Thursday, August 2, 2007

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

She's off. Gone. She won't be back for a week. She will have the time of her life with grandma and grandpa at Disney World, home of her childhood heroes and wonderful rides and imaginary fantasies. I couldn't help but get a little weepy when I sent my little girl, 10 years old and not so little anymore, off by herself on a big bad airplane for the first time. Well she's flown before, but not without me there by her side. She told me that she had butterflies in her tummy, but she was really excited. Then she asked me for ice cream. At seven thirty in the morning.

Yes, SuperDiva is off for a one-week vacation with my parents. She flew into Orlando today and is staying with them at Disney World for two days. Then it's back to Georgia for a couple of days followed by a quick trip to North Carolina where they will stop and pick up one of my sisters. After that they will head on over to Virginia Beach to visit my sister Tree and her husband. Then they head back to Ohio for a week long visit with us. This is a memory that she will have for the rest of her life and while I wouldn't deny her this chance, I still find myself missing her already.

OK, enough mommy blogging for now - blech. Let's talk about something so insidious and spiteful that everyone has probably experienced it at least once: the asshole airline worker. Oh yeah. If you have never flown, then you probably don't understand what I am talking about, so go here.

M'kay back now? Fun's over.

I swear to ever loving heaven that there are more and more of these folks flying the friendly skies these days. Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful people who work in the airline industry, helpful and courteous and nice. But. But. BUT!!!! They tend to be overshadowed by the supreme douchiness that I call the Asshole Airworker. These folks hate you. They would rather trip you, kick you in the neck and grind their heel into your bleeding body than give you the time of day. They act like any question put to them is some kind of derogatory remark. What the fuck is up with that shit? Seriously. You work in the SERVICE industry. You are required to be around people ALL DAY LONG. Answering their questions and dispensing advice on how to traverse the slippery path of air travel is what you are being paid to do. What does the Orange terror alert mean? Why can't I bring my eyelash curler in my carry-on? When, if ever, do you remove that double ended dildo from deep inside your rectum? Is it OK to masturbate while in flight as long as I have a handkerchief over my lap? Where does my shit go when I flush the trailer toilet you crammed into a closet on this big lumbering bus with wings? I could go on and on, but why do you glare at me so? I am just curious. Asking normal everyday questions that will let me know what actions are and are not appropriate while on your flight so I don't piss you off and embarrass myself in the process.

I do not understand what the cranky, I'm a supercunt attitude does for you? Do you not understand that people hate dealing with you because they automatically assume that you are going to be SuperAsshole #1 and treat them like they are complete idiots when all they want to know is how to get on a connecting flight? A little bit of patience and a smile is all I ask of you. Especially for the mother of a ten-year-old daughter flying off to Florida by herself for the first time....alone. We paid an extra fifty dollars for the ticket, just so I could get past the security gates and see her off myself. A little sympathy wouldn't be lost on me. Just because I was sobbing hysterically as she boarded the plane, yelling "don't let that plane take off" is no reason to be nasty to me.

So... I hope I see you on the street someday. Yeah, you know who you are. I have your face burned into my memory and I will recognize you no matter how you disguise yourself. You can be nasty to me all you want, but I draw the line at snapping at my child. Fuck you, you oversized cock receptacle and the orthopedic shoes you waddled in on. It's not my fault that life has beaten you down so badly that you hate everyone in it. When I see you, you better start praying, because only God Almighty will keep me from fucking you up.

I'm Done.

16 comments:

BBS said...

I am fucking who ever that was that did that to Super Diva. I love her and you and that is totally unacceptable. I will help you kick their ass ADW. With pleasure.
Love Momma Bear.
bbs.

BBS again said...

I meant that I am fucking UP who ever did that to her. Sorry if it was unclear.

DangerDoll said...

People who are mean to children should die fiery, horrible deaths, where their skin melts off and their body hair singes and smells and the soles of their feet are crusty with ash from being forced to stand in a bed of hot coals while grimacing painfully and repeating "Have a pleasant day!" until their tongue swells and the only way to soothe their consuming physical pain is for them to sit in a vat of their own blood.

Um...what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. SuperDiva. The deprogramming when she gets home is gonna be a bitch.

Mim said...

I remember when I took my first plane trip alone. I was snapped at by everyone. It's rude and hello, I'm a child could you have a little sympathy? They treat you like you've done something wrong when all you want to do is get to grandma's house.

In fact people still treat me like that. I think when I fly up to NYC in a couple of weeks, if someone is bitchy to me I'm just going to be bitchy right on back! And then proceed to get wasted!

Avitable said...

Well, now that she'll have fun at Disney, she'll want to come back. Then you can come with her and we can hang out!

Jenny! said...

Dear lord...I am glad I don't work for Asshole Airways!

Tug said...

I think it should be legal to shoot asshats that are rude to kids. Do I have your vote?

Enjoy the time...she'll be back driving you nuts soon enough - LOL.

Open Grove Claudia said...

wow! That was a little frightening. I went to check my resume to see if I had ever worked for the airline industry - you know, in case I forgot that one job I had in the middle of the night or whatever. Gratefully, never worked there.

I'd hate it if you were that mad at me!

themuttprincess said...

I am sooooo a mama bear. I have your back ADW!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Can you blame the terrorists for wanting to hijack our planes? They're probably just pissed because they didn't get any complimentary peanuts.

Variant E said...

And its not just the airline industry that has assholes in service jobs. But having spent 72 hours in airports and airplanes over the last month (I'm not kidding) I will agree with you that the airlines are at the top of the list for me...

fatwonkkid said...

isn't there a reality show based on some airline. i can't imagine that does too good for their image when the airline workers get all cunty.

BottleBlonde said...

Fuck you, you oversized cock receptacle and the orthopedic shoes you waddled in on.

HAaaaaahhaha!!! Hilarious!

Your poor daughter! Why are people (airline workers, in this case) such bastards to innocent kids? Sexually oppressed twats.

Meemo said...

When I was a kid, I flew on my own a few times and had a blast everytime. But now as a mother, I can't imagine letting my kids go like that. I'm sure you'll survive, and enjoy kid free time. It's not often that we get that.

I work with the airline industry, not for an actual airline. I really think they have a crappy job. But that's never an excuse to be all cunty.

ADW said...

All - thanks for the comments - sorry I wasn't able to respond to each one like I normally do.

Glamourpuss said...

I think they have a remit to make the whole air travel experience as unpleasant as possible - possibly to discourage us and reduce our carbon footprint. They are bitter because this will ultimately result in them being unemployed.

Possibly.

Puss