Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Halloween in Stepford

I may have previously mentioned that I live in Stepford. I really do. There are so many folks here who are so worried about keeping up with the Joneses or the Reynoldses or any other eses that it sometimes makes me want to weedwack their heads off. But I studiously try to avoid those people in favor of the other folks here who are like me. In fact, in the last two years, we have managed to make some pretty good friends in the area and I enjoy hanging out with them. But the other folks make me shudder. There is just something too creepy about some of these robots. I imagine that behind closed doors, one of them is beating the other while beating off or that they sacrifice chickens to Zoltan, god of the allmighty dollar. I am sure that they are just so different from the kind of person that I am, that I have a hard time understanding them, but to be honest with you, I could care less about that touchy-feely, share myself while understanding others crap.

So really, it all comes down to me again. And my dislike for so many of my species.

Now Halloween is tomorrow and while I am looking forward to the kiddies having fun, what I am not looking forward to is conversing with people I either don't know, don't like or outright loath. Yes you have spawn. Great, so do I. Oh, you don't work? Well I do. What? Why are you sniffing at me? I work. I like my work. Maybe you should try it sometime. Oh? You are too busy running after your kids, making playdates, scrapbooking, creating one-of-a-kind greeting cards that serve no purpose other than to let EVERYONE know how well your children are progressing, cleaning your house all day, running around to KinderGym, blah, blah blah? Do you see my eyes glazing over? Do you see them bleeding? So you see the utter lack of interest on my face? Please take your candy and go far, far away from me before I decide to be obviously nasty and grab you by your hair while kicking your ass down my driveway.

(Please note that I am not judging others who live like this and are cool, just the fucking twats who think that they are better than you because you work outside of the home. Trust me, if I could, I would.)

OK, I am not being fair. There are some cool people out there that I have not yet met. There has to be. With about 800 homes in our development (more like a small town), I am absolutely certain that I will make a new friend tomorrow. In my fantasy, this is how it will happen:

I walk up to a house, spawn in tow for another round of candy grabbing.

Hot chick dressed in a nurse's uniform..

"Hey, you're that famous blogger chick from 1234 Pop My Cherry Lane, aren't you?"

Me: "Uh, yeah, but not so much famous as infamous."

Chick: "Mike and I have two kids exactly your kids' ages and an older one who loves to babysit for free."

Me: "Cool, we should hang out sometime."

Chick: "Sounds like fun, but I have to warn you, my husband loves to pay for everything and won't let you spend a dime. Plus, we really like to drink and we have a vacation home on the beach in Mexico where we like to go for long weekends. Mike's company flies us out on their jet, but you will need a passport."

Me: "I'll think about it and let you know. Maybe we could start with dinner. Oh, I'm ADW by the way."

Chick: "Great name. I'm Calliope."

Chick: Handing me a beer from a cooler on the driveway.."here's our adult 'candy'."

Me: "Thanks, why don't you guys come over for the Buckeye's game this Saturday."

Calliope: "We'd love to, but we have tickets for the game. Hey, you wouldn't want to go with us, we have two extra tickets?"

......Don't you just love a girl whose fantasies involve other girls, drinking and sports?


Amanda said...

mine involve girls and booze, but not sports

marky said...

yer neck o' the woods it's cool...er interesting....i do have a vacation condo in Cabo (cheaper than Hawaii) but I will never own a jet. my carbon footprint ya know!

Kitty said...

my fantasies involve girl, booze and that hot as all get out army dude on my recent post.

holy fuck he is working double time in my fantasies baby!

Mim said...

That's an amazing fantasy. I hope it comes true! And just in case it does, I'm always free wink wink nudge nudge.

metalmom said...

Do you live down the street from me???? If I gotta hear about Fuckspawn's progress in gymboree one more time I will puke on its incubator and damn the consequences!

Jello shots are good adult 'candy'!

Miss Britt said...

You stole my fantasy.

I am suddenly excited about trick or treating tomorrow...

themuttprincess said...

That would rock!

I wish there were younger parents around my neighborhood... The thing is if they are their kids are toddlers or infants... No go in my book. ( I like kids that are older because they can take care of themselves and don't have to be watched constantly)

Anonymous said...

Hell those are the best kinds of fantasies to have! And erm, do you live in my neighborhood cause these people here are crazy as well!

Not a Granny said...

I don't have any spawn living at home. But I do sit in front of the house on Halloween with a cooler of wine, mosquito repellant and beer for Not a Grampy and pass out candy.

That way I don't have to put up with dog barking his fool head off all night.

Stop by, I will give you a glass of wine!

Anonymous said...

hahaha! sounds like it is going to happen any day. good luck with that.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I was right. You ARE a lezbo!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'd love you regardless, ADW.

George said...

1234 Pop My Cherry Lane ... priceless ... I knew a chick once who lived on Cum Swallowing Road

The Chief said...

Of course, I would take the Ohio State tickets and sell them - screw OSU. (Sorry - had to do that). Hey, at least I didn't call them the Ohio State Fuckeyes like I usually do. (Oops - I guess I just did - sorry)

Anyway - wanted to also let you know that I just posted a review of James Patterson's new Alex Cross book called "Double Cross." It comes out on 11/13 but I had an advance copy and read it this past weekend. Check it out! http://chiefrooney.blogspot.com/2007/10/double-cross.html


BottleBlonde said...

That's a pretty tame fantasy, ADW. What happened to the leather chaps and nipple clamps?

Memphis Steve said...

Yes, I do indeed love your fantasies! Now if only I were in one. Damn.