Still Deflating

I have been quite gassy today. A regular windbag, you could say. Really, it started this morning with multiple trips to the bathroom where my ass exploded in diarrhea-ic glory. My downstairs toilet now sits two inches lower in the floor and there are two flip flop imprints in my brand new Serengeti Green wall. I actually crapped until I felt my ass drawing air from my mouth into my lungs. Needless to say, I worked from home today.

After work, I picked up the spawn and we went to Macy's to check out their shoe sale. Fucking calm down people. There will be NO pictures because the sale sucked and I bought nothing. No you don't need to wash out your eyes, you're reading this correctly, the Queen of Capitalism spent zero dollars on her most recent trip to the shoe department. More interestingly is that while I was at Macy's, I smelled a really bad stench. This one was the smell of a 5-year old cadaver soaking in solution (yeah, I have had that pleasure) mixed with a whiff of skunk juice and just a modicum female dog poot (if you haven't smelled that, it will be in a later post). My eyes started watering and my little boy started gagging. We took off to the other side of the store, but we still couldn't escape the horrid odor. After about five minutes, I realized that the rank prison smell was coming from me. I was hissing. It was like the air was being let out of a balloon, but this time the balloon was my anal sphincter and the air was definitely not breathable. I didn't even know that a live human could make such a smell.

After an extremely uncomfortable dinner, we left and came home. While I was driving, my belly started rumbling again and pretty soon it was bombs away! I farted and farted and farted some more. These were not little ladylike toots either, nosiree. These were full fledged man farts. The kind guys get after a long night of beer and chicken wings followed up by a late night gyro from a street vendor. Pretty soon my seat was shaking from the force of all that flatulence and it felt like some kind of Spanish Inquisition Torture was being wreaked on my poor little digestive system. Thank goodness they were the loud dry kind or yet another pair of panties would have bought the farm.

Even now, while writing this, I am occasionally bombarded by mid to lower level gas cramps that make me bear down. I have already squeezed my chair arms so hard they will need to be recovered. I stomped my feet thinking that... I don't even know WHAT I was thinking since that action in no way helped out. I guess I'll just have to ride it out and pray that it ends before my entire body implodes in on itself.

I need a tummy rub. And a shower. Maybe two showers.

Oh and I apologize for being a bad blog buddy and not reading all your blogs as much as I would like lately. I would say that I need a spanking and I probably do, but after this post I don't think that would come off as sexy as I would have hoped.