Friday, August 3, 2007

And She Shall Be Named The Joy

Today I was on the phone with my sister (way too early to call, Tree) and she told me that she reads my blog every so often. I didn't even know that she was aware of the existence of the Woe. Anyway, she seems to think that I have a knack for combining words into a story and while I take that as a compliment of the highest order, I am content for now to try and chug along in the same vein that I have been following for a while now. That's not to say that I wouldn't luh-uh-uhve to write some widely acclaimed New York Times Bestseller - I can see the headlines right now: ExHootersGirl the First to Use Cumguzzling Twatmonger in Commercially Successful Erotic Murder Mystery, but for now I am content to thrill my tens of readers here on my extremely successful blog (what can I say, I set the bar low).

So lately I have been having a personal issue. Let's backtrack a sec... First I need to introduce you to a member of the ADW family. She is extremely close to me and I have known her for a long time now. While we have had our ups and downs, she has always been there for me and I try to take care of her as best as I can. Sometimes she gets neglected for long periods of time, but these days I have been trying to fit 36 hours in a 24 hour day and some things get left by the wayside and The Joy is one of them. Actually, her full name is The Temple of Delight and Eternal Giver of Joy, but we just call her The Joy most of the time. The full name only gets brought out on special occasions, or when someone important needs to be treated to the haughty imperialistic side of The Joy.

The Joy is also known in hundreds of other synonyms, including but not limited to:

Whisker Biscuit

Honey Pot

Pink Taco

Vertical Bacon Sandwich

Bearded Clam

Cockpit

Hairpie

Vajayjay

Coochie

Cooter

Pooter

Poon

Poontang

Beaver

Snatch

Pussy

Cunt

Twat....

Yeah folks it's time to talk about my Vagina. At least half of the blauthors that I read regularly have devoted a post or two to either their vagina, or someone else's vagina that they would like to know better and I got a couple a things to say about mine.

First of all, she's a fucking bitch. She has caused me no small amount of trouble with her siren's song and exotic lure. I am pretty sure that she is bi-polar because one minute she's ready and raring to go and the next, she shuts down faster than a whore sniffing out a Vice cop. I have absolutely no control over the moods that permeate the rest of my body supplied by her fanatical whims. Seriously, what the fucking hell?

Second, there is always something going on with The Joy's plumbing, but those issues have been exacerbated by the fact that I had her put on permanent impregnation lockdown a few years ago. I simply cannot go through the complete horror of another pregnancy, so with a fantastic insurance plan, thoughtfully provided by Mr. ADW's company, I trotted my happy ass on over to the local hospital and had the egg chutes shut down for good.

If you have never experienced or known someone who has gone through the banding procedure for sterilization, it mother fucking sucks! Seriously. Plus I am a laugh riot when under the influences of anesthesia. Apparently I told the cutie pie doctor who gave me the happy juice that I would give him a varied and extremely imaginative amount of sexual favors - his choice of course - in exchange for his legalized drug dealing services. When I came out of the OR and started coming to, I experienced the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. It was a combination of a complete aching body, Satan's pitchfork lancing my abdomen every fifteen seconds and I was permeated with shaking that almost no amount of drugs would stop. My doctor was within minutes of having me admitted to the hospital after copious amounts of Demerol and Morhpine failed to alleviate any of my suffering. It wasn't until the third shot of morphine that the shakes that were wracking by body finally stopped. I had a rough recovery, but my doctor was kind enough to keep my supply of drugs at the "enough to get an elephant stoned" level.

Now I don't care what the so-called doctors have to say about the lack of a link between tubal ligation and having serious problems with your monthly cycle. Before the procedure I was fairly normal and you could set a calendar by my ovulation. After the operation, my entire system has been completely screwed up and The Joy is extremely displeased. Her reaction has been nothing short of astounding. She has now decided that the Curse of Eve will come whenever She is good and ready for it to happen. It may be 28 days it may be 66 days and it may be 14 days. The Curse now lasts anywhere from 4 to 32 days at a time. Don't you wish you could hemorrhage for that long? Jealous, aren't ya?

Oh and the super funnest part of the whole thing? As I now sit here and type this, I think my vagina has now moved to the outside of by body. It would probably feel a lot better if it were. I can't stand up because it hurts too badly. When I do stand, it looks like a cross between a 2 year old's pee-pee dance and the way a new tranny hooker stands to keep her dick tucked in. Quite simply, it hurts. If The Joy ain't happy, ain't NO-BODY happy. My ovaries feel like big hard duck eggs and they throb. The pressure on my taint may soon turn it into a one giant vagasshole. If one more person looks at me cross-eyed, or the inhuman Stepford Cunt from across the street even breathes in my direction, I am going to figure out how to stuff a leafblower up that person's cornhole, turn it on and dance in the sloppy aftermath.

I'm feelin' a little bitchy today in case you couldn't tell. The Curse (or raging Level 4 rapids of doom) was about 2 weeks behind schedule and I think it makes me build up extra bile that spews forth uncontrolled. I hate my Vagina and all of the crappy problems that it has blessed me with. Joy Schmoy. If I could, I would have my doctor remove all of my female apparatus tomorrow with great anticipation. I don't think that it could hurt any worse if the Incredible Hulk took his giant green fist and punched me repeatedly in my not so eager Beaver.

I can't wait to see what kind of search traffic I get from this post.

Nevertheless, I do appreciate my reader(s?), so here is a message from me to you:










22 comments:

Mim said...

Aw we love you too even if you have to tell us in shit letters.

I'm sorry you're feeling craptacular today. You tell the Joy to suck it up.

Glamourpuss said...

Looks like your bowels are pretty special, too...

Oh, and the book you should write? A dictionary of obscenity and slang. I'd buy it.

Puss

fatwonkkid said...

just curious, but what was the problem with the little pills that come in packs of 28?

personally i have a problem with snipping or clamping "the goods"...ugh

Avitable said...

Are you saying there's something wrong with walking like a tranny who's tucking it? How's a girl supposed to earn a dime otherwise?

ADW said...

Mim - thanks, I thought the shit letters added a little something

Puss - Good idea - Title: "An Historic Compilation of Obscenity"

Fatwonkid - The BC didn't work for me... too many problems

Avi - that made me snort a little (=

Jenny! said...

Damn that sucks big fucking donkey balls! Taint is one of my favorite words...so is cumguzzling twatmonger! If you give The Joy a good punch, will that knock her out for a while...or just make things worse? At least you don't have hemroids?

metalmom said...

Oh man, that sucks SO HARD! I had my plumbing worked on and you're right - It's no picnic! I hope you and your twat find some level ground cause there's nothing worse than being mad at your best friend!

Personally- when I get my rage on, I take it out on everybody! Say or do whatever you want and just blame it on "Hairpie"

Kim Ayres said...

Seriously impressed with your handwriting. I'm not that neat pissing in the snow with a directional jet...

Tug said...

I'm right there with ya' sistah. WithOUT the surgery. dammit

BottleBlonde said...

Amen ......

I just said a prayer for your taint.

By the way, THANK YOU for warning us ladies who may have had delusions about future poon surgery.

paulette said...

I think you should write professionally...just don't know where it would be published. I know that I have already been educated by your many creative and courageous terms.:)

I had a partial hysterectomy...one of the best things that ever happened to me. No more "curse of Eve" and I can't say that I miss it a bit...of course, who really would?

You have encouraged me to write about my "hemmies"...however, I will have to start a new blog because my pastor reads the current one.

Have a great weekend!

Variant E said...

My loving ex said "why should I go through it...I went through LABOR!" and so I had a vascectomy. Twice (long story). Yeah, compared to a tube tie it is quite easy but don't ever mess with the boys twice; they do not like sequels!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

1. I have something that can help stuff that vagina back inside where it belongs.

2. I hope you realize I own the copyright on the word POON. You owe me 10 cents every time someone downloads this page.

3. You have a sister named Tree? Does that mean you're Bush??

That's all I got.

Mike said...

Hello,

We would like to do an interview with you about your blog for
www.BlogInterviewer.com . We'd like to give you the opportunity to
give us some insight on the "person behind the blog."

It would just take a few minutes of your time. The interview form can
be submitted online at http://bloginterviewer.com/submit-an-interview

Best regards,

Mike Thomas

George said...

That sounds horrible ... very funny but horrible. I have had more thann my share of surgery on the jewels but nothing like what you have gone through. Do you need it to be kissed better?

Open Grove Claudia said...

ADW, you need to get this checked. Nothing about this is normal. It's possible that it's due to the drinking, but you are too young, and too thin, to be having these symptoms. It sounds like you have fibroids or something worse. Will you get it checked so that we CAN read your novel??

DangerDoll said...

I've never, ever heard "hairpie" before. Never.

Now get up off the fucking floor.

Like Paulette, I had a partial hysterectomy. Never had a plumbing problem in my life, then the kid came (breech, vaginal, and trying to break some sort of speed record) and tried to take my damn uterus with her on the way out. So about a year later (age 32) I told the doc to take that damn thing and donate it to somebody else. Never a regret.

Hmmm...now I want to write a post and dedicate it to MY vajayjay. I aspire to be like you in all ways. 'Cept I'm a little more shy with my poop.

Scary Monster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scary Monster said...

Me had a similar operation done on Me colon. Now everythings backed up and me be talkin shit alla time.
Me be envious of yer hand, er, rectal writing.

STOMP.

Anonymous said...

wow, cunt problems....let's talk about bungholes next....oh yeah you did....a leafblower up a neighbors cornhole covered that...cool.

themuttprincess said...

I think your cunt and my cunt are best friends..... I used to have a regular cycle and then BAM! out of the blue I am bleeding off and on for 2 months straight--oh shap, i mean 3..... They gave me another IUD that is "supposed" to fix that. We will see.. Until then I will be thinking of you and your personal vaginal hell, and you can feel comforted and shit.

Kelly said...

hahahahaha! I love you too!! You are freaking fantastic!