Tuesday, July 31, 2007

....and your little dog too!!!

My mother-in-law's nasty ass Shih Tzu almost bought the farm today. I haven't laughed like that since the Chili Cook Off Joke.

Background story anyone?

My in-laws and I have a semi-decent relationship. By that I mean that they barely tolerate me and I refrain from murdering them in their sleep - works for everyone with the added bonus that I don't go to jail. So imagine my surprise when I volunteered to dog sit for them while they are on vacation. Not too bad... yet. What you all are not realizing is that in my home we have a small zoo: two dogs, a cat and a rabbit. We did have two toads, but the cat gave one of them a heart attack and ate the other one, so yay for the cat. On top of that this isn't your normal every day vacation. They are going to be gone for a full month and we get another forty-seven pounds of dog hair to clean up on a daily basis, in addition to our own dogs' sixteen pounds of hair. BUT, I was trying to do the right thing since they told us that they would have to kennel the dogs for a week down in North Carolina and it was going to cost them somewhere in the vicinity of $500 to do so. Altruism is dead and I figure I'll get the investment back one of these days *evil laughter follows*.

So we extended the offer to them. They hemmed and hawed (actually it was more like hee-haw, but you get it) and decided that they would graciously allow us the opportunity to experience life with four dogs in our house: a Black Lab and a Yorkie (ours) and a Golden Retriever and a Shih Tzu (theirs). It isn't that I don't like dogs, I do, but we literally have four "bitches" in our house now. The cat is going apeshit, hissing and arching his back which I have never seen him do and he now hides in our laundry room, or upstairs away from the evil clutches of Maggie the Over exuberant Golden Retriever who thinks he is her personal chew toy.

Actually the Golden isn't that bad, although she creates mounds of dog hair and smells like a homeless person's asshole after they get the winepoo from a couple of bottles of Boone's. But the Asshat Dustmop Shih Tzu, she can go straight to hell. She is pure evil in the form of what looks like a cute little furry dog. Instead she is a growling, rancid beast that is trying to drive me stark raving mad. I swear to ever loving heaven that she is out to get me. She watches me with her beady little black eyes and I can see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their evil ebony depths. I have also caught her trying to sneak up on me at random times, so to discourage this, I will sneak up on her and yell Gotcha! at the top of my lungs - this actually made her piss on my carpet but it was worth it to see her turn into a shaking, sniveling mass of whimpering fur. She growls at me as soon as I get home and try to take her out of her kennel. So now I have to throw a blanket over her head to keep her from ripping me apart limb by limb like a little land bound piranha. I fucking hate this dog!!!!

So this evening, when I got home, I immediately put the two visiting demons onto their tethers in the back yard. This way they can stay out of my way and out from under my feet - I kick first and ask questions later. After dinner, I was out in my garage and my husband peeks his head out the door and says to me: "my mother almost came back to a dead dog." Almost? Almost? I've been trying my best to knock her off for the last couple of days, so what the fuck? Apparently the little spawn of Satan had managed to tangle herself up in SuperDiva's soccer net, not once or twice, but five times. She got the loops in the netting wrapped around her evil little puppy neck and was actually hanging from it, doggy feet flailing about.

Obviously Mr. ADW untangled the wretch from a disaster of her own making and came out to tell me what happened posthaste. As soon as I found out she didn't die, I started giggling. The giggles erupted into all out cackling as soon as I visualized the little fucking princess thrashing about and gasping for breath. That outta teach you for trying to turn my arm into a meaty bone treat. Karma's a bitch and she isn't limited to us humans anymore. Suck on that one you little hellspawn, I put a little extra something in your kibble tonight. Heeeee heeeee heeeee.


Miss Britt said...

ooooooh - you are so gonna get PETA hate mail.....

Crunchy BC said...

My wife does the same thing when I sneak up on her.

It'a a problem.

Mim said...

Why is it that the small dogs are always the demon dogs? They're supposed to be the cute ones.

Glamourpuss said...

Your unabashed evil is inspiring. And your cat sounds awesome - I'm newly single again, would he fancy accompanying me mousing next weekend?


Jenny! said...

Can you cover the little hellspawn in peanut butter, give the golden some "special" brownies and hope that the golden gets super hungry and eats the little one? Then it wouldn't really be your fault...the dog ate the other dog!

PETA is so gonna show up on your front stepss...after they are done throwing stones at my house!

5 of 9er said...

Miss Britt... does Peta send anything but hate mail?

ADW said...

Britt - Yay! I am trying so hard to get my first hate mail.

Crunchy BC - I hope she bites you.

Mim - My little dog (Yorkie) is sweet as can be, but that hell hound is pure E-V-I-L

Puss - the Kitty is the Alpha Pet in our house and puts the dogs in their place. We've talked it over and he said a date with you would be purrrrfect. (sorry I couldn't resist)

Jenny! - bwa ha ha. That's a good idea, I'll let you know how it works out.

5 of 9 - I can't answer for Britt, but I have NEVER gotten a love letter from them...

Anonymous said...

I'm loving Jenny's peanut butter idea! I HATE HATE HATE little teeny dogs. On the upside, they can really get some distance on 'em when you punt.

Open Grove Claudia said...

We've cared for my mil's pets as well. The last time, the dog had this awful, bleeding, nasty rash that the in-laws knew nothing about. (She has a what?) She came that way - I promise you. So off to the vet she goes and I have to give her daily baths with this expensive shampoo. Grrr.

I actually like the dog, so I'd be sad if she died. Now, she runs to me and won't go with the mil. She jumps in our truck and hides hoping to go home with us. Poor thing.

My mil was the same with her son. Gratefully, he stays with me.

themuttprincess said...

Holy shit that was funny. Those lil dogs are CRAZY! (we have a shitzu and maltese mix, and although he is good, it took some heavy training!!!)

Anonymous said...

Screw you, you evil cunt.

THE Asshat Dustmop Shih Tzu

ADW said...

Doll - good idea, next time I'll kick her INTO the net

Claudia - I don't really want her to die, just stop nipping at everyone.

TMP - some are good, some not so good. This one is pure evil.

Anonymous - Love letters already. My heart is going pitter-patter. But really, Shih Tzu fucking doesn't turn me on. Well, maybe if I were bathing in her blood....

Kim Ayres said...

And the kids always wonder why I snarl at them whenever they ask if they could have a puppy...

Paulette Foley said...

I love your blog. You really make me laugh! The thought of that dog hanging on the soccer net...she'll be a sweet, compliant puppy by the time she leaves your house. LOL

Miss Kitty said...

Lord, that's funny, and I do love little dogs.

ADW, you've been tagged for a meme over on Educated & Poor. :-)

ADW said...

Kim - pets are great in moderation. Apparenty my "just say no" skills are sorely lacking.

Paulette - If I can keep her from foaming at the mouth whenever she sees me by the end of the sitting session, I will feel very accomplished.

Miss K - Thanks. Don't be surprised if I don't post it for a while.

Yoda said...

My roomie's GF is chinese, and she tells me that they eat dogs in China ... if only you could 'mistakenly' ship one of them to Beijing ... and yes, make sure the return address is wrong too!!


Scary Monster said...

Me no liking little ankle biting doggies. Me prefers the type that can swallow the neighbors cat in one gulp.


Tug said...

My mom has a shit-zoo. I hate that dog. I thought poodles sucked the big one, but I now realize they were trained by shits.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christ, woman! You make Michael Vick look like Mother Theresa!

Gaz said...

I tried, but failed. I tried to stop the mental picture of a doggie dangling, but failed. Too late, its now stuck (the mental image, not the dog!)

ADW said...

Yoda - good idea

Monster - This little beyotch is even smaller than a lot of cats. I keep tying Meaty Bones to her tail trying to entice the Lab to eat her but it hasn't work asof yet.

Tug - Shit-Zoo - ha ha and bless you

Dyck - *twirling a lock of hair around my finger and batting my eyelashes* Thankyousomuch...

Gaz - The image brings a smile to my face and a chuckle to my lips...

Not a Granny said...

Okay, next time post a warning, I almost lost my wine through my nose all over the lap top.

Gotta love the Shih Tzu's...want me to teach her how to use stairs to get onto your bed at night? (with evil laughter)

ADW said...

Not a Granny - I will hunt you down, tie you up and let the Shih Tzu ShitonYou!!! I got vomitus just thinking about it. You are sick and twisted. I think it may be love.

BottleBlonde said...

This story had me cracking up (to put it lightly)!

Dropkick the little fucker.

Kidding, of course. I don't fuck with PETA.

Meemo said...

As much as I love those little bastards, the image of little doggie paws dangling, just cracked me up.

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