And She Shall Be Named The Joy

Today I was on the phone with my sister (way too early to call, Tree) and she told me that she reads my blog every so often. I didn't even know that she was aware of the existence of the Woe. Anyway, she seems to think that I have a knack for combining words into a story and while I take that as a compliment of the highest order, I am content for now to try and chug along in the same vein that I have been following for a while now. That's not to say that I wouldn't luh-uh-uhve to write some widely acclaimed New York Times Bestseller - I can see the headlines right now: ExHootersGirl the First to Use Cumguzzling Twatmonger in Commercially Successful Erotic Murder Mystery, but for now I am content to thrill my tens of readers here on my extremely successful blog (what can I say, I set the bar low).

So lately I have been having a personal issue. Let's backtrack a sec... First I need to introduce you to a member of the ADW family. She is extremely close to me and I have known her for a long time now. While we have had our ups and downs, she has always been there for me and I try to take care of her as best as I can. Sometimes she gets neglected for long periods of time, but these days I have been trying to fit 36 hours in a 24 hour day and some things get left by the wayside and The Joy is one of them. Actually, her full name is The Temple of Delight and Eternal Giver of Joy, but we just call her The Joy most of the time. The full name only gets brought out on special occasions, or when someone important needs to be treated to the haughty imperialistic side of The Joy.

The Joy is also known in hundreds of other synonyms, including but not limited to:

Whisker Biscuit

Honey Pot

Pink Taco

Vertical Bacon Sandwich

Bearded Clam

Cockpit

Hairpie

Vajayjay

Coochie

Cooter

Pooter

Poon

Poontang

Beaver

Snatch

Pussy

Cunt

Twat....

Yeah folks it's time to talk about my Vagina. At least half of the blauthors that I read regularly have devoted a post or two to either their vagina, or someone else's vagina that they would like to know better and I got a couple a things to say about mine.

First of all, she's a fucking bitch. She has caused me no small amount of trouble with her siren's song and exotic lure. I am pretty sure that she is bi-polar because one minute she's ready and raring to go and the next, she shuts down faster than a whore sniffing out a Vice cop. I have absolutely no control over the moods that permeate the rest of my body supplied by her fanatical whims. Seriously, what the fucking hell?

Second, there is always something going on with The Joy's plumbing, but those issues have been exacerbated by the fact that I had her put on permanent impregnation lockdown a few years ago. I simply cannot go through the complete horror of another pregnancy, so with a fantastic insurance plan, thoughtfully provided by Mr. ADW's company, I trotted my happy ass on over to the local hospital and had the egg chutes shut down for good.

If you have never experienced or known someone who has gone through the banding procedure for sterilization, it mother fucking sucks! Seriously. Plus I am a laugh riot when under the influences of anesthesia. Apparently I told the cutie pie doctor who gave me the happy juice that I would give him a varied and extremely imaginative amount of sexual favors - his choice of course - in exchange for his legalized drug dealing services. When I came out of the OR and started coming to, I experienced the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. It was a combination of a complete aching body, Satan's pitchfork lancing my abdomen every fifteen seconds and I was permeated with shaking that almost no amount of drugs would stop. My doctor was within minutes of having me admitted to the hospital after copious amounts of Demerol and Morhpine failed to alleviate any of my suffering. It wasn't until the third shot of morphine that the shakes that were wracking by body finally stopped. I had a rough recovery, but my doctor was kind enough to keep my supply of drugs at the "enough to get an elephant stoned" level.

Now I don't care what the so-called doctors have to say about the lack of a link between tubal ligation and having serious problems with your monthly cycle. Before the procedure I was fairly normal and you could set a calendar by my ovulation. After the operation, my entire system has been completely screwed up and The Joy is extremely displeased. Her reaction has been nothing short of astounding. She has now decided that the Curse of Eve will come whenever She is good and ready for it to happen. It may be 28 days it may be 66 days and it may be 14 days. The Curse now lasts anywhere from 4 to 32 days at a time. Don't you wish you could hemorrhage for that long? Jealous, aren't ya?

Oh and the super funnest part of the whole thing? As I now sit here and type this, I think my vagina has now moved to the outside of by body. It would probably feel a lot better if it were. I can't stand up because it hurts too badly. When I do stand, it looks like a cross between a 2 year old's pee-pee dance and the way a new tranny hooker stands to keep her dick tucked in. Quite simply, it hurts. If The Joy ain't happy, ain't NO-BODY happy. My ovaries feel like big hard duck eggs and they throb. The pressure on my taint may soon turn it into a one giant vagasshole. If one more person looks at me cross-eyed, or the inhuman Stepford Cunt from across the street even breathes in my direction, I am going to figure out how to stuff a leafblower up that person's cornhole, turn it on and dance in the sloppy aftermath.

I'm feelin' a little bitchy today in case you couldn't tell. The Curse (or raging Level 4 rapids of doom) was about 2 weeks behind schedule and I think it makes me build up extra bile that spews forth uncontrolled. I hate my Vagina and all of the crappy problems that it has blessed me with. Joy Schmoy. If I could, I would have my doctor remove all of my female apparatus tomorrow with great anticipation. I don't think that it could hurt any worse if the Incredible Hulk took his giant green fist and punched me repeatedly in my not so eager Beaver.

I can't wait to see what kind of search traffic I get from this post.

Nevertheless, I do appreciate my reader(s?), so here is a message from me to you: