I Have a Dream

Well folks, it's time to once again visit the internal workings of my crazy stylist's fabulous mind. I thought that when he compared himself to Jesus, anything else that ManHo Cho could say would pale in comparison. Boy was I wrong.

Yesterday, I went to get retouched and trimmed and for the next two hours hilarity ensued. These are the things that were discussed at my two hour appointment last night:

• My girlfriend KY told ManHo that if he keeps sticking his cock in her face while he's cutting her hair, the next time she's going to grab it. So now my fabulous little princess is nervous that one of his ladies is going to get a little too friendly.
• ManHo told me he would turn straight for me. He is so full of shit.
• ManHo has a theory that 80% of the LA population is bisexual. He has no solid proof to back it up.
• He decided to go through the list of large dicks in Hollywood. Collin Farrel was on the list. I am now trying to find a copy of Alexander for myself since the movie is where ManHo got his visual from. Damn, how did I miss that one?
• ManHo as taken to wearing his version of Wonder Woman's Metal Bracelets. These accessories are black leather Dolce and Gabanna wrist cuffs with an enormous silver metal D&G logo in the center.
• ManHo wears more jewelry than Liberace. Last night he had over 50K worth of diamonds on.
• One of the rings he wears came from an ex-lover. He got it from giving great head.
• ManHo is caught in a lover's quandary right now. Of course, both of the guys he likes are 19 years old. The one he is "with" is a model who splits his time between LA and Cleveland. ManHo just isn't that into him. The one he really wants is a server at the Red Lobster, but the kid is a huge pothead and keeps blowing him off - not literally, jeez. He asked me my advice. I told him that the guy sounded like he didn't have his shit together and to forget about him. He won't listen to me, I guarantee it.
• ManHo came up with a new name that took me a few minutes to decipher. Last time he told me he would make me look like Grease Silverspoon. What he meant was Reese Witherspoon. This time he said that we would go blonder like Kristia Alligator. I realized that he meant Christina Aguilara. I almost fell out of the chair. He was washing my hair at the time and when I sat up, there was water and shampoo flung all over the place.
• ManHo refers to all of his lovers as "she" and "her". I am pretty certain that the jig is up and everyone at the salon knows he is gay.
• We were making up words for vagina and I came up with Hot Dog Bun. ManHo said that it sounded like gay sex to him. Then I came up with Sausage Receptacle. That one took a ten minute explanation, since he didn't know what a receptacle was. The stylist across from him lost it at the same time. She was laughing so hard she was shaking.
• ManHo likes to call me his Diva. I am pretty sure he calls half of his clients by this nickname, but I love it anyway.
• He asked me if I wanted to see a picture of the Red Lobster ex. I reminded him that he showed me the pic the last time. Now when someone asks you if you want to see a picture of their significant other, the appropriate answer is yes. What you may not be prepared for is a full length nekkid picture of a gay guy with his giant dick staring you in the face. Holy shit was that uncomfortable.
• ManHo likes to make movies. Of his gay sex. Then he burns them to DVD. He offered me a copy. How the fuck are you supposed to respond to that one.
• I responded by gagging. Loudly. And I laughed so hard I was bent over at the waist. He started laughing too and pretty soon we were both cracking up like a bunch of loons. I declined my own personal copy of his home porno.
• While I was gagging, ManHo told me that that's the same sound he makes when a cock is too big. That made me laugh even harder. I think my face went 14 shades of red. I guess there is such a concept as too much information between you and your stylist.

This last one is a doozy. ManHo started off by saying "I have a dream...". He stopped and said "Wayare ha I hewd that one fwom"? I responded by filling him in on a little speech that was done a while ago by Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. I explained that this was one of the most famous speeches in American History and that it was the impetus (yeah, try giving the definition of that word to him) for a decades long struggle for equal rights.

You wanna know what ManHo's dream is dontcha? Actually, he also described it as a passion. Apparently ManHo thinks that the worst feeling in the whole wide world is being hungry. OK, makes sense to me and he does have a very kind and caring heart. ManHo wants to give back to the people and he wants to help those who are homeless and hungry. Can't fault him that rationale. It gets a little tricky when he goes into his "plan" to help those less fortunate. He has come up with an unconventional idea, I'll give him that. What ManHo is proposing is to make a calendar and a movie and have the proceeds benefit the hungry. M'kay, I'm still on board. Yeah, a nude calendar and a porno. Uh, rewind and review. Yeah, he said a nude calendar and a porno. Oh and he wants me and KY to participate. His thinking is that by taking women an men who would never, ever, under any circumstances make the above items and getting them to do it for free, that it would be classy and people would want to buy it. This is where I have trouble following the logic. Never mind the fact that the two things just don't go together, the people that would purchase them, aren't going to say: "gee, I could spend my hard earned money on Jenna Jameson porn and Playboy, but instead, I am going to shell out a hundred bucks for a calendar and some porn to help the homeless." After ManHo related his ideas to me, I think that I heard the fabric of the universe start to tear.

I was speechless. This is not something that occurs with any type of regularity. What do you say to something like that? I told him I would help hand out the food. Oh and he has decided that he is going to have a chef make up steaks and lobster and he will drive around poor neighborhoods and hand it out himself. Yeah, if any of you have been fortunate enough to spend time in any kind of inner city setting, I'm sure you can see the pitfalls that could befall a flamboyantly gay Asian guy driving around a big white SUV, wearing enough diamonds to feed all the homeless for a year, handing out platters of steak and seafood. But instead of bursting his bubble, and it really is a very sweet thought in his way, I offered to come up with a name for the porno.

Any ideas? Anyone?