Goldfish

I eat like a goldfish. You know that thing where they will gorge themselves on the rainbow colored paper you feed them until they explode. That's what I do when I like something. It's usually fruit or soup that does it to me.

Last night it was the soup. Or more specifically, the scrumdiddlyumptious chicken and rice soup that I created from scratch. Hmmmm, ahemmmm, ahemmmm!!!! Do I have your attention now or do you need to reread the first few sentences? From scratch people. Yeah, that's right: I cook. I am a motherfucking mastermind in the kitchen. A culinary goddess, the likes of which have not been seen since Mrs. June Cleaver. I bake, I broil, I saute, I mash and I fry. And a lot of the meals I make are from scratch when I can take the time to make them. My cooking is stick-to-your-ribs yumminess that I learned from my grandmother AND I quite often cook without using measuring utensils.

Bow down to the Kitchen Bitch and worship my whisks and ladles.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the bellyache. Well I got that wild hair up my ass yesterday and after I dug around and extracted it, I decided that I would make dinner that evening. But not just any dinner, I had a hankering for some soup. Well that plus the whole chicken I had sitting in the friggie. So I put Miss Cluckers in the big soup kettle and let her simmer for most of the afternoon. Then after some dicing and slicing, some tossing in of random ingredients and spices, I had homemade chicken and rice soup for dinner. I inhaled two GIGANTIC bowls of it complete with extra Cajun spices since I like mine with some legs - the better to kick you with my dear.

Not too long after that there was a deep and distant rumbling. Not unlike what you would hear before a big thunderstorm. When my bowels started tying themselves into knots, I realized that the noises were being made inside of my body. Uh-oh, not good. Of course, I tried to ride it out but no dice. This is what the end result is after chicken and rice soup passes through the digestive tract:

So basically, I shit out a giant rice cake. It hurt. If the new thing is vaginal rejuvenation, surely the anal version isn't too far behind. I'll have to ask ManHo Cho about that one......