Thursday, July 19, 2007

I'm a Fool

If you read the title of this post, then reading this part is probably redundant, but go ahead. I am an asshole. I have well documented evidence of my ass-holey behavior through the last.... well less than thirty years. Anyhoo, normally I can keep the fact that I am a complete freak out of business settings. Over the last four years, I have had a lot of practice burying my smart-mouth tendencies and over the top humor while associating with my clients. The fact that these people are the reason I get paid made it a little easier than I normally thought it would be. So I mentally flip the bitch switch when I am out at job sites or meeting with customers for presentations or talking to a Board of Education. Changing my ways is a struggle, but I have done a damn good job of hiding my true self from the judgemental eyes and ears of the Public Sector that I serve.

That all changed this week.

This week my friends, I had a complete and utter meltdown in the middle of a brand spanking new school building. This school district just happens to be disgustingly wealthy and I have a HUGE project on the line with them for two different technology implementations. My meltdown was witnessed by my two engineers, the technology representative from the school and about 15 other guys that were doing finalized work to get the building ready for August.

What was this outrageous behavior? Did I physically attack someone? Did I throw a computer through a wall? Did I take out a drill and relieve some dickwad fuckup of his manhood? Nah... I didn't do any of that. What I did was laugh. Yes I laughed and laughed until I had tears rolling down my face. The echoes of my laughter were carried through the halls and out of the building. I laughed until my BACK hurt. Now if any of you have laughed that hard, you know what I am talking about. It physically hurt to laugh anymore, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I was in hysterics. By the time I had stopped laughing and walked out into the main hallway, 36 eyes swung my way to see what the eff was going on. At first I was mortified. I mean I am a professional. I should not have lost my composure like that, but I could not help myself. Then I saw the faces of the people around me. Most of them had no clue what the fuck was going on. I could have had a complete mental breakdown and be ready for the loony bin, but about half of them were laughing along with me. My laughter had become contagious and even though those guys didn't know why they were laughing, my freakishly loud donkey hee-haws had tickled them just enough to come out with some chuckles of their own.

After I wiped my eyes, we all got back to work. I NEVER forward jokes on through e-mail. You will NEVER get a chain letter from me. But below is one of the funniest things I have read in a really long time and I thought I would share it with you. I figured if I liked it, then maybe you would as well. I can tell you that you should not read this in an area where laughter is not tolerated. Some examples would be: Guantanamo Bay, the Mighty Dyckerson's pants, the CCU of Rainbow, Babies and Children's Hospital, Washington D.C. or the poop deck of a Russian Trawler. Anyway, please take a minute to read this and let me know what you think. Myself... well I peed a little in my pants.


Texas Chili
If you can read the whole story without cracking up, preferably with tears
running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you you are a complete douchebag.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes below are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
Like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
More beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
To taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
Adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
Admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of IAM’s
Worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
He is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
Through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
Bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
Nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
Fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



OK. So I know that this is potty humor, but it's what tickles my giggle bones. I really hope that you all found this as funny as I did. For those of you who didn't enjoy the joke, you may need psychiatric care. Or surgery to reinsert an appreciation for the absurd into your life.

ADW

26 comments:

Avitable said...

This was very funny the first time I read this. That was about 5 or so years ago, and I laughed my ass off.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Even though I thought it was funny, can I still get the psychiatric care?

Glamourpuss said...

What's a douchebag?

I fear I may be one.

Or maybe it's a cultural thing...

Puss

ADW said...

Avi - I kind of figured it for an old joke, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless.

Fab - we all have needs darling.

Puss - You are not a Douchebag. A DB is what that chubbo who yelled at her duaghter for wearing clothes that made her look chubby is.

PrincessV said...

Ewwww, a snow cone?? I wonder what flavor.
That being said I'm kind of in the mood for chili now.
How do I get a fancy schmancy picture?
That Avitable guy, I've visited his site a couple of times--he makes me nervous.

PI said...

Hi! I'm here via our mutual friend Kim and enjoyed the slow build up and the laugh. Thank you!

Tug said...

I love that joke, & everyone needs that kind of laugh once in awhile! Good for you. ;-)

Paulette Foley said...

OMG...I have no make-up left and just started my day!

THAT IS FUNNY!

Just sent copies to everyone in the office and we're all crying together.

Variant E said...

At least you told all those engineers you were laughing at them, not with them. Right?

Great Chili joke. Laughed my ass off. I once took a bite of hot sauce at a Thai restaurant and my tongue went numb for the entire night.

metalmom said...

Laughed my ass off!! I've been known to do that in hospitals and at funerals too. (My bad!)

LOL@ princessv- Avitable makes her nervous?? He's such a sweetie!!

Miss Britt said...

I've never seen this before and I literally have my head down on the desk laughing my ass off, spitting and crying.

WAYYYY funnier than I expected. LOL

(haven't laughed this hard in 24+ hours - thanks)

ADW said...

Princess - Avi's the breastest, I mean the bestest. As for the snowcone, I am thinking grape.

Pi - thanks for stopping by

Tug - I didn't realize how old that joke was, but humor does stand the test of time

Paulette - thanks for spreading the love

VE - I like spicy, but not deadly

MetalMom - How irreverent. Loves it!!

Britt - glad I could get you to laugh today *hugs and kisses*

George said...

Thnaks for the comment at my place today ... it is a funny joke but not quite as funny as the first time I read it

Miss Kitty said...

OMGLOLWTFBBQ!!!

Priceless! And I bet Texas chili cookoffs are sort of like that.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YAWN.

ADW said...

George - your welcome

Miss Kitty - I Thought it was funny.

Dyck - POON, there, that get your attention now?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Did somebody say POON??!?!?

Jenny! said...

Hilarious!

Laughing hysterically rocks!

Open Grove Claudia said...

I hate chili. I side with Judge #3 on every batch I've ever had.

Scary Monster said...

Anythang that'll put fire in me belly , kick start me brain and make me shit radioactive waste has got to be just what the doctor ordered.

Stomp.

ADW said...

Dyck 2.0 - I know how to get your attention.

Jenny - sorry what? At first I read rocks as cocks and it screwed everything up.

Claudia/Monster - you two are the exact opposite. Keep that in mind in case you both find yourselves single in the future.

themuttprincess said...

I thought that was fucking hilarious!!!!

Phil said...

That story is just about as funny as the commercial we have on TV showing a dog drag its ass across this homeowners carpet. Nothing like a dog with some wicked worms to break you up.

Namaste.

Kim Ayres said...

Those guys must have asbestos asses

ADW said...

Mutt P - tears. down. my. face.

Phil - that reminds me, I ned to take my dog to the vet's. She's been ass rubbing across my carpet.

Kim - that's funny - now I am picturing all Texans with hairy fiber butts.

Not a Granny said...

That is funny!! Have to share with office..