiny belt buckles and has the best body I have ever seen on a man. I am serious. He is like 2% body fat - it disgusts me.


ManHo also has the best accent ever. It is a gay Asian accent. The closest person I can compare him to is Hank the wedding planner from "Father of the Bride", but with an Asian accent. This makes it somewhat difficult to understand him if you are a new customer, but I know exactly what he is talking about at any time.


Manho: "Wha you wan done with you hayar?" (What do you want done with your hair)

Me: "Whatever, just don't fuck it up."

Me: "I think blonder."

Manho: "OK. We do you up rike Grease Silverspoon."

Me: "The fuck?"

Manho: "You know you look a lot rike Grease Silverspoon, but you prettier than she is and you make me raf."

Me: ".......hmmmm...thinking. Oh shit, you me Reese Witherspoon."

Manho: "Dat's what I say - Grease Silverspoon"

Me: *Snort, Snort* "You are fucked up. Why am I your personal Barbie Doll?"

Manho: "You ret me do whatevah I want and we always makes you rook fah-bu-lous, yes?"

Me: "Yeah. Plus I tip you a shitload, so I better look good."

Manho: "You so funny. We love ADW."

So last week, I went in to get my hair done at the last minute and subsequently had to share chair time with a really cool chick named Stacey. She writes copy for Greeting Cards which fucking rocks. I can't even imagine the foulness that would ensue if I had that job. Even better, I know a crazy, Diet Coke swilling gorilla who writes effing fantastic postcards - go see them here. But anyway, I was a few minutes late because there was a SICK ASS shoe sale at Macy's. I got five pairs of extremely beautiful shoes and the best part was that they were all on sale. They were also all peep-toed, but I don't care because I have an addiction that I never want to go away. So while I was waiting for ManHo to mix my color, he demanded that I model the shoes for him and Stacey. I did and had all of the stylists commenting on how fabulous my new shoes were. They really are beautiful. I will post some pics of my shoes up here soon. It is a real illness and my husband is an enabler...

So after a mutual admiration session and a lot of oohing and ahhing, Man Ho got down to the business of making me look fabulous. Actually, I am already fabulous, but he iced me up a little bit. At one point in time, I was bent over at the waist in his chair staring at his flip flops and french-manicured toe nails (I once convinced him to have his toenails painted white with black Asian Characters on them - it fucking rocked) when he started talking about his new gym. Previously, we were both members of the same gym until I realized what a waste of my hard earned cash that was. I mean why work out when you can snort coke all day long to stay skinny? But I digress. This is going to be difficult to get just right, but I am going to try.

The Gym Conversation:

Me: "You switched gyms?"

ManHo: "Yah. XXXX Gym was being too white trash foh me."

Me: "Where are you working out now?"

ManHo: "Wallllll. I go to XXXX gym now. Look at me. Feel my arms."

At this point in time, he flips me up and out of the chair and makes me feel his body. Oh my fucking shit. I have NEVER in my life felt a hotter body. The fact that it was on a flaming gay Asian Dude made me sad since there is no chance for the ladies out there to enjoy those huge arms and rock-hard abs. Then he shoves me back into my seat and flips me back over.

Me: "Are you on fucking steroids? Because your arms are HUUUGGGEEE!!!"

ManHo: "Ha, Ha. You know I no put no drugs in my body. I wook owt awl de time. You feel how big my ahms get?"

Me: "Yup. Too bad you're gay. Fuck."

Me: "Wait a second. I KNOW you don't go prancing around in that white unitard and glitter like you did at our old gym. No frigging way do they let you get away with that at the new one. What do you wear?"

Manho: "Well I am more cohn-sew-va-tive at the new prace (place). I wear T-Shirt and Showt Pants."

Me: "Explain these "Short" pants to me."

ManHo: "Wayall.. Dey ahr black and tight and dey go down to here." He is now pointing to mid calf.

Me: Laughing hysterically. "Dude you are wearing fucking CAPRIs to the gym. Capri pants. Can you get any gayer?"

We laugh and joke for the rest of the time I am getting my blond on and then I switch seats with Stacey and he starts her cut. I am doing my normal clown routine; making jokes and poking fun at all of the fug walking by the window when Stacey stops laughing and asks ManHo if I am his favorite customer. I cut them off before he can answer and tell her that he loves all of his customers the same (He really doesn't play favorites). Then I proceed to hear the funniest thing I have heard in a really long time:

ManHo: "I rove all of my peoples duh same."

Me: "He really does."

ManHo: "I really do. I am rike Jesus. I love all da peoples da same. Yes I am rike Jesus."

Pan the camera to Stacey and I falling out of our chairs laughing. You can't help but love a hairdresser that compares himself to Jesus. Straight or Gay; Christian, Atheist or in between, the fact that he compared himself to Jesus has got to make you laugh. The fact that he was serious and said that with a straight face is even funnier. You should have seen the looks that we were getting from the rest of the uptight, stick-in-the-ass, lock jawed titlickers in the joint. It was PRICELESS!!!

35 comments:

Miss Kitty said...

Ohhhh! Now I'm jealous that ManHo isn't MY stylist!

Avitable said...

I think I need to find a good gay barber. They definitely do the best jobs.

And thanks for the linkage, but you didn't put it in right! :D

ADW said...

Kitty - He is Fagulous (=

Avi - All fix-a-roony

Avitable said...

Sweet.

fatwonkkid said...

don't feel too sad...think of all the gay guys that can appreciate his rock hard gay body...

ADW said...

Avi - of course I'll pimp you out. Nuthin' but love here...

Fat - Yeah, but he is just too much for words. He actually told me that his latest "girlfriend" was too feminine for him. I am not even sure how that is possible.

Miss Britt said...

I am going to spend the rest of my day quoting scripture in a gay asian accent. While wearing my favorite pair of peep-toes.

ADW said...

Britt - It is a shared obsession. If I had to pack up my shoes, I would probably be sobbing right now, completely inconsolable.

"Foh God so roved da wold dat he gave his only begowtan suhn, dat whosoevah should beweaveuth in him......."

Now that is stuck in my head - thanks ever so much...

ManHo will get a kick out of that when I tell him.

DangerDoll said...

"I am rike Jesus..." OMG I'm the one falling out of the chair right now!

Mine is a Cambodian woman who sounds exactly the same, calls everyone "Dahhhhlink", but isn't nearly as fucking FUNNY! I want a Manho, too!!!

Crunchy BC said...

Please, please, please let Jesus come back as a gay Asian hairdresser. The religious right would crucify him faster than he could snap his fingers and say, "Foegive dem, fadda, foe dey no not wha dey do."

El Guapo in DC said...

ADW, you better tell that husband of yours that the moment he f's up, there is going to be a Guatemalan at your door.

ADW said...

Doll - how come funny straight women are notnearly as funny as funny gay men?

Crunchy - I am definitely not one to throw rocks. My house is so full of glass, the rock would ricochet back, hit me in the head, knock me out and I would come to as a gay asian hairdresser.

El Guapo - Mustache rides anyone???

Mim said...

I miss gay hairdressers. I used to have one who would announce me like I was someone famous, b/c he was convinced I would one day be famous and only have one name like Cher or Madonna. I loved it. But I haven't had a real haircut in years. boo.

metalmom said...

My gay just likes to shop- and that's OK with me! I wish he'd stop telling me how to rearrange my furniture and do my hair instead!

LMFAO @ I'm rike Jesus!

themuttprincess said...

I am so fucking jealous. I RUV your styrist. So. fucking. jealous.

ADW said...

Mim - you quit cutting your hair??? Why?

MetalMom - My gay shops too, but his workout clothes are a gay man's wet dream. Seriously. I really used to work out with him and he would prance around in those singlets that wrestlers wear all slicked up with oil and dusted with glitter.

Mutt - I ruv him too (=

Mim said...

My bad, I wasn't clear. It's not that I haven't cut my hair in years, I just haven't had a professinal (read gay) cut my hair in years. Because I do a lot of theatre I usually opt for a quick trim from a wardrobe techie.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My barber is like Moses. He's old, wears a robe, and parts me down the middle.

ADW said...

Mim - gotcha!! Your pics dont look like you have Crystal Gayle hair so I was kinda wonderin'

Dyck - still with the religous stuff? I really cannot believe that you haven't been smited down yet. Smoted down? Smote down? Oh fuck it!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gay barbers know all there is to know about hair and blowjobs. Fact.

Glamourpuss said...

I. Need. To. See. Those. Shoes.

Neeeeed to.

Fabulously funny post, darlin'.

He sounds a total scream.

Puss

ADW said...

Dr. Right Testicle - you are right, it is fact

Puss - the truth be told, I m knda lazy, so if I feel like figuring out the whole picture download bullshit, I'll try and get some pics up.

Scary Monster said...

ADW. That link to avitable was awesome between his irreverency and yer gay ManHo. Me be belching flames and cackling like a complete idiot.
Thaks baby, you give good laugh.

STOMP,

But not while breaking in new shoes.

Tug said...

I want a Manho...dammit. So are you going to post a pic of your Grease Silverspoon hair with the new shoes?

Kim Ayres said...

I've given you an award over at my site. If you like it you can pass it on to 5 others you think deserve it

Variant E said...

ADW: I want to buy some of your greeting cards! I would probably guess that they couldn't be put up in the workplace though...

Oh, and at least Manho Cho just said he was "like" Jesus. Lennon tried that "more popular" thing and it didn't go over well...

savannah said...

i LOVED this, sugar! i miss gay hairdressers..or at least the really flaming ones..the gayboys here are too conservative, i mean it is the south!

Jenny! said...

He sounds hot....have you tried to turn him wet...I mean yet???

Legaleagle said...

Oh. My. God. That's really all I can say to that. I'm laughing too hard.

Open Grove Claudia said...

So are you having more fun now that you are blonder??

ADW said...

Scary - thanks, I love Avi - completely irreverent and hilarious!!!

Tug - my hair only looks like that for three days then it goes into a ponytail - I'm quite lazy

Kim - thanks, now I have to think about the people I should nominate. Danit, I hate thinking..

VE - If I wrote greeting cards, I would end up in prison

Savannah - thanks for stopping by. The gays in the south just have to be a little more discreet.

Jenny - THere is zero chance of turning that queen into a hetero

Eagle - laughter is my aim

Claudia - I always have more fun no matter what the color of my hair is.

Meemo said...

I think it's funny that you managed to use ManHo and Jesus in the same sentence.

Kelly said...

ohmygawd! Where the hell are you located!? I must have him for my hairdresser. I am a huge faghag...

I have the shittiest hairdressers! I want a hot flamboyant gay man!!! Damn!

Webmiztris said...

I like a gay man you can say, "Can you get any gayer?" to without them getting their panties in a bunch. ;)

karla said...

I would look so much better if my stylist were a Gaysian. I've got to get me one of those.