Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I eat like a goldfish. You know that thing where they will gorge themselves on the rainbow colored paper you feed them until they explode. That's what I do when I like something. It's usually fruit or soup that does it to me.

Last night it was the soup. Or more specifically, the scrumdiddlyumptious chicken and rice soup that I created from scratch. Hmmmm, ahemmmm, ahemmmm!!!! Do I have your attention now or do you need to reread the first few sentences? From scratch people. Yeah, that's right: I cook. I am a motherfucking mastermind in the kitchen. A culinary goddess, the likes of which have not been seen since Mrs. June Cleaver. I bake, I broil, I saute, I mash and I fry. And a lot of the meals I make are from scratch when I can take the time to make them. My cooking is stick-to-your-ribs yumminess that I learned from my grandmother AND I quite often cook without using measuring utensils.

Bow down to the Kitchen Bitch and worship my whisks and ladles.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the bellyache. Well I got that wild hair up my ass yesterday and after I dug around and extracted it, I decided that I would make dinner that evening. But not just any dinner, I had a hankering for some soup. Well that plus the whole chicken I had sitting in the friggie. So I put Miss Cluckers in the big soup kettle and let her simmer for most of the afternoon. Then after some dicing and slicing, some tossing in of random ingredients and spices, I had homemade chicken and rice soup for dinner. I inhaled two GIGANTIC bowls of it complete with extra Cajun spices since I like mine with some legs - the better to kick you with my dear.

Not too long after that there was a deep and distant rumbling. Not unlike what you would hear before a big thunderstorm. When my bowels started tying themselves into knots, I realized that the noises were being made inside of my body. Uh-oh, not good. Of course, I tried to ride it out but no dice. This is what the end result is after chicken and rice soup passes through the digestive tract:

So basically, I shit out a giant rice cake. It hurt. If the new thing is vaginal rejuvenation, surely the anal version isn't too far behind. I'll have to ask ManHo Cho about that one......


Dyck!! said...

Next time make beef stew instead. It looks the same coming out as it does going in.

Glamourpuss said...

I think anal rejuvenation is already available to the select few; you can have it whitened and tightened, I believe. But probably not outside of LA.

Don't ask me how I know this.


Mim said...

At the beginning of this post I was going to ask when I can come over for dinner. By the end of the post I said...nevermind! :)

The fabulous thing about my wedding is the nifty appliances I receive every day. Including 2 food processors. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the first one. All I know is that my wedding invitees appear to think I can cook.

Miss Britt said...

You at two bowls of soup? And you think that's a LOT?!?!?!

Seriously, hating you right now.

It's Me... Maven said...

I thought the anal version was sphincter bleaching?

PS: I know about this, thanks to Dr. 90210:)

And as far as vaginal rejuvenation, you can always do what mah daddy suggested, an "Alum and honey douche: for tighter fittin' and sweeter lickin'. Yee hawh."

fatwonkkid said...

If I go to a buffet and can easily walk out on my own two feet without any assistance I consider that a failure and I have not done a good enough job eating.

Julie_Gong said...

I didn't think it was possible to shit out an entire stack of rice cakes. Good job on that...

Open Grove Claudia said...

So I, of course, looked up vaginal rejuvenation - what? Plastic surgery for the vagina??

So there's a laser institute in LA with two leaching looking docs on the website. Would you really do that???

Do people not know that you can lift weights and get the same results? I swear I'll make a million dollars someday with my vaginal weight training.

Variant E said...

I always wondered where rice cakes came from!

Jenny! said...

Dyck just made me a bit sick in my mouth from that comment!

Rice is supposed to be binding...what you eat when you want to stop shittin!

I dont know that anal rejuv is possible...once that o ring cant fix that shit!

Can I come ot your house for dinner sometime!

Dana said...

holy crap that is gross..

Crunchy BC said...

"Chicken Soup for the Hole"?

(Ugh. Now I hate myself.)

karla said...

Okay, now I have to stop eating soup forever. Thanks for ruining soup for me.

ADW said...

Dyck!! - Poon

Puss - At least I now know I have options.

Mim - you can still come over for dinner. I have two fod processors as well and rarely use them. I prefer to work magic with my Santoku Blade.

Britt - It wasn't your normal soup. It was very dense.

..OK that just sounded stupid.

Maven - I know you can bleac it, why do you think there is a Clorox shortage these days?

Fatwonkid - I think it's kinda like drinking alone - if you eat like a hog at a buffet, you're with friends. Even if you don't know anyone there.

Julie - I like to laud my achievments far and wide.

Claudia - Vaginal weight training? Now I am picturing some remote African ceremony where they increase the size of the disks that go in the "lips"....

The above statement even grossed me out.

Vehow - I always said they tasted like shit. Guess I was right.

Jenny! - Dyck always makes me sick if it's in my mouth.

Dana - thanks and thanks for stopping by.

Crunchy - Tee hee. I giggled out loud at that one.

Karla - It will help you lose all of that baby weight.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I like how midway through your post you brag about your cooking, and then at the end of the post you admit that your cooking was the direct cause of a gigantic, race cake-esque turd. I love your blog, but I'm not coming to any of your dinner parties.

Scary Monster said...

Oh my God!!!! I actually ate thtose for snacks today. Girl you just fucked me up.

BottleBlonde said...

HAHAHAhahqasjfduhasda! See how hard I'm laughing at your post?!

themuttprincess said...

I never doubted that you could cook. I did, however, doubt that it was humanly possible to poop a rice cake....

I stand corrected.

Jessica said...

Okay, this might be asking for too much information, but was it the texture/color that was rice cakey or the diameter? Because if it was the diameter, congratulations on the birth of your bouncing baby turd!

ADW said...

Dr. K - are you sure? I think you would have a blast at one of my dinner parties.

Scary - Hee hee. I abhor rice cakes. Blech. Now you know where they come from.

Bottle Blonde - right back at ya

Mutt - You learn something new every day.

Jessica - I only take pictures of my turds, I don't analyze them. Thanks for stopping by.