Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Queen of Procrastination and Other Bad Traits

Oooohhh, oooohhh did I get my arse handed to me yesterday. By my boss. Over something kind of trivial. I guess the honeymoon is over.

As you may note by my blog post title, I procrastinate a bit. It is a huuuugeeee issue with me. If I was in school, I would wait until the last damn minute to write the paper, study for the test create that presentation, et cetera ad nauseum. Now, I put off tasks that I find bothersome and it sometimes gets me into trouble. There is no valid reason for me to prolong the work, other than my intense hatred for any type of administrative task and the end result will be me getting reamed without lube, but I do it anyway. And here I thought that the only difference between us and the rest of the animals was our opposable thumbs and reasoning skills. I guess that puts me squarely in the red-ass baboon category.

So I thought I would make up a list of some of the BAD habits, personality traits and so on that I have and here goes:

  • I am opposed to cleaning. Not cleanliness, but the act and process that gets you there. I will let dishes rack up in the sink and I do not vacuum. I fucking hate to do laundry and I would rather tweeze all of my crotch hairs one by one than mow my actual lawn. The end result is a messy house that I spend days cleaning when I could save myself the time and energy by just sucking it up and creating a list of chores that need to be completed every day. I think that being used as a virtual slave from the ages of 8 to 17 may have something to do with my fear of housework, but I am an adult damn it and I shouldn't let this shit pile up on me. My mom keeps telling me to have a maid come in once a week, but they only do the surface shit and to be honest, I don't really trust strangers in my home. What I really need is some website, maybe 3worldlabor.com, where I can buy someone to clean my house. I would be really nice to them though. Probably.

  • Because I drive so much for work, I practically live in my vehicle. That being said, the previous bullet point comes into effect. My car is normally a hog pen full of fast food bags, diet cokes, shoes, clothes, bottles of booze and a various assortment of drugs and paraphernalia. I shovel it out every few months with a renewed declaration that "this time I am keeping this bitch clean." I don't make it a week.

  • I am mean.

  • I swear. A lot. It especially sucks when a cunt or fucker or hellspawn whorebag crotchjokey spills out in places of worship. I have tried to curb my swearing, but the closest I get is trying to keep it at "prison yard" level. My parents get a little disturbed by this.

  • I speak my mind when someone asks me to. Now you might not think that this is a bad thing, but I am usually pretty good about keeping my opinions under wraps. Until someone either a. asks me for it, b. starts whining about their life or c. I drink more than a few. Then I will verbally lash you up one side and down the other. Except on the subjects of politics and religion. I find those two things loathsome to discuss and a buzzkill.

  • I fart. In bed. With my husband. Sometimes, I even Dutch Oven him. It's gross and blah blah blah and my girlfriends think I am crazy. I don't give a fuck. Why let the ass gas back up?

  • I yell.

  • I smoke and drink. The smoking is horrible. Trust me guys. I know.

  • I can be self-destructive at times.

  • If you piss me off, I will come at you with the wrath of a wounded lioness.

  • I have physically attacked two people in the last 8 years. They were both men. I'd do it again too.

  • I am not the most compassionate person in the world and I tend to be a bit self-centered.

  • I am loud. Really, really loud.

  • I tend to say the wrong things at the worst possible time. Like I am stuck with the social skills of a five year old kid.

  • I don't really like the human race as a whole and I downright despise a good portion of people. I hate people who never take responsibility for their mistakes, but constantly take credit for the work of others. I also can't stand when people play the race, sex, religion or any other kind of card out there. Fuck off. If I made it out of the ghetto campground that was my childhood, you can too. Everyone is fucked up in one way or another. Yeah, I'm talking to you Kanye West, you hypocrite douchnozzle.

  • I crack my knuckles. Of course, by now most of you probably think that they drag the ground anyway.

OK there are a ton more bad things that I could list, but I'll save those for another time.

Peace out bitches!


Mim said...

Out of your list, we're alike about 3/4 of the time. We all know I have no creativity when it comes to swearing so you've got me beat there.

I was used as a cleaning slave for my entire life and now that I'm married I've become a cooking slave too. I love my husband, I do. But when he doesn't lift a finger to help me b/c he's "too tired" from work, I want to stick a red hot poker in his eye (and not the ocular one, if you catch my drift) Whilst jabbing him with said object I want to scream "You got to sleep until noon, went to work at a video game store where you played video games all day. I woke up at 6am drove an hour to work, worked 8 hours, drove an hour home, cleaned our house, took care of our animals. and cooked you dinner. YOU'RE TOO TIRED? I don't want to fucking hear it!"

But I don't. Because I'm a pussy.

Mim said...

And also, b/c I don't own a red hot poker :)

Tug said...

I think we could be very good friends...heh.

Amanda said...

I've never wanted to physically injure someone as much as I want to hurt Kanye West. Maybe if your music didn't suck, you'd win an award.

Grumpy said...

I love it.

Are you my sister??


metalmom said...

Wow! Who knew it wasn't only me? (And not just at that time of the month!)

Need bandaids for those knuckles? I'll share mine!I'll send you some....one of these days.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chicks are not supposed to fart. They're just not, so cut that shit out.

I think I could take you in a fight. I'd just grab you by the hair and swing you around a few times, then knock you upside the head with some dirty dishes.

Samantha_K said...

I could have written half that list...Aren't we just perfect members of the Sweethearts club?

Open Grove Claudia said...

Yep, twins separated at birth.... ;)

Randy of the Redwoods said...

I am rethinking having an affair with you. You never agreed to it anyway. You're SO CUTE! Maybe we could just be penpals or something. We can still hate Michigan together.

Anonymous said...

You've known it all along but let's just make it official: You're my girl crush. If you lived closer, I'd love up on you until you got whisker burn or called the cops. It would be beautifully twisted. I'd become bulimic so we could share clothes.

I don't smoke (cough*cigarettes*cough) and I don't crack my knuckles, but the rest we're 100%.

"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people." -Bryant Gumbel

Not a Granny said...

Yes, we must be related, especially the cleaning slave part..(we had to vaccuum and dust every day after schoolbefore mom and dad got home from work, even though NO ONE was coming over.

But, I do hire out my cleaning, if they break/steal anything, I will hunt them down like the dogs they are and hurt them!

Miss Britt said...

OMG we are like TWINZIES!

Except, I do not crack my knuckles.

Or hate people.

Or let dishes pile up.

But I do, totally, fart in bed.

Effortlessly Average said...

Hmmm... I'm guessing you're a Republican, right?

Oh, and douchnozzle? omg that cracked me up.

Avitable said...

But do you fart at work and stink out your boss? Because Britt totally does that all the time.

These don't seem like bad traits to me. They seem like traits I'd like in a delicate flower such as yourself.

abstractjenn said...

Wow - and I thought it was only me. I have to say my language has gotten more colorful since reading your blog - my parents thank you for that (so does my boss). I think people mostly suck and I"m in HR.

Kitty said...

Don't fucking smoke! It'll make you look old and fucked up while you die of cancer woman!!!

Stop it. It is not hot baby.

Memphis Steve said...

You sound like my dream woman. Let's get married. Oh wait, we both already are. Well, let's have a lusty affair of some sort then.

Randy of the Redwoods said...

Forget Memphis Steve. Ignore his comment. I want back in. An affair would be great. Let's have one. Just some things first.... no farting, no Dutch Ovens, no smoking, first and foremost because I REALLY HATE bad smells. I'm sensitive that way. Also, no yelling at me. If I happen to accidentally piss you off for some reason, please don't get angry and vengeful with me. This would ruin the affair and it must be a SECRET affair. NO TELLING! If I think of some other things I will get back to you.

ADW said...

All - I am glad to read that there are others out there like me.

Boys - Quit fighting over me. No. Really. Quit it.

(secretly amused and a little excited)

Randy - do you have a blog???? I don't get a link from your sign in so....

Randy of the Redwoods said...

i don't have a blog yet because i don't like all that typing... but yours is the best doll. Don't worry, I'm not someone you know. I'm a Northern California guy, transplanted from another great Midwestern Big Ten school (that's why I hate Michigan too). Damn, that's narrowing it down. People are gonna guess my secret identity. P.S. Memphis Steve is not your type hun. Look at him on that stool.

VE said...

Ha! VE has your solutions:
- Cleaning. Live in the street with no possessions. There’s less to clean that way
- Clean Car – Ride a bike instead; it’s hard to clutter it up
- Mean – Just do it with a smile; nobody will know
- Swearing – Convert each swear word to a number and just swear in those; people will think you have the winning lotto ticket when in fact you’re calling them a dickless ass fuck
- Speaking your mind – Kill all your brain cells partying; they’ll be nothing left to speak
- Bed farting – See number one (live in the street)
- Yelling – Make that street a lonesome highway
- Smoke and Drink – Smoke Salmon on the Barbie; drink water until you feel waterlogged; it’ll keep you from drinking anything else
- Self destruction – wear a straight jacket
- Piss off revenge – Make that street on a deserted island
- Attacking men – The deserted island and straight jacket should cover this
- Compassion – Resolved with the brain cell depletion
- Loud – Back to that lonesome highway
- Say wrong things – Remove voice box
- Hate Human Race – Join the monkeys on the island
- Crack Knuckles – Crack away; there’s nobody around!

Glamourpuss said...

Personally, I'd consider the swearing a good thing.

Procrastination is always about something else. I put stuff off because I'm scared to fail/fuck it up. When I realised that, it became easier to deal with. But I'm still horribly bad at it. Sympathies.


BottleBlonde said...

You're every guy's dream. They love petite women who have the sensibilities of a man.

I'm somewhat similar (without the 'petiteness').

honkeie2 said...

Wow we could totally be friends, totally!
I am in skool and work, and I am one of the worst procrastinators of all time. I know if I do a little each day I would not have this huge pile of fuck all to do in one day. I have a months worth of daily reporst I have to do and I know if I did them once a week it would not have gotten to this level. But oh well, tough titty!
But I keep my car clean (most of the time) and I dont smoke (did and still miss it) but besides that.....want to go to Hooters for wings and beer?

Mr. Fabulous said...

You know what's weird? I was JUST thinkning about tweezing all your crotch hairs...

Memphis Steve said...

What's with the no Dutch ovens? Hey woman, you can fart all you want to. Listen, I'm a world class farter and I can teach you to be one, too. Plus, I have no sense of smell. Woman, you run off with me and you don't even have to take a bath. So farting, hey, that's NO PROBLEM. Be my woman! I want you now!

Memphis Steve said...

Blondie, tell her how hot I am! Tell her what a stud I am! Am I not the only man on this blog that you have granted permission to bury his face between your breasts? This non-blogger dude shouldn't even be in the running. I have 4 years worth of blogging to show what a fabulous man I am, plus many hot women who will testify on my behalf.

Oh, also, I sent you an add request on MySpace. I am never there, but if you email me I will talk to you for years, back and forth, 'cause that's just how I roll. I've had an ongoing conversation with the also nude Melissa Harrington for 2 years now. In fact, there's ANOTHER female reference for me to you.

I am the man for you! There can be only one (secret boyfriend), and he is me!

Grundir the Implacable said...

Are you interested in becoming the consort of one of the living dead?

Randy of the Redwoods said...

You see, ADW, Memphis Steve simply has too many bitches...I want you and only you.

heather said...

I think I love you a little more now.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, ADW...the dudes are all but humping your bloggy leg! Are you in heat or something?

Paulette Foley said...

No wonder I like reading your blog! I too, HATE house work! I too, let it stack. My bedroom is in the basement and looks like half a pine tree is imbedded into my dark green carpet. How hard can it be to actually turn on the vacuum? My car...well, I just tell everyone I like it messy, that way no one wants to steal it.

Can't say that I'm good at swearing. I work in a Christian school...tends to make you watch your mouth...however, when I do let one slip at home, it sends shock waves through my son and he takes me a little more seriously.

George said...

The tweezer plucking is OK, the language is fine, the dusting/vacuuming and dishes are fine ... really. Almost everything about you is either cool or funny or both .. except the smoking. As a militant non-smoker I have never even dated a smoker ... why would I want to slide my tongue into an ashtray overflowing with ash and butts.

Otherwise you're too damn perfect