Monday, August 13, 2007

I'm Screwed

So I am already in deep shit with the mother-in-law for the Shih Tzu Strangling.

Now I am in even hotter hot water. Is that even possible?

First we need to have a little discussion on my mom. MY mom is the best mom in the entire world. The fact that she did not give birth to me doesn't even come into account. In fact, I think that it makes her even greater (if possible) because she loves Tree and I as much as she does Bee and Vee - the two daughters she heaved out of her womb. My mom is funny and pretty and sweet. She is such a Suthun' Laydee that she speaks with the cutest little accent and wears funny hats. Plus she can't remember anything and she can laugh at herself about it.

BUT--------BUT-------- she really doesn't like animals. I think that after putting up with our beloved Mocha, she has had it. They finally had to put Mocha down a few months back and if anything, her tolerance for crap and piss and vomit has dipped to an all time low. When she found out that we were dog sitting for my husband's parents for a MONTH she about shit a brick. I believe she said "ADW, have you lost your ever loving mind? Why in the world would you WANT to take those animals?" I told her that it was either take 'em now or put up with the whining about how much it cost them to board the fuckers while they were on vacation and I - being the evil genius that I am - took the path of least resistance.

Yeah, real smart. Since last we visited the follies of the Golden Retriever and the Shih Tzu, the big dumb ass one shit on the floor outside of my bedroom. What the mother fucking hell? OUR dogs aren't even allowed to go to the upstairs part of our house. Period. There is no way that those two visiting spawns of Satan would in anyway be allowed to trot their hairy shit-stained, worm infested nasty asses into my sacred domain. But trot away she did and Mags took an elephant sized dump right in front of my bedroom door. I think if she had more than two brain cells, she would have figured out how to nose the door open and leave a steaming pile of turds in the middle of my bed. That would have earned her a forever shot.

The forever shot is my mom's idea of a good time. She actually taught my little man to say the following to my mother-in-law"

"Grandma Jay says that Bailee and Mags need a forever shot."

My three year old!! Great now I think she is trying to start a war with the in-laws. The problem with that is my folks are in Georgia while the hubby's rents are here in Ohio. Do you KNOW how much trouble this is going to cause me? Mr. ADW's parents barely tolerate me as it is. Once they find out that my mom is scheming to get their dogs put down it will turn into an all out loathing and then I'll have to flip the bitch switch - the fall out may even affect Miss Britt and Avi all the way down in the Floridian Nation.

Oh well. Watcha gonna do? So now I have to devise some witty, humorous back story to make up in the event that Little Man remembers what Grandma Jay taught him to say to his other grandma when she returns at the end of the month..... Any ideas?

21 comments:

metalmom said...

Does it sound like "fever shot" (a pretense at caring?) Any other closely pronounced words?

Or you could laugh it off as "yeah, she said it,after she almost broke her hip tripping over the dog!"

Anyway, that's all I got...good luck!

Dyck!! said...

Are you sure it was the dog who took that dump??

fatwonkkid said...

whiskey!

everybody loves a drunk grandchild!

Mim said...

You could have a picture frame handy with the word "forever" written on it. You know b/c this woman probably doesn't have enough pictures of her beloved animals. :)

Glamourpuss said...

Just explain that a 'forever shot' is Georgia slang for something fluffy and nice...

Puss

Kim Ayres said...

There's no way I could ever cope with looking after someone else's pets. If forced to, I'd take them to the nearest Kennels and pick themup an hour before the owners got back.

Avitable said...

Well, at the very least, they'll board their pets next time.

ADW said...

Metalmom - Thanks

Dyck - Yes because my niece wasn't there. Plus I only taught her how to crap outside of the house.

Fatwonkid - good idea

Mim - I think we have a winner

Puss - Yeah! With all the guns in the family, I am not sure I want to take that chance

Kim - Next time I will

Avi - I only wish they would come back a few weeks early.

Paulette Foley said...

Yeah, forever shot...haven't you read about it in The Enquirer? Makes you and your pets live FOREVER (in hell). smile smile wink wink

BottleBlonde said...

Forever shot. Tell your cunt-in-law that your kid has a speech impediment. What he meant to say was: grandma's hot.

Mister Underhill said...

Forever shots. A lot of people I meet could use those....

Mister Underhill said...

cunt-in-law LOL

ADW said...

Paulette - holy hell - I hope not

BB - how did you know that was what I called her in my head? I may have posted it before, but you can never be too careful about who reads your blogs - found that out the hard way...

Underhill - we should come up with a list of who needs a forever shot.

Dan said...

There is no way that those two visiting spawns of Satan would in anyway be allowed to trot their hairy shit-stained, worm infested nasty asses into my sacred domain.

Goodness God you have a way with words. I'm certain to never look at dogs the same way ever again.

By the way, what you said about your mom at the top was very sweet. Hugs to you for that. And even after I deduct hugs for the descriptive dog comment, you still have hugs left over. Or something.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Oh God, my mil hates me so I have no good advice. One thing that's always in my back pocket is the middle child blink and stare. Someone says something to you, you just turn, blink and stare. It works almost every time. Practice it in the mirror.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Am I the only person that does not know what a "forever shot" is?

ADW said...

Dan - it's always nice to have extra hugs - like extra Karma

Claudia - I know not of this blink and stare. I do know the hiss ans spit of the eldest child. I wonder if that will do.

Cherry - a forever shot puts you to sleep for ever.

The Grunt said...

I'm thinking that there is a rogue raccoon lose in this house. Seriously.

toby said...

Forever shot, as in a shot at living forever! You could say your kid wants the dogs stuffed after they've snuffed it because he loves them so much and wants to keep them as cuddly toys. It's the kind of scary love that'll keep the in-laws away for years.

now I think I need a coffee to help me digest all that I've been exposed to on this page! I was hoping for a nice safe pair of hooters and what did I find... way too much information!!!

ADW said...

Grunt - thanks for the visit - is a rogue raccoon like a dead hamster?

Toby - I try to expose as much of myself as possible. Thanks for the comment.

Kelly said...

LMAO! forever shot?

sorry late on the commenting. Have been blog-backlogged for a while.

People expect me to fucking work sometimes? pfft! Yeah fuckin right!

I am sad... I hear about how Miss Britt is so funny and yada yada yada she is wonderful... and my work has her blog... and only her blog BANNED!!! WTF is up with that?!?!?! I am saddened that I don't know what is happening in Miss Britt's world... even though... I have never been there. :-(