Monday, July 9, 2007

Going Low

Today is super shitty. I am depressed and saddened and miserably unhappy. I think I need help. Gone is the witty, pithy gal who will dance and be merry for you and in her place is this lump of inhumanity who just wants to shut it down for a while. I don't know why I am the way I am, but if this shit keeps going, I don't know how much more I can handle.

So what do I have to be grateful for:
1. A man who does really love me - I think
2. 2 great kids - I know
3. A good job
4. A fantastic home
5. Probably some other shit

What am I doing:
Fucking it all up because I don't know how to be happy....

I am drinking more and more often and doing stupid shit like not coming home until 2 in the morning and hurting my family. And I am not talking the normal have a few pops at the bar drinking. I am talking about getting black out shit faced drunk and acting like a lunatic and then going home at some point in the evening. I can't seem to deal with either my past or my present and I get in these "moods" where I decide to drink it away. I am not kidding around about the drinking either. We're talking a 5'6" 126 pound woman drinking about a half a bottle of Captain Morgan's with a bottle of wine and shots added in for good measure.

I know that what I am doing is wrong. I am not a total moron, although I have really been acting like one lately. I go through these phases where I try to be the person I should be, the do-it-all wife and mother, but I can't seem to keep at it and then I fall - HARD. I honestly believe that I cannot deal with my life going well and subconsciously, I try to sabotage myself because the only way I know how to fully function is in misery. I DO NOT feel sorry for myself, because I am an adult and responsible for my own actions, but I am at the end of my rope. I just can't keep hurting the people who love and care about me.

Why am I acting this way:
Do I really need a reason? I honestly don't know how to be anything but superficially happy. Deep down inside of me there is an emptiness that I have never been able to fill. I've tried booze and drugs and sex and all kinds of other tripe, but when it comes down to it, nothing fills that hole for me. Everything I try just ends up leaving me with regrets and every time I do something stupid or fuck up in some way, the hole gets a little bit deeper and a little bit wider.

So how do I get out of this. Counseling? I've thought about it, but I don't like talking to the people I know, much less some total stranger that I have to pay for the privilege. Medication? That's another option, but I would have to see some type of doctor first and then we are back to the talking thing.

I think that my best option is to have a new start. I have begged and pleaded with Mr. ADW to consider moving to Georgia to be closer to my family (dad and mom(step)). My closest family member lives 360 miles away and while I am grateful for my friends, I really have no one around. I am the girl that was always friends with everyone, but never really had that one true blue, be there whenever friend. And I miss my family. Since I became an adult and had a chance to have a relationship with them, they have been wonderful, but I missed out on the whole growing up with them part and would like to be around them more often.

It's funny to me because everyone always thinks that I have such a great life, and I kind of do. What they don't see is the girl who used to get beat growing up, or the one who had an uncle try to molest her, or the one who was called names and made fun of by peers and parents alike, or the one who is dealing with a second cancer scare... And while my husband is great and wonderful, he would rather ignore all of that shit and pretend like it isn't happening, which makes my behavior even worse. I almost feel like I am saying, "please look at me. Do you see me for what I really am? Help me deal with this or cut me loose because I can't deal with this much longer."

Anyway, that is all of have. This rambling mess of a post. I think I just needed to get it all out. Plus it was time for you to see the other side of me. I am dark and scary and scarred and a complete fucked up mess. Not such a funny party girl anymore am I? )=



Mim said...

I'm struggling with what to write here since we're only cyberspace friends and I'm not sure how you'd react to my empathy for your situation.

I can tell you this, medication only works if you want it to. I was on Zoloft for about 6 months and I fought it for 3 of them. Once I felt like getting better is when the medication started having an effect.

Know that I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Feel better :)

Anonymous said...

Wow this is the first time I have read you and wow. If I may make a suggestion. Go to an AA meeting. There are alot of people JUST like yourself there. SAre they alcoholics? Who cares. They find what they need. They get that hole filled. They get their life back. They also get out of it what they puit in. Alcohol is a depressant. It sounds like you have started in the downward spiral. You feel like shit so you pour a depressant down your throat. Then your are more depressed. The only way to get relief is more depressant. Now how do you feel?? Get my drift? You may be having a small problem with alcohol. You are usually the last one to know. If you don't think so ask the people around you. If they can be truthful you may have a start on saving your life.

Greg t

Paulette Foley said...

I read your blog daily...I can relate to some of what you say. Because of childhood, I have never felt that I deserved anything good in life, not that I haven't wanted it...had some underlying belief that I deserve nothing but misery. I haven't turned to alcohol, but married an asshole (and divorced him) but because we have a (wonderful) son...he is a constant horrific presence in my life. He is now dragging my son through his own misery and I can't do much but sit back and think about how I not only screw up my own life, but now my son's too.
However, my salvation is my faith. I'm not a Bible thumper...I promise, but God really can help. I believe He allows us to go through things so that we can in some way help others. I know He fills that hole for me like nothing ever has.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I can relate to some of which you wrote about.

The only advice I can offer is that I recently went on anti-depressants and started seeing a shrink (two things, btw, I grew up thinking were total bullshit and for wussies). But both have done me lots of good in trying to sort out my issues. Sometimes you just need a smart, third party to talk to who can help you realize what you need.

themuttprincess said...

Well..... Not everyday is sunshine and rainbows.. Well actually, most are not even close.... We all have dark days and are dark people sometimes.... I think everyone has struggled to just be. (or rather I know I have....)

For what it is worth, I would try to fix whatever it is that is wrong. You have kids and they deserve their mom to be there for them.

Phil said...

Welou, since you are a Worm Wrangler as I am lets talk for a minute. You can attack depression on a number of different fronts. First talking about what you are feeling to someone you trust. Then looking at the behaviors that you feel are destructive and deciding what positive behaviors you can replace them with. And then being honest with yourself and not expecting that you are going to be happy everyday of your life. No one is. No amount of moving, self-medicating, sleeping, or anything is going to help you until you face what your demons are and deal with them. Professional therapy along with Dr. supervised medications will help as long as you tell your demons that you kow where they live, and that they need to start taking care of themselves instead of scaring the shit out of you.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't despair, my dear. I have something to fill that hole of yours. ;)

Tom Cruise says antidepressants are wrong. And he's a movie star, so he must know what he's talking about.

ADW said...

Mim - Thank you for the kind words and the good advice

Greg - thank you as well, although I think I need a professional and not AA, but I may need AA if I don't see a professional - you know what I mean?

Paulette - thank you for visiting and leaving your kind comment. I was and still am a practicing Christian, although not a very good one and that is probably one of the few things that has kept me around til now.

Cherry - I heart you, I really do.

Mutt - Thank you for your honesty and I do realize that every day isn't perfect, I would just like to get through a week without feeling.... any of the things I am now. I plan on getting help with my problems.

Phil - thank you as well, appreciated...

Dyck - it worked, you got the first smile out of me today - my monkey lover (=

Anonymous said...

I am doing the exact same thing right now. Wonderful husband who doesn't drink, great stepson, good job, and I feel very dark inside, and have been drinking a ton, and completely blacked out this weekend. . . on purpose so that I wouldn't have to deal with all the stupid things I do when I drink. . . I guess. It sucks and I feel guilty about it, until it fades away and then I start the cycle again. . .

ADW said...

Anonymous - I can't offer you any advice as I don't think it would be fit for me to do so considering, but I am trying to get help and I hope you do the same. I don't drink a lot, maybe once every few weeks, but lately I haven't been able to stop on certain occassions and find that I WANT to be oblivious to the pain.... I hope that you can reach out to someone for help.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

ADW: I don't like what I'm hearing here. Get the therapy, and talk to your husband. You can't give him shit by not saying anything about your reaching-out behavior. If you want to reach out, do it directly, with words.

Remember, nobody is REALLY happy. We just get through the day as best we can. Also, true happiness is not at the bottom of a bottle of captain, although I've tried that method many times.

Kim Ayres said...

You're self-medicating to numb the pain, but you're not dealing with the root causes of the pain, so it will always be there when the medication (alcohol, drugs, sex etc) wears off.

By medicating to stop the pain you feel increased self loathing which increases the pain and so you increase the medication - it's a vicious cycle.

Moving away will not solve anything as the problems are within you. You will take them with you. Moving just becomes another form of temporary medication

You can't do this on your own - time for some help and support. Go see a counsellor - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You say you don't like the idea of talking to a total stranger, but I'm sure you like hurting your loved ones even less.

Someone very close to me tried to suicide last week. And in the godawful place he's in, he could not see the devestation it would have caused all his closest loved ones had he succeded. He thought he was doing them a favour by getting out of their lives. Of course his closest's would never have recovered fully from such a devestating act.

Get the help, ADW. Don't try and manage this on your own. You've tried and it hasn't worked.

They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, yet somehow expect the results to be different.

Time for a change. Time to get help and move forward.

You have my email if you would like to talk/write/offload some more.

Glamourpuss said...

Pet, we love you whatever shape you're in.

Firstly, I think the planets must be doing something werid this summer because everyone seems to be crashing and burning.

Secondly, you are far more self-aware than you let yourself believe. And you are tired of managing how you feel by drinking. So you're right, it's time for a change. Personally, I wouldn't advocate medication, but I would advocate therapy of some kind - it doesn't have to be psychotherapy or psychoanalysis, maybe cognitive behavioural would work for you...

Finally, I don't know if we ever truly escape the damage caused during childhood. Maybe we just need to come to a point of acceptance and peace, and hopefully forgiveness, where we can live with what was done to us. I'm still trying to get there.

Feel free to email me - I'm here for you.


Avitable said...

I think that sometimes you need to get the wildness out of your system so that you can go back and appreciate what you have. I know someone else who actually went through that exact same thing (it sounds eerily familiar) and after a couple of weeks, felt newly re-committed to her family.

Miss Britt said...

I could have written this post almost word for word four months ago.

The feeling ignored. The wreckless behavior. The guilt because it sure LOOKS like you have the greatest life in the world. The wondering "why in the FUCK can't I just be happy?!?!"

I worked through it - but not without some collaterol damage along the way.

And my move to Florida actually has a LOT to do with that "breakdown".

Shoot me an email any time - sometimes it just helps to know someone else is having or has had the same "terrible" thoughts you have.

britt at miss-britt dot com

Anonymous said...

I love you anyway?

Okay, so a warm fuzzie through these here intarwebbies doesn't help.

My whole childhood was shit (alcoholics, family battles, incest, on and on) and it took me years to figure out exactly what you've already nailed: The reckless behavior and self-destructive patterns will be there, no matter how you dress 'em up with a loving family and a nice house, until you get to the root of the problem. It's like pulling an abscessed tooth - hurts like a bitch, but once you do it you realize the constant ache that was there before, only by its absence afterward.

Hate to see you implode, girlie. Reach out.

Legaleagle said...

It breaks my heart that you're finding yourself in a rough place. (BTW, I've tried three times to post a comment to this and my comment keeps disappearing!). I hope you are able to find a semblance of peace in the near future. In the meantime, if you need to vent, please feel free to IM or e-mail me.

Take Care,
The Legal Eagle

Anonymous said...

today is the first day i have read you. as i went through this post i noticed some things. im no doctor, but i have been where you are. i was molested by a family friend. my grandmother tried to kill my mother and i when i was a child. i spent numerous hours as a guinea pig in hospital's research programs to try and control my (at the time) rare birth defect. but you know what? im alive. most people think im a fairly decent person, and i just look at it and say, f**k it. if i hadnt gone through all of that, i would never be who i am. i dont drink, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs. im a musician. all my thoughts, pains, come out in my music. if im hurting really bad, i get tattooed. and the art is my way of wearing my soul on my skin. my last tattoo was a broken hour hourglass. it has ribbon wrapped around it and it says "determination" and then "deterioration". as in if i dont fight all the pain i wake up in everymorning thanks to the meds that have been shot up in me, if i dont fight my stubborn brain, if i dont fight the urge to lay down. im done. the broken hour glass is to signify that time is up. its now or never. the last place i find solace is at the gym. i workout 7 days a week. i push myself to the limits every day. i make myself so busy, and drown myself so much into surviving and trying to be what i can be for as long as i can be, that i sometimes forget that im hurting, or depressed. i woke up about a month ago. my body gave out. its part of the baggage that comes with my birth defect. its the fourth time my body jsut gave out. i went to the ER. i had so little strength it took me 30 minutes to get from the third floor of my place, to the car out front. i couldnt keep my eyes open. my temp skyrocketted to 103.9, my heart rate jumped to 110 (while sitting still) and my BP dropped. i was as gray as a corpes. now look. this is defintiely NOT about trying to get sympathy. im saying, everyone has their shit. you love your husband, you love your kids. maybe knowing others, like myself, or people who have commented to this post, are around everyday fighting. maybe (and hopefully) you will find the strength to fight with us. you are NOT alone. plenty of people struggle everyday. i myself am going through my own questions about my future. BUT it doesnt stop me from waking up everyday. it doesnt keep me from facing the fact that when i put my feet down and try to stand up in the morning..its gonna hurt. no way around it. but i still stand up. why? becuase id rather die on my feet trying to fight, then on my knees crying. i hope you find your own way. maybe knowing others are struggling will help you, maybe sucking up your pride and talking to someone will help you (it helped me, and im way stubborn, but i gave in and spoke to a therapist). maybe someone else's comment woke you up. whatever it is, for you. it seems like drinking is your escape. and frankly, thats the last thing you need. you cant fill the emptiness in your soul/heart with booze. its evaporates DUH!!. besides, ive been around drinkers, and ahve come close to drowning away my sorrows, but i resist it. because all it does is let my troubles get one more extra hit in, one more free knock down. its stupid cheesey, but this is a good piece of advice, courtesy of rocky balboa. "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

hope you find your way. its never an easy path, but its always worth while when you push through to the otherside. hope you fill that hole, and open your eyes wider to what you have. im sure that will more than make it overflow.

take care, and breath in whats all around you. your husband, your kids. your family is your family no matter how far away. they are with you everyday. nothing can break that tie.

smile adw,

Dave said...

I'm totally unqualified to opine on any of this. However, I can tell from your blog you're a smart woman and it sounds like getting married at 18 and having a kid might have had something to do with it. In other words, a desire to sow some wild oats and missing out on that party animal component most of us go through in our 20's. Maybe it might help to drag your hubby out on your nights out and make it a special night of fun for you without the kids.You'd probably drink less and get more out of it. It certainly beats drugs and AA meetings!

Open Grove Claudia said...

It sounds like you're lonely. Alcohol and drugs can often be our best, and deadliest, friends.

You know, deep inside, what you need to do. What would give you the courage to just do it?

Tug said...

I haven't commented on this yet 'cause I've been trying to keep my own head above water & really don't know what to say to hep...but just know I'm sending many many ((hugs)), good thoughts & prayers. And although it's not much, I'm here. Just say the word...