Friday, October 26, 2007

I Can Rock A Pole Like A Cunt Stain

Ha! Let's see how many site searches this title brings me, but I was serious.


My new lady love Shrinking Kitty posted a pic on her blog that conveniently enough my hubby sent me last week. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not:






So, to live up to my husband's expectations of me, I set out to prove him correct in his theory that I am an accomplished pole slider. After my night out with BBS this past Saturday, I phoned home and requested that he have a Captain and Diet Coke waiting upon my arrival. You see, while I had a few beverages that evening, I was driving and didn't want to overindulge and I thought we could have a few drinks together before retiring for the evening. Of course it was close to 2:00 AM when I sauntered into the house, but that is neither here nor there.


Much to my surprise, he did have my drink waiting for me. Through the inner mechanisms of my mind, I decided that just one drink wouldn't do. Oh no! I force fed him a few beers in rapid time - he does not drink that often. Then I proceeded to mix up a few dozen shots for us.


By 3:00 AM we were fairly snookered and I was in the MOOD. You know, that mood. I also decided that it would be a bang up idea to treat him to a little show. He was amenable to my suggestion and even provided himself a chair to sit in and enjoy my gyrations. After fumbling around a bit to find just the right music - Christina Aguilera to be precise - I changed into knee high stiletto boots and gave him a rip roaring good time.


Well.... except for the part where I stomped on his feet. And then when I kicked him in the head trying to shimmy shake around him. And of course I shan't forget about almost breaking his penis. Apparently I feel that I have superhuman strength after my seventeenth shot. Alas, I did not and my poor husband was on the receiving end of the abuse.


Oh and it was Sweetest Day. Another farking Hallmark Holiday that is, I believe, only celebrated in certain areas of the country, including the Midwest. I do not partake in that crap, but I did stop off that evening before going to dinner and pick up a few toys from a sex shop. I gave them to the hubs. There's your Sweetest Day baby!


The next morning, I was perky and joyful. Not so much my drunker half. He had a hangover the size of Duluth and was sporting copious bruises about his midsection. If I were any type of considerate person, I would have provided him with an ice pack for his balls, but instead I laughed.


Oh c'mon, you would have too.


Well, until the kids came in to hop in bed with us and SuperDiva asked why my office chair was in the bedroom. I can't quite remember how I worked around that. But I did also notice that the bag from the store was laying out on the bedroom floor. Oh shite!!!


Me: "Um... hey what's that on the floor?"


Hubs: "I put all that stuff away."


Me: "Great. Good thinking. Pssstttt.... *whispering* How's the cock?"


Hubs: "Shut up. Just shut up."


So here's to all of the ladies who like to have a good time and pass it on!!! Just remember to lift your leg OVER his head. It works better when you do.

23 comments:

Kitty said...

Love your post baby. You are so fabulous I am dizzy. x

Betty Boob Hug said...

oh my god, you are hilarious. what a funny, wonderful post. hope your hubby's willie is now ok :)

Amanda said...

I had never heard of sweetest day until my friend who lives in ohio told me about it yesterday... Maybe its just in ohio?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Somebody posted the video on YouTube. Loved it! I never knew you were so flexible!

marky said...

Did you skull fuck him with your strap on?

Kelly said...

we have that shit holiday here too. Dumbest thing ever...

LOVE the post. poor hubby

Mim said...

HAHAHA. I'm always amused by your honesty. My husband would take pleasure inkilling me if I ever posted something like this. He's still mad I told the blog world that he cops a feel in his sleep.

Avitable said...

Sweetest Day? What the fuck is that?

And what did you buy from the store, hmm?

Franki said...

I too am wondering about this "holiday" and whatever was in that bag.

fatwonkkid said...

i have an inordinate amount of search hits for things related to cunt from India. of some of the search hits are rather kinky.

rough drunken sex...sounds like a plan...except for the broken peepers!

metalmom said...

You made me laugh so loud I woke the kid! Too bad my back is so fucked up-now when I try to do a sexy wiggle it just looks like jello....

*not laughing anymore-sniff*

waflenbak said...

Hilar! I so needed this today. :)
We have Sweetest Day in Chicago. I grew up in Ohio, actually, and totally concur that it is a Midwest thing.

Memphis Steve said...

Oh how I envy your man! Except for the broken cock and bruised balls part. And you laughing at it all. And the kick to the head. But the rest, all of that sexy stuff, he is the luckiest man in the world!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Hurray for you and hubby! Sounds very fun! What toys did you buy?

Tug said...

Better him bruised than you I say...I almost gave myself a concussion & pulled a chandellier out of the ceiling dancing on the bar once. In my apartment. ;-)

themuttprincess said...

Sounds like you had fun, especially since the injuries were on him. Heh.

RWA said...

Poor guy...I can't imagine that there are many men how there who have been physically harmed by a striptease.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wow. Your hubby is a lucky man.

Way to keep things interesting.

The girl of my dreams is going to give me a lap dance to the best Titty Bar song of all time: Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue.

George said...

Anything to keep the romance coming is always sweet

It's Me... Maven said...

Ice down dem balls, you might need them to work some day:)

Great story!

Kim Ayres said...

You know how to make a man sit with his legs crossed in sympathy

Dan O. said...

Just be glad the kids didn't come in during the tortur...um "dance" scene.

BottleBlonde said...

Maiming him shows you love him. At least he didn't fall asleep. My ex fell asleep in the middle of me giving him a lapdance one night. No joke.