Sunday, October 14, 2007

It Figures

You know those days when you are driving down the turnpike and you stop to pay the toll (fucking Ohio does not have EZ Pass) and you realize as you are pulling up to pay the fee, that you have no cash and then you have to dig around to find a bunch of hair and candy covered change to pay the toll?

It Figures!!!

Or how about starting your period on the one day that you switch purses and don't put any tampons in it and then you have to wad up some toilet paper to use as a makeshift pad until you can dig one out of God knows where?

It Fucking figures!!!

And I just love going to Marc's and having an overflowing shopping cart, just to find out that I am out of checks at the one place where they still don't accept credit cards. Argghhhh.

Fuck!!

But even on the very worst day possible, you still have this great new workout class that is kicking your ass and hopefully reshaping it into the powerhouse, man-drool inciting, heart-shaped piece that it once was. Right? Oh yeah, and then you walk in to find that Stepford Cunt is also taking classes there and was only absent the previous week because she had a sprained ankle. Shitpissfuckdamncuntfacedjackassdonkeyfuckerjerkoffbitchtittylickingsonofaskunkcock.

It really fucking figures!!!

Out of all the crap that I am being handed on a daily basis, the one thing that I am excited about is the fact that I am finally taking charge of my body and actually doing something about my shape before the travel, bad eating habits and ensuing weight gain are irreversible. So when I bounce into class on Saturday morning, who should my little eyes spy but SuperMom (one of my friends calls her this and it is nicer than Stepford Cunt, but who cares). I about choked on the bile as it backed up into my throat. Fuck!!! Seriously?? Shit.

Oh well, there is another girl in class who lives down the street from me and she is freaking hilarious, so it almost makes up for the fact that I now have to share space with someone I can barely tolerate from afar.

Seriously??

What the fuck?

36 comments:

Kitty said...

God you are sexy when you say things like Stepford Cunt.

I tingle.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I agree. Your potty mouth makes me feel all squiggly in my secret places.

Mim said...

I feel like the Karma gods might be angry. Let's hope it gets better...but geez all of that sucks, or figures depending on how you want to look at it :)

ADW said...

Kitty - That fact still amazes me.

Fab - Fancy meeting you here (=

Mim - I actually think I have good Karma... mostly. Things aren't that bad, but when they all add up, it's enough to make a bitch scream.

Not a Granny said...

Always stash extra tampons in your car!

fatwonkkid said...

didn't you say it was like a kick boxing type class...it would be ashame since you are an untrained newcomer if you kicked out her ankle and she couldn't go to class for a while....

Effortlessly Average said...

Well, you know what they say:

Sucks to be you.

Slick said...

So uh....does she look good?

ADW said...

Granny - I do now!!!

Fatwonkkid - Evil, I love it.

EA - thanks. No. Really.

Slick - Hey!! Whose side are you on anyway?

heather said...

"Stepford Cunt". I like that. I know a few of those.

ADW said...

Heather - I will have to do a long, very descriptive post about the S.C.

Go Bucks!!!

Michigan Sucks!!

themuttprincess said...

Phew. I am glad I am not the only one that has ran out of tampons and had to do the TP duty. I HATE THAT SHIT!!! It is just wrong.

Avitable said...

You shop at a place that doesn't take credit cards? Good God, woman!

ADW said...

Mutt - I am lad that I am not the only one.

Avi - They have great deals and I shop there a lot, but that is the downfall. But to save well over 50.00 in one trip, I'll write a check.

marky said...

mmm. yes. all those dirty words coming out of that beautiful face makes me fantasize.

Ohio State should be Number ONE in the polls now!

Indians score SEVEN in the 11th to humiliate Boston. Go Tribe!

You're sticking with the workout routine despite the SC. What a beauty you are. And firm too.

i changed my blog again.

i still have a crush on you.

Tug said...

I can't believe there ARE still places that don't take credit cards - but yeah, I see them around here too.

And I go many miles out of my way to avoid tolls...I'm cheap.

Samantha_K said...

I'm a Yankees fan...and I forgive you for cheering on the Indians. However, I am rooting for them against the Red Sox. I figure if they can kill my boys in pinstripes, they deserve to keep on winning.

Feeling you on the purse-changing-tampon-crisis...
and wow...sorry about SC. At least FunnyGirl can make up for it. Hey, maybe you can "accidentally" kick or lunge a little to close to The Hated, and get her out of class for another week.

Miss Britt said...

I do not believe that this class of yours is reshaping anything.

Especially your butt.

Nothing but picture proof will convince me otherwise.

golfwidow said...

"Shitpissfuckdamncuntfacedjackassdonkeyfuckerjerk" has got to be the longest compound cuss I've ever witnessed that hasn't made it onto a Carlin list.

Yet.

zen wizard said...

Could you introduce me to this Stepford Cunt?

I seem to get along really well with women that other women hate.

George said...

I have never had to worry about the tampon thing, condom yes, tampon no.

It's so easy to laugh at you ... errr I mean with you ... when you get into your snarlin', bitchin' cussin' mood

VE said...

What's a toll? I live in Oregon
What's a period? I'm a man
What's a Marc's? I go to Whole foods

The Charming Hedonist said...

Stepford Cunt no less. That just makes me want to kick her in the teeth.

Betty Boob Hug said...

honestly, I have to wonder if the universe is not at play when you keep running into the very person you wish to avoid. It's like we have to learn some little lesson.
I have this problem with my next door neighbour. I don't want to be friends but she is EVERYWHERE I go to. Everywhere I say! Even at a magic show in the city, with a hundred other random people, she came up to me, patted me on the back and said, "I keep finding you wherever I go!"
and I shivered and said, "yeah, funny isn't it."
er....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You women and your fucking tampons. Just stick a piece of duct tape on it and get on with your life.

Marianne said...

Um, it doesn't have anything to do with anything but....

GO TRIBE!!!

It's bottom of the 7th...they are up by two. It's killing me. KILLING ME!!

ADW said...

Marky - I am getting dizzy from all the blog switching.

Tug - the only way to get certain place without doubling the drive time is the Turnpike.

Samantha K - I am working on it.

Miss Britt - you wanna see my ass?

GolfWidow - I am trying to get on that list. What else do I have to do?

Zen Wizard - I'll introduce you... If you really want.

George - ha, thanks.

VE - A tampon is a pooter clogging device. I call it a poon for short. Cuz i goes in there ya know?

Charming Hedonist - I am sooooo glad you are back. I'm pleased that you didn't let those people run you off from blogging.

Betty Boob Hug - Grrrrr... If I see her anywhere else, I am going to evoke my own personal stalking procedure.

Dyck- Oh yeah, that would feel good. I hope your pipes get clogged for a week for that little comment.

Marianne - I had to get away for a minute or two. Fuck.

MARFSBABY said...

Oh my god girl, that was the best string cuss ever! Phew... I think I need a cigarette.

marky said...

OSU is #1, the Tribe is almost #1, I tell you you're beautiful and I'm smitten and your only comment is that you're dizzy! Either you're bleeding or I have made you faint.

metalmom said...

Partner up with the bitch and 'take her out!'

Hmm....is that a newly defined muscle you have there? LOL

Kim Ayres said...

You should be writing for Blunt Cogs - you're a natural. Send me scripts.

DangerDoll said...

I'm stealing "Stepford Cunt". We have a few on our block. I might form a club, invite them to join, and then leave. I like having all my Cunts in one place.

Hilly said...

Wow, I am glad you found me...cause yanno, "fuck" is one of my favorite words!!!!

BottleBlonde said...

I bet your hubby loves your dirty talk in bed. You belong in movies, girl. Porn movies ... but movies nonetheless.

Miss Kitty said...

Happens to me every time, ADW.

Open Grove Claudia said...

You know Mercury is in Retrograde, right? I have the worst time during this time of year + merc in retrograde. Grit your teeth. It will be over soon! ;)