Thursday, August 30, 2007

Still Deflating

I have been quite gassy today. A regular windbag, you could say. Really, it started this morning with multiple trips to the bathroom where my ass exploded in diarrhea-ic glory. My downstairs toilet now sits two inches lower in the floor and there are two flip flop imprints in my brand new Serengeti Green wall. I actually crapped until I felt my ass drawing air from my mouth into my lungs. Needless to say, I worked from home today.

After work, I picked up the spawn and we went to Macy's to check out their shoe sale. Fucking calm down people. There will be NO pictures because the sale sucked and I bought nothing. No you don't need to wash out your eyes, you're reading this correctly, the Queen of Capitalism spent zero dollars on her most recent trip to the shoe department. More interestingly is that while I was at Macy's, I smelled a really bad stench. This one was the smell of a 5-year old cadaver soaking in solution (yeah, I have had that pleasure) mixed with a whiff of skunk juice and just a modicum female dog poot (if you haven't smelled that, it will be in a later post). My eyes started watering and my little boy started gagging. We took off to the other side of the store, but we still couldn't escape the horrid odor. After about five minutes, I realized that the rank prison smell was coming from me. I was hissing. It was like the air was being let out of a balloon, but this time the balloon was my anal sphincter and the air was definitely not breathable. I didn't even know that a live human could make such a smell.

After an extremely uncomfortable dinner, we left and came home. While I was driving, my belly started rumbling again and pretty soon it was bombs away! I farted and farted and farted some more. These were not little ladylike toots either, nosiree. These were full fledged man farts. The kind guys get after a long night of beer and chicken wings followed up by a late night gyro from a street vendor. Pretty soon my seat was shaking from the force of all that flatulence and it felt like some kind of Spanish Inquisition Torture was being wreaked on my poor little digestive system. Thank goodness they were the loud dry kind or yet another pair of panties would have bought the farm.

Even now, while writing this, I am occasionally bombarded by mid to lower level gas cramps that make me bear down. I have already squeezed my chair arms so hard they will need to be recovered. I stomped my feet thinking that... I don't even know WHAT I was thinking since that action in no way helped out. I guess I'll just have to ride it out and pray that it ends before my entire body implodes in on itself.

I need a tummy rub. And a shower. Maybe two showers.

Oh and I apologize for being a bad blog buddy and not reading all your blogs as much as I would like lately. I would say that I need a spanking and I probably do, but after this post I don't think that would come off as sexy as I would have hoped.

28 comments:

George said...

I don't think I have ever read a more creative spin on gas eruptions.

Marvellous

ADW said...

George - thank you kind sir.

metalmom said...

I'm laughing so hard! I'd say I'm currently 'puffling' but Hub's would say 'Go check yourself!'

Glamourpuss said...

Goodness me. I think you need to identify the source of this flatulence and never ingest it again - think of the ozone layer!

Puss

ADW said...

MetalMom - I aim to please

Puss - You are correct and it is now 8:02 AM EST and I am still blowing ass.

Not a Granny said...

I hate those days!

Avitable said...

Very rarely do I laugh while I read, even at funny posts. Well, I'll laugh on the inside. Your first paragraph actually made me guffaw, though.

I hope you feel better soon. As the old adage goes, shit happens.

ADW said...

Not a Granny - me too

Avi - I can't believe I really made you laugh. I feel like I've gotten an award or something.

Miss Britt said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dear God woman, what did you EAT??

Miss Britt said...

BTW, why don't you live in Florida?

I could totally hang with a chic who talks about her shits and farts and stench. And doesn't call it "shits".

Paulette Foley said...

I haven't laughed that hard since the chili judging...you need to take it on the road...you're writing, not farting.

BottleBlonde said...

Well at least we now know the source of Global Warming.

P.S. Sounds like you need an exorcism.

P.P.S. THANK YOU for this post. I busted yet another nut!

Kim Ayres said...

Thank [...insert deity here...] technology hasn't advanced sufficienty for smells to be uploaded to blogs...

Scary Monster said...

Me be used to arriving at yer place and seeing the usual pudenda pink background, but today there be a patina of verdigis upon the page. As me read through yer post, snorting and cackling along the way, the reason fer the discoloration became clear. Me be enjoying the various effluviant post me be reading these days.

BLAST!

Crunchy BC said...

Avoid open flames.

Miss Kitty said...

I laughed until I thought I'D start having the ass-'splody, this was so funny! Of course, my sense of humor is bathroomesque, so it figures.

fatwonkkid said...

so are the uncontrollable gas leaks due to a loose sphincter... if so, maybe you and hubby should stop being so kinky :)

the worst part of holding in a shit is when your ass crack gets all sweaty.

Jenny! said...

What have you been eating? And no amount of gas could make me want to spank you any less!

Open Grove Claudia said...

I love it when you share your life with us. It makes me see so.. uh... close to you and your Serengeti wall paper.

Hope you feel better. Gosh you've been a bit off all week.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Your husband is a saint for living with you and your noxious gasses. Hell, I'm surprised your kid doesn't divorce you, a-la-Corey Feldman.

Kelly said...

LMAO... you filthy dirty girl you.

And that doesn't even sound hot after that post either!

Oh my!!

DangerDoll said...

Man farts! Yeah, when I let one of those go, both my husband and my daughter congratulate me. "You did it, Mom! All right!" High fives all around. Sickness runs rampant here.

And I can't stop laughing at you! I'm just glad your blog isn't scratch & sniff.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You need to get to a Firestone and have them plug up that hole.

Sleepynita said...

Feck-arse that was poetic.

It's Me... Maven said...

If anything, I think the spanking might help "burp" your ass and get out every last bit of gas in there!

-Papa said...

I'm in total shock, and near disbelief. I can't believe you didn't ask someone, anyone, to pull your finger. You're getting old Missy.

ADW said...

Britt - Who knows, a Wildebeest? And I don't know why I don't live in the F-L-A, I used to. Apopka and Kissimmee to be exact.

Paulette - If I take my writing on the road will you be my tour manager? I would need someone to pick all the hot groupies to come on my bus.

BottleBlonde - Be careful with your nuts. WHile they are more sturdy than man balls, we still have to protect our little lovelies.

Kim - that's a great idea. I'll get started on that research top speed.

Scary - thanks. Coming from a monster, I know how much that compliment is worth.

Crunchy - Good idea, I'll do what I can. Thank heavens my stove is electric or my family would never eat.

Miss Kitty - I never doubt that you'll get my humor.

Fatwonkkid - thanks for that advice. I'll tell the hubs that he needs to take it easy with me.

Jenny! - Good to know.

Claudia - I know - right?

Dr. K - thank goodness I was never married to either one of the Coreys. Though I did have a crush on Haim when I was growing up. Meh.

Kelly - Tee hee. Dirrrrrrty!!

DangerDoll - Scratch 'n Sniff would most likely be the end of my blog.

Dyck - I don't use Firestone, since I now (incorrectly) associate them with that Bachelor dork.

Sleepy - I'll have to think up a turd poem.

Maven - ha ha

Papa - Great idea, that's what I'll do next time. I can't even comment on your blog because it's private, but thanks for visiting me over here.

Avitable said...

I should create an award, now that I think of it. The "You made Avitable Laugh" award. It will have a picture of my balls on it.