Monday, October 22, 2007

I Feel Better About Myself When:

I Feel Better About Myself When:

  • I go to WalMart. Trust me, unless your family tree has no branches, it will make you feel better too.
  • I shop. Shoes, clothes or accessories. It doesn't make a difference. It just makes me feel good and retail therapy is cheaper than sitting on the leather couch.

  • I spend more than 10 minutes at the MAC counter. This means that I am getting my make-up done and I love it.

  • I see ManHo Cho. Invariably, we will gossip and natter about all of the shit we hate and make fun of celebretards.

  • A woman complements me. It means way more than when men do it and I get all glowy for a while.

  • I use my rapier wit and sharp tongue to take someone down a few notches. Seriously, why are you such an asshole? Is there an appointment committee and if so where do I send my resume because I guarantee that I am better at it than you are.

  • Someone tries to hire me away from my current position. I'm not going anywhere, but it is nice to be desired by other companies.

  • I sell shit. That = $$$.

  • My clothes fit. That's one of the reasons that I am working out now... not to lose weight, but to slim down and tone up.

Things I shouldn't feel good about, but I do anyway:


  • Using my boobies, booty or any other feminine wiles to get my way with men. It is trite and the feminists are going to get all militant on my ass, but men are simple and if they want to give me shit, who am I to stop them?

  • Kicking ass at Trivial Pursuit. There are very few people who will play this with me and one of my friends even accused me of pre-reading the questions. Aren't there like 2.6 million different questions in those boxes? I know I don't have a life, but I am not that bad.

  • Seeing people that I went to high school with and making damn sure that they know how well I turned out. I went from nerd to "look at me now" and while you were busy teasing me unmercifully, I made sure that I studied hard and made something out of my life. Now here I am and there you are and, well, honey I'm sure you did the best you could...

  • When certain people in a certain someone's family who don't particularly care for me, fall flat on their faces - AGAIN!!! You treat me like something you scrape off of your shoes, but we all know who the fuckups really are. I would love it even more if you didn't have kids who depended on you, but YOU are the ones fucking them up, not me.

  • I see other people trip up a flight of stairs. That shit is always gonna make me cackle. It's just funny. 'Speciall since I do it too.

I don't have "it" today. You know that mojo that makes everything that comes out of my mouth sound funny..... What I do have is a fun little eye problem and I am now on steroids. My right eye will soon be able to lift a car off of the ground.

Peace Out Fuckers!!

BONUS PIC:

WENT OUT FOR BBS' BIRTHDAY...

MY NEXT POST WILL BE ALL ABOUT IT

HERE'S A TEASER

P.S. I LOOKED EVEN MORE LIKE AN ASSOLE IN THE OTHER PICS..

27 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I feel better about my self when a chick takes steroids for her eyes.

Amanda said...

There's nothing wrong with using your boobs to get what you want. I do it all the time. That's why God gave them to us, to be used against people

heather said...

It always gives me a warm fuzzy feeling when I run in to someone from high school and they've gained 30+ pounds and look like hell. Ha. Laugh at me now, fuckers.

fatwonkkid said...

i tell my wife all the time to use her lady friends to get free stuff. you should feel good about it. you get free stuff (Free.99 is the best price to pay!) and you make some guy feel happy for a couple minutes....win/win!

a before and after (HS/now) pic would be amusing.

I do crack up when I hear interviews about hollywood or model types that say they were all nerdy and ugly in HS. Many of those stories I don't believe because they are probably doing it for a stupid story.

Miriam said...

I challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit...any edition. :)

Jay said...

I've tried using my boobs to get what I want, but it didn't work. Maybe I need to practice more.

Also, I will play trivial pursuit with you. I love that game. And, just to intimidate you a little, I watch Jeopardy every. single. day. ;-)


/came over here from Bottleblonde cause she told me to. Well, not *ME*, but everybody who reads her blog. Well, you know what I mean.

Avitable said...

I will kick your fucking ass in Trivial Pursuit. It is ON.

ADW said...

Dyck - heh heh heh. I am really taking them to grow a dick that I can bitch slap you with.

Amanda - I am glad someone else agrees with me.

Heather - I am right there with you.

Fatty - I'll see what I can dig up. A Jr High pic would be even better.

Miriam and Avi - I accept your challenges and revel in your sweet defeat.

Jay - I love Jeopardy. Being the huge geek that I am, but I was a bit intimidated after that dude won for like 872 days in a row. There is just no competing with that.

Miss Britt said...

I agree - in-law's suck. And it is therefore completely acceptable to cheer for their destruction and humliiation. :D

Tug said...

I want to see videos of your eye picking up a car... ;-)

Poppy Cede said...

Seriously. That pic is badass, can't wait for the full post.

metalmom said...

There has to be a way to challenge each other to Trivial Pursuit! No one will play me:(

Will the steroids affect the ability to give the 'crazy eye?'

Effortlessly Average said...

You just feel free to use your boobs -and please, any other part too- to get whatever you want out of me. It's a terrible price for me to pay, but I'm up to the sacrifice.

And clearly you don't spend enough when you shop because I could take many trips to the couch with what I end up spending when I go shopping. For the right set of boobs I'd do the same for her.

Open Grove Claudia said...

You're on steroids and you're working out?? You'll get huge! You might even grow to half my size! ;)

I still hate everyone from my high school. I haven't been back, although my best friend went and said they are all the same.

So I hate everyone except my best friend... That's statement is probably just true in general. ;)

Mr. Fabulous said...

I totally could take you at Trivial Pursuit...

George said...

When I play Trivial Pursuit I get accused of memorizing the answers ... as if ... looks like you have a few challengers ADW

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What wonderful qualities you have, ADW.

I always lose a little hope for mankind when I go to WalMart. But I feel much better about capitalism, too.

What do you do for work?

VE said...

God, trivial pursuit. My dad is one of those freaks too! He'll sit there and hem and haw non-chalantly and say "Oh...I don't know...is it ________?" and he's always fucking right. Your type will end up in hell playing for eternity with categories like Famous Chess Openings and Botanical plants found in Costa Rica. muh ha ha ha

marky said...

More pics please. Your face is DARLING but i do want to see some body shots too, especially from behind =) so we have before and aft workout pics. that's all.

BottleBlonde said...

I don't play Trivial Pursuit, but like you and Jay, I'm a fan of Jeopardy. Notice I didn't say I was any good at playing it - just that I am a fan. Alex Trebek makes my nipples hard!

I got nothin' today. All my brain cells are temporarily residing in my bra.

Glamourpuss said...

God gave us breasts specifically to manipulate men. To not do so is therefore sacrilege.

Puss

Kim Ayres said...

My boobs don't seem to get me anywhere. Fortunately my wife loves me anyway.

5 of 9er said...

There are days I wish I had boobs so I could make people do things for me.

Slick said...

Oh please...like a girl could ever beat me at Trivial Pursuit ;)

Can't wait to see the follow up post!

The Chief said...

You know, I think I still like this site even though I must tread carefully so as not to offend...

Being "The Chief" - ADW is sure to relate that she may not like me or - more specifically - my team. While reading through a few of your older posts I started to learn about you living in Cleveland (I know Mentor, Painesville, Shaker Heights, Parma et al very well and still have friends there) - I lived in Youngstown for many years - also the fact that you seem to be an Ohio State fan. I am a die-hard Pittsburgh Pirates and Steelers fan and love Penn State and HATE OSU. We will have lots to talk about this weekend as OSU takes on PSU!!! (OSU will win easily, though).

BTW, I have two degrees from Youngstown State and often spoke with Jim Tressel - totally nice guy and always accessible in his office at Stambaugh Stadium. I just wish he coached another team so I don't have to root against him all the time anymore!

Memphis Steve said...

You both are gonna be in Playboy someday.

Allison M. said...

I feel when I get free prizes in the mail. Not to mention I entered the Allure giveaway every single day for a mont, but still, I got a whole set of Clinique's new skin regimen. Not bad.