Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Fall, Spring, Summer and Winter... and Kickboxing

Do you all see the title of my post? The four seasons. Something that we here in Cleveland, Ohio do not have. Really.

Where does this post come from? Well when Avi asked me his 5 Questions, one of them happened to be: ......is there anything good about Ohio? As part of my answer, I stated that: "Obviously we are missing 9 months of sunshine, but no place is perfect." Now I would like to be allowed the indulgence of elaboration.

First of all, for those of you who have ever been to Cleveland during the wintertime, I apologize to you right now. For those of you who have not and are planning to one day travel here, or more likely are one day forced into flying here against your will, please aim for June through August. It doesn't usually snow here then.

Point? Ahem? I do have a point to this rambling mess of a post and that point is that here in Cleveland, Ohio, home of the once burning Cuyahoga River, we do not have seasons, per se. What we have are two weather options: freezing your ass off, blowing snow or roasting in the seventh circle of hell, hot as ball sweat outside.

Right now, we are in the midst of a blistering heat wave in October. Only in Cleveland would the baseball season begin with cancellations and moved games due to snowfall, only to turn around during the playoffs and have record temps in October hovering close to ninety. Although, now that we have shut down the Yankees, I feel free to send all of my little Canadian Soldier friends (that's what we call them thar' Midges) a huge shout out for swarming the Bronx Bombers. And I mean BOMBERS!!! Whoo hoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Tribe!

Of course by the end of this week, the temps are supposed to drop back down to "fall weather". And I really do enjoy that crisp smell in the air when it gets down to the fifties. I love to sleep with my windows open and have the blankets pulled up to my chin. However, since fall only lasts for about 3 weeks 'round here, I am sure that the first snowfall is not that far off in the distance. If there is one thing that I DESPISE about living in Northeastern Ohio, it is the snow. One day soon, I will explain to all of you non-Great Lakes residing folk about the wonders of "Lake Effect Snow" and how it can get cold enough to freeze your tatas to the inside of your WonderBras, but as I am typing this, I started feeling a little sick to mah belly just thinking about all of that unending snow, ice and cold, so I will quit before the flashbacks begin.

I know that there was a whole point to this post, something about the seasons, but I can't really remember right now because my entire body is on fire. Why? The kickboxing class I took with a couple of ladies I know. My neighbor (one I like), told me about this new class and how it is close by (my old gym ended up being a 40 minute drive one way and I ain't a Ladies Workout place kind of gal) and reasonably priced. Plus you can pay by the month which is great for me because my attention span and commitment issues have taught me to never sign up for anything long term.

So off my happy ass trots to what amounted to be the most horrific 60 minutes of my life. Satan, and he is the Devil incarnate, had us running and punching and kicking and lifting and doing all kinds of shit that my Captain Morgans swilling, Virginia Slim smoking, carb eating, lazy fat ass would never desire to do in my lifetime. Then he had us do something so heinous that I wouldn't wish it on all of the Stepford Cunts in the whole wide world. I believe that they are called suicide drills. No, that isn't the right name, but I can't remember it now, what with my brains leaking out of my ears and all of the blood gushing out of my nose, but the name fits since I am ready to drive a spork into my jugular. Basically, these fun little exercises are accomplished by laying flat on your stomach, jumping straight up in the air, running to the other side of the room, dropping back down to your belly and doing it all over again. Twenty awful, horrid, painful assholecocksuckingsonofabitching times. By the end of that little treat, I didn't know whether I should pass out or take what little remaining strength I had left and hunt down a gun and shoot the sadistic sumbitch. When we were finally finished, I had a chunk of hair hanging over my eyes, I smelled like the inside of a skunk's asshole and my face was somewhere between the color of a baboon's backside and those fun spots that you see when you close your eyes after staring at the sun for too long.

As I was crawling to the chair where I left my shoes, Master Turdhead comes up to me and asks me how I liked the workout. Somehow, experience I am guessing, he was able to interpret my wheezing as the universal sign to shut the fuck up and back away slowly. BUT!!!!! The class burns about 800 calories. In an hour. So as much as it pains me to say this, I think I am going to start working out. Thirty is staring me straight in the eye and that bitch ain't lookin' too pretty. I need to tone up, slim down and get healthy so I am around for a long, long time to torture everyone around me.

Fuck. Me. I am guessing that I may have a new weekly "thing" to post about though, so that is a bonus. Sorry for the rambling jumble of words which I am certain contains a ton of errors, but my hands aren't working so great after beating up a standing punching bag.

Hugs and Kisses Fuckers.

23 comments:

metalmom said...

Doctor prescribed physical therapy and some weight training for my back. Have I started? NO!! You have written about my fear of aching just wonderfully.
THAT'S IT! I'M NOT GOING!

*til maybe next week!*

Randy of the Redwoods said...

Glad to hear you're working out ADW. Preserve that gorgeousness! It's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning though...I know!
Go Tribe! I loved the Canadian Soldiers. Great timing! Cleveland must be an interesting place. Kinda like where I came from in Illinois.
You are inspiring me to develop a blog. Maybe I can construct something soon. Thanks.

ADW said...

MetalMom - It hurts even worse this morning, but I am going again. Plus you need the PT for you back, so..... Go. And write about it. I promise you, I will be sympathetic.

Randy - I wish you would write a blog (=

Plus I am glad you are rooting for the Tribe.

Mim said...

Seasons don't exist here either. It's sucks. Especially b/c Fall is my favorite season and being in the Appalachian region the trees are super pretty...for a day when it goes from hot hot hot to freezing fucking cold.

fatwonkkid said...

so have you found muscle that you never knew existed?

A couple years ago I started going to my company gym. they had a heavy bag. i would beat on that sucker for half an hour and pretty much collapse when i was done.

so it was really a 2 for the price of 1.
1: i get in shape
2: other developers and testers see what i do to this bag and are now reluctant give me crap during code reviews and log bugs against my code.

Memphis Steve said...

I used to blog about my trips to the gym. Then someone at the gym found it and started spreading all kinds of shit about me 'cause they didn't like it. Then again, I lived in a tiny Redneck town and they have nothing better to do here, except meth, so maybe that's just a redneck thing?

Tug said...

Yuck. The 'e' word. But yay for you! ;-)

Ski season started in CO today - yucka blech damn.

5 of 9er said...

Go Tribe indeed!!!!

Glamourpuss said...

Thanks to global warming, I think the seasons are pretty fucked the world over. We didn't have summer this year, just autumn rain and grey. Sigh.

Puss

Avitable said...

I get all of my exercise from masturbating. Wrangling the mustang, I call it.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for this but I am from Boston Go Sox...We had a great summer. No bugs like the solders here. I was in Elyria, OH this spring then again in the summer. I thought it was quite nice out there.

greg t

Open Grove Claudia said...

Hey, we can work out together. That would be cool....

I will say that you are braver than I... I'm too chicken to take the kickboxing class.

Moi said...

I was born in Cleveland ... but I left soon afterward.

We get 1/2 inch of snow here every 2 years. But we do have 45 mph winds to make it feel like winter is directly up your ass. Thankfully, 43 minutes later, it is 75 degrees outside. Go Texas?

Delightful.

You feel like I feel since I started playing indoor soccer again. Most of the falling down is due to my own gracefulness, but I do get other women jamming their elbows in my back. Woo-hoo!

Randy of the redwoods said...

You're so smart! I wasn't ready for you yet. I have already changed the name and now I have to think of something to say.

Memphis Steve said...

I just read about the school shooting there where you are. Did you go back to school or something? I always felt there was an element of danger about you!

I'm only kidding. Don't hate!

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahah, I loved the post. I even loved the bit about what the weather is like over there in Cleveland, Ohio. I truly did! More snow talk, please :)

Yes, gym classes. I avoid them like the plague for soley the reasons you described. it sounds like torture on a stick and there are other ways to hurt yourself, more gentle ways.

but I bet you are proud of yourself that you did it! good on you for that. 800 cals is awesome, is that like two mars bars or something??

VE said...

I'm hoping to move up to the 7th circle of hell; I can only afford the 5th circle right now...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Whew! I'm tired just from reading that! I think I'll go soak in the hot tub and sip on a Mai Tai.

BottleBlonde said...

I feel yer pain, sister. Wanna know another class you should try at your gym? Spinning. Well, that shouldn't be too hard since it involves sitting on a stationary bike and pedaling, right?

WRONG.

Your vagina will ignite a forest fire as it rubs furiously, back and forth and up and down, against the sadomasochistic torture devices they call 'bicycle seats'.

But don't fret. After a few spinning sessions, your vagina will develop calluses so large that you won't be able to feel a thing (and you'll be doing your share to prevent forest fires).

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Ummm, more kissing blond girl photos please.

Effortlessly Average said...

"Fuck. Me. I am guessing that I may have a new weekly "thing" to post about though, so that is a bonus."

Do you think fucking you would help? Seems to me that might make you even more sore, but hey, at least (hopefully) you wouldn't care after a nice toe curling. Still, should make for some interesting posts, so I'll be sure to keep reading.

Dan O. said...

I don't like winter in NE Ohio either. It means it's time to lug those heavy ass window air conditioners back into storage until winter decides to give up the ghost and disappear for a couple of months again next year.

Been lucky so far, haven't even considered turning the furnace back on yet.

Real glad I don't have to venture into the snow belt anymore. Finally found work on the west side.

You go ahead and kickbox, I'll have another MGD.

Sven said...

As much as it pains me to say this about another Central Division team, congratulations! At least you did it to the Yankees. good luck the rest of the way.