....and your little dog too!!!

My mother-in-law's nasty ass Shih Tzu almost bought the farm today. I haven't laughed like that since the Chili Cook Off Joke.

Background story anyone?

My in-laws and I have a semi-decent relationship. By that I mean that they barely tolerate me and I refrain from murdering them in their sleep - works for everyone with the added bonus that I don't go to jail. So imagine my surprise when I volunteered to dog sit for them while they are on vacation. Not too bad... yet. What you all are not realizing is that in my home we have a small zoo: two dogs, a cat and a rabbit. We did have two toads, but the cat gave one of them a heart attack and ate the other one, so yay for the cat. On top of that this isn't your normal every day vacation. They are going to be gone for a full month and we get another forty-seven pounds of dog hair to clean up on a daily basis, in addition to our own dogs' sixteen pounds of hair. BUT, I was trying to do the right thing since they told us that they would have to kennel the dogs for a week down in North Carolina and it was going to cost them somewhere in the vicinity of $500 to do so. Altruism is dead and I figure I'll get the investment back one of these days *evil laughter follows*.

So we extended the offer to them. They hemmed and hawed (actually it was more like hee-haw, but you get it) and decided that they would graciously allow us the opportunity to experience life with four dogs in our house: a Black Lab and a Yorkie (ours) and a Golden Retriever and a Shih Tzu (theirs). It isn't that I don't like dogs, I do, but we literally have four "bitches" in our house now. The cat is going apeshit, hissing and arching his back which I have never seen him do and he now hides in our laundry room, or upstairs away from the evil clutches of Maggie the Over exuberant Golden Retriever who thinks he is her personal chew toy.

Actually the Golden isn't that bad, although she creates mounds of dog hair and smells like a homeless person's asshole after they get the winepoo from a couple of bottles of Boone's. But the Asshat Dustmop Shih Tzu, she can go straight to hell. She is pure evil in the form of what looks like a cute little furry dog. Instead she is a growling, rancid beast that is trying to drive me stark raving mad. I swear to ever loving heaven that she is out to get me. She watches me with her beady little black eyes and I can see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their evil ebony depths. I have also caught her trying to sneak up on me at random times, so to discourage this, I will sneak up on her and yell Gotcha! at the top of my lungs - this actually made her piss on my carpet but it was worth it to see her turn into a shaking, sniveling mass of whimpering fur. She growls at me as soon as I get home and try to take her out of her kennel. So now I have to throw a blanket over her head to keep her from ripping me apart limb by limb like a little land bound piranha. I fucking hate this dog!!!!

So this evening, when I got home, I immediately put the two visiting demons onto their tethers in the back yard. This way they can stay out of my way and out from under my feet - I kick first and ask questions later. After dinner, I was out in my garage and my husband peeks his head out the door and says to me: "my mother almost came back to a dead dog." Almost? Almost? I've been trying my best to knock her off for the last couple of days, so what the fuck? Apparently the little spawn of Satan had managed to tangle herself up in SuperDiva's soccer net, not once or twice, but five times. She got the loops in the netting wrapped around her evil little puppy neck and was actually hanging from it, doggy feet flailing about.

Obviously Mr. ADW untangled the wretch from a disaster of her own making and came out to tell me what happened posthaste. As soon as I found out she didn't die, I started giggling. The giggles erupted into all out cackling as soon as I visualized the little fucking princess thrashing about and gasping for breath. That outta teach you for trying to turn my arm into a meaty bone treat. Karma's a bitch and she isn't limited to us humans anymore. Suck on that one you little hellspawn, I put a little extra something in your kibble tonight. Heeeee heeeee heeeee.