Thursday, July 26, 2007

Miss Kitty, Don't Read This.

For the longest time, I thought that I would be a student for life. It's the one thing that I am really good at. In high school, I graduated with a 4.0 and was an excellent student despite having a horrible home life and working two jobs - one of them in a bar. In fact, a lot of my classmates thought that I was one of those Miss Goody-Two-Shoes asslicking suckups. For a while they were correct. That was until my Junior year and I discovered partying and tanning and contact lenses and boys and bad behavior. Still, most people would look at me and see the straight A student, not the girl who liked to come to her first period class - I was a High School Office Aide (fucking dorks) - baked out of her brain. I would literally light one up before school and then pass out on the first available desk with my head down while telling the secretary that I had massive cramps. To this day I am sure that the good old folks at my high school thought I was gushing 75% of the time.

I also had my own office, sort of. One of my friends and I were Student Council president and vice-president and it was our responsibility to do the Muscular Dystrophy Drive our Senior Year culminating in a Spring Fling dance. We were constantly "working" on the project. What we were really doing was leaving school and going to the mall or out to eat or smoking a fatty. I mean really, what were we thinking? If we would have gotten caught, we both would have been beaten to within an inch of our lives. For those infractions, I am sure I would have been sent to the hospital. Anyway, my point is that even when I was sneaking out and partying and being a regular fuck-up, I could still pull down really good grades.

When I finally shed myself of the useless void that was my ex-husband, I went back to college to get my degree. I worked two and three jobs at a time, while taking care of my small child and having an elderly grandmother who lived with me - she did help out a lot and I was very lucky in that regard. But I still worked my ass off - literally - as a waitress, bartender, Levi's rep, Labatt Blue girl, Accounting intern and a bunch of other jobs while taking a FULL work load at school. On that sunny day when I graduated (no I didn't actually go - I think I got drunk instead), I did so with a 3.9 GPA and a total of three B's on my student record. That's right bitches, I had almost perfect grades throughout college and I'm proud of it. I would still like to go back to school, but with work and family it looks like that will be taking a back seat for a few years.

Why am I wasting your precious time with this unbelievably boring information about myself? Well I actually do have a point. My husband is now in school. His schooling is paid for by the giant corporation that he works for. In fact, at any time over the last ten years, he could have taken classes at no cost to himself, but did he? Why no, he did not. He was perfectly content in the job he had and instead chose to race cars and motorcycles and chase some truly nasty ass - I've seen the pictures and all I have to say is he really should worship me more than he does. But now, the environment that he works in is changing and he needs to change jobs. While he is already in a transition program, it would really help if he had a degree, so he is going back to school for it. And he is bitching and moaning the whole fucking time about the stress and pressure and papers and exams and his work load. Is he taking 2 or 3 classes a semester, you ask? Why no, he takes exactly one class per semester, no more, no less.

So I have this to say to him:


Actually, I have been helping him out with his classes since he is all old and decrepit and can't remember back to when he was in high school and I can't stand around and watch while someone gets less than an A - it offends me. His first class last fall was American History. I wrote all of his papers. We got an A. His class this past Spring was Accounting - I interned in one of my accounting professor's offices. Needless to say, we got an A in that class as well. Now he is taking a computer class that he has 5 weeks to finish, some kind of crazy accelerated learning program. I told him he was out of his fucking mind and that I had enough to do and that since he works in technology, he would be a complete assjack to not get an A in the class. Turns out there is a paper. For the class. Due tomorrow. Fuck meeeee. So I did what I am second best at - negotiating. He has to clean our entire house from top to bottom, including bathrooms, plus give me two 1 hour long full body massages without trying to hump me and I will write his paper.

So it is finished. He now has a beautifully written, eight page paper, complete with outline, cover page and nine cited references in the MLA format. I do not have a spotless house. Yet. I do not have all of the muscles in my body singing out in joy after being rubbed and squeezed and karate chopped. But I will. Oh, but I will.

And if Miss Kitty of Educated and Poor stops by and sees this, I am telling her some crazy hacker, whacked out on coke or Lindsey Lohan, got into my blog and framed me and is now blackmailing me for money to use to buy blow or crack or meth or whatever. But in the meantime, I am reveling in all of my literary glory. Altruism is dead and in it's place is what really makes the world go round - capitalism and a conniving mind.

Oh and did I mention that I really only needed to get 13 out of 50 points on the paper for the hubs to get an A in the class, but I followed the syllabus to the letter and produced the best paper a computer teacher will ever see. Boooooo-yahhhhhhhh!

I just re-read this post and I am the worlds largest dork.

But then I looked at my shoe pictures and I do have some sexy shoes. The person filling them out? Not bad either.


Anonymous said...

wow... i am really not that motivated AT ALL! I lost that gene somewhere. I could get an A but I am really very uninterested.

Mim said...

I'm the same as Kelly. I never tried. If I tried I would have made straight A's. Instead I would wait mere hours before the assignment was due, pull something out of my ass and get a B. My friends hated it that I could pull something out of my ass and get better grades than they could. They, that spent days, even weeks on these assignments.
On a lighter note, b/c even writing this, I can sense your anger boiling over at my laziness...Fiance and I went to Hooters last night and they now have a FULL BAR. I'm in heaven.

fatwonkkid said...

sounds like you are vicariously living a student's life through your hubby?

wtf kinda computer class has you write a paper? wouldn't he be writing code or some doing some technical project?

Avitable said...

You got Bs?

Sigh. And here I was liking you more and more. I thought you were smart and funny and snarky and hot, just like me.

But Bs?

Tug said...

So are you for hire? Maybe I'LL go back to school. I could totally do the massages with NO attempt at sex - I'm sure you're hot & all, but ya' know...

Jenny! said...

Same deal here...I pulled fucking perfect grades, but screwed around like you would not believe! I kind of like writing papers...they always rocked and I didn't even put all 100% of effort in!

After all that nasty ass chasing he should be licking your shoes?

themuttprincess said...

I have somehow lost the drive for A's in my old age, but I know what you are talking about. The "nothing less than an A counts"... So been there. And written my papers, and other peoples. Not anymore.

Miss Kitty said...

Well, ya gotta make sacrifices sometimes, ADW. :-P I'll let you slide.

I, too, don't get why his teacher would have him write a paper for a computer class. Most f those classes have you working on some difficult-ass project all semester long as your big grade. Hmmm.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

School is for chumps. I dropped out of third grade, and just look at me! I have a blog, and I am worshipped and adored by millions of beautiful women. What more do you need??

Dan said...

I just re-read this post and I am the worlds largest dork.

No you're not! But you're freaking hilarious!

Legaleagle said...

I think my drive to make the As come from my competitive streak. The necessity to be the best is why I had three jobs, a full class schedule, partied every night and still made the deans list. Ahhh, college....

metalmom said...

I'd love to go back to school but the thought of having to write a paper makes my eyeballs want to fall out. Smoking a fatty before school....mmm....memories...of what? ..I can't remember...

ADW said...

Kelly - yeah, I am an overobsessive freak

Mim - I NEVER Study

Fatwonkid - I don't know some class he was required to take

Avi - even the great ones fall now and then An I am funny and snarky and hot damnit!

Tug - good to know you don't want to just use me for my body

Jenny! - YOU are obsessed with licking my shoes. I am down with that (=

Mutt - I wouldn't be doing it for anyone but my hubby - I just want him to do well...

Miss Kitty - thanks for the despensation.

Dyck - What more do YOU need? One answer: Poon.

Dan - thanks for stopping by. I think I am hilarious as well.

Eagle - see, you were right, we are long lost kinfolk (=

Metalmom - ha ha ha

Jenny! said...

They are some fine shoes!

Scary Monster said...

A, B, C what the hell as long as Me in the top three.
Hubby might find cleaning the entire house a little taxing, so me will come by to apply the massages, but me can't promise anything about being a good boy. It's the Monster in me that wants to put the monster in you.


Glamourpuss said...

If you're husband doesn't erect a shrine to you and your shoes immediately, I am flying over to smack him over the head with my dancing pole. Warn him.